AF: What A B**CH!!!!!!!

So AF showed this evening in full-force, cramps like a b***h. Why is it that after having hope and losing it, you have to endure a week long of cramps and bleeding, just to remind you yet again that you aren't PG? It's something I'll never understand. But yet I keep coming back for more. I'm at my angry stage again right now. I haven't cried this time, which is a first, normally I'm in tears for two days straight when AF shows, but this time I'm not going to let her make me sad, instead I'm getting angry and even. I'm taking all my anger to the gym. I tried it tonight and I feel a little better, but the pit in my stomach is still there. Since I don't have proof that I did actually O on my own last month without Clomid, I'm going to OPK this next cycle, I'd like to have piece of mind, and at least know if I am or not. Then if I'm not, I'll know that my chance that cycle is 0%. That way I'll be prepared for AF, when she does come, and not have to go thru all the emotions of hoping and wishing for a BFP, when there's absolutely no chance in hell of seeing one. I'm going to a chocolate fondue night on Tuesday, which I'm looking forward to. I'm craving it right now of course, so I'm going to indulge, don't really care at this point if it ruins my diet. I'll be going to the gym the other days this week to make up for it. Thursday is our 4th anniversary, but we aren't doing anything special, maybe out to eat, but that's it. We are saving our money for our trip to Tampa. I can't wait to get out of town and just forget about TTC for a few days. I'm going to drink as much as I want, eat what I want, and ride as many roller coasters as I can at Busch Gardens when we go. AF can suck it!!

Waiting Game #26

So I'm in the waiting game for this cycle, the end of my first week of the dreaded 2ww. I've decided I'll POAS next Tuesday if AF hasn't arrived by then. It would be CD35, and 14DPO, so I figure that's ample time to get a BFP. My cycles have been all screwed up, so I have no idea when AF will finally arrive. I have been really tired in the past few days, but it could be from the gym, work, or many other things. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hoping for a BFP, but I'm not building my hopes up. It's too hard to do that lately. And then again, since I didn't OPK this cycle, I can be sure that I did O. I'm just going off of the pains I felt previously when I did O. That's what happened this month, but on CD21. When I O'd with Clomid it was CD18. These seem so far into the cycle. I've never gotten a straight answer about why I O so late, when I actually do O, which has been a rare occurrence.

On a happier note, I'm going on vacation to celebrate our anniversary after the 4th. 3 days and 2 nights in Tampa. I can't wait. So even if AF does arrive, I have something else to look forward to and get my mind off another BFN (if it happens).

New Mattress, Old Iron Four Post Frame, Maybe Baby?

I'm actually excited about something, which has rarely happened in the past two years. We got a new mattress set yesterday and with much effort were able to put our iron four post bed frame into our bedroom. We've had this frame since we got married, but the past two houses we lived in didn't have high enough ceilings. It's been sitting in our garage since we moved into this house two years ago. We didn't think we could manage getting it in our bedroom, but I figured out a way to do it without poking a hole in the ceiling. It's a beautiful frame and has a heart shaped into the iron at the headboard. I'm hoping that bringing this frame back into our bedroom and getting a new mattress set will be all that we need to get PG. Here's hoping it will make all the difference.

Sweet!

So thanks to Katie, I have my first award. It means alot to me. I know I'm supposed to pick 7 blogs to give the award to as well, but I only follow 4 others and they have already been awarded it. But, I'm going to give them props again anyways.

Here are the blogs I would like to award again for their honest and heartfelt posts. They are my IF sisters and I'm so happy to have them in my life:

1. Once Upon A Time
2. It's Only Life
3. Our Journey
4. All Things Griffin

I should be following more blogs, huh? I'll work on that.

Ten Honest Things About Me:
1. I knew the minute I met Rob that I was going to marry him. My mom and friends thought I was nuts, but whose laughing now. 8 years together, 4 years married on July 2. Love ya baby!

2. I'm an only child and hated it growing up. My parents are extremely overprotective, and basically smothered me as a child. If there is such a thing as loving someone too much, my parents certainly do.

3. I love doing dissections, I know kinda gross, but looking at anatomy up close and personal really is amazing.

4. Secretly I wish I could have multiples, just so that I could have all my children at once and not have to go thru the torture of IF again.

5. After knowing Rob only two weeks, we ended up getting a hotel room together. Something I certainly don't regret!

6. If I could walk around with just one of Rob's T-shirts and my underwear on everyday, I would be really happy.

7. I have a horrible sweet tooth. Chocolate is my kryptonite.

8. I took a Meats (Slaughtering) class at Clemson. It was the worst thing I think I've ever seen. I didn't eat meat for an entire year afterwards and I still don't enjoy red meat.

9. I have horrible stage fright. I even passed out once before giving a speech.

10. I've lied several times to my prof about being sick, when I needed a day to get over another BFN.

This Sucks!

So here I was thinking I was being so proactive, BDing whenever, wherever, like my counselor suggested. But stupid, naive me, didn't think about the consequences. So now, after my week of fun, I have a UTI and possible kidney infection. That's just great. So Rob gets to have all the fun without the consequences and I'm stuck with pain when I pee. How is that fair? Well, now I know, and it won't happen again. Well, it will happen again, but I refuse to get another UTI because of it. :-)

At least one good thing happened during the week. I'm pretty sure I O'd without the use of Clomid. If felt exactly like it did when I O'd the three times previously, and it was only on my right side. Horrible cramping, doubled over, and then it was gone in a few hours. But, why am I second guessing that it really happened? I guess because I've felt like nothing went the way it was supposed to and I can't just go with the flow. So I'm going to think illogically, that it did happen and we BDed exactly when we needed to and that this UTI won't have an affect on the outcome. Now just to remind myself to keep thinking this.....

A New Week

So I got up early this morning and went with Rob to the gym for the first time. I did cardio for 30min and weight training for another 30min. I was late getting into work, but I didn't really care. I felt great and I felt like I was being proactive. We've got a schedule for the gym set. On the days when Rob goes in late to work, we'll go in the mornings, and when he goes in early, we'll go in at night. My goal is to go at least 5 times a week. I know I will be sore in a day or two, but it's a good sore, a sore I'm working towards. It's a sore that isn't my heart, which it has usually been. I think it will get my mind off things for a little while. I got alot of work done today, so all in all it was very productive.

I went to church yesterday for the first time since we went for Easter. I saw my old sunday school teacher, she's in her late 30's with three kids, but she acts like she's 25. Another friend from class, also came up to see me. For some reason, when she asked how I was doing, I just started crying. I hate crying in public, I feel so vulnerable and out in the open. So they took me and Rob into another empty room, and we just talked. I told them everything that had happened since we last saw them and about all the feelings I'd been having lately. It was really cathartic and exactly what I needed. God brought them together at that exact moment and on that exact day to help me. Even the sermon spoke to me, it was about not having joy in your life. I haven't felt joyful in a very long time. They made a suggestion, that I'm not sure I'll go thru with, but it's a thought. They told me I should start slowly getting baby things, just little by little and get our spare room ready. I just don't know if I could do that, I mean I have no idea when and if I'll have a baby. It could be years. I just don't know if I could have a nursery and no baby to put in it. And then if I got done with school and we moved and still didn't have a baby, what then? I know, I know, not thinking very positive, but it's a habit that's hard to break. So I'm going to think on it for a while.

Feeling Like I'm Starting Over

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm completely starting over TTC. It's been 2 years and 1 month and other than finding out I don't ovulate and I'm hypothyroid, it still doesn't feel like I've made that much progress. I know I'm giving my body a rest and changing meds and my diet is a huge step, but in the end how many more months (or years) after I get things regulated will it take me to get PG? I have no idea, but it seems so far away. I try not to think about it, but I can't help it. TTC has been my life for 2 years and 1 month and trying to forget isn't easy. I know I should be thankful that my new doc in SC thinks I could get PG on my own without fertility meds and IUI/IVF, but wouldn't my chances of conceiving now be greater if I did go thru with IUI or IVF? The cost is certainly still an issue, our insurance would cover nothing IF related. So realistically IUI or IVF isn't an option for us, but I can't help but wonder if we kept going with the fertility meds and further testing, would I get PG sooner? It's alot of what-ifs and I need to stop playing this game.

I'm trying to think illogically to help myself get thru this, so I'm going to act like I am ovulating around a certain time (CD18 was when I did on Clomid), BD for a week straight around that "time" and who knows maybe my body will surprise me and actually act normal. The chance is pretty small until I change my thyroid meds. I understand, if I don't ovulate, that's a 0% chance of getting PG. But I've gotta keep the faith that things will go the way I want them to, b/c 0% is just too hard to swallow.

I have a follow-up appt with the doc in SC for July 15. Hopefully I'll get some answers and maybe he can put things into perspective. I was supposed to give him 100 days to get myself regulated, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm on Day 24. In the end, I have to, I don't have any other choice right now. I just want so badly to be able to get PG in 09. I don't care when, just before the end of the year.

Thinking Illogically

So after my latest counselor appt, I have determined that I am thinking too logically about everything. I analyze everything I do and everything that happens around me. I look at facts and mull over things until I've solved them. Instead of thinking logically about the girl who recently got PG from her BF, I have to think illogically about the situation. Logically Melissa thinks, "Why her, she doesn't deserve it?" Illogically Melissa thinks, "Well if she got PG in my house, then I certainly can." Logically Melissa thinks, "I'm supposed to BD at this particular time in order to get PG." Illogically Melissa thinks, "Whohoo no more condoms, let's have some fun. We can BD whenever, wherever." Starting to see the pattern?

I can't think logically about this whole TTC journey. Because logic just doesn't fly anymore. If I keep this up, I really will never become PG, just because of all the stress it's causing me. I have to get rid of the stress and just maybe things will fall into place. It makes alot of sense now. I have to make a change physically and mentally.

I've changed endocrinologists and I've started a new diet. I'm going to try and get in the best shape I've ever been in and just maybe once I hit my goal, I'll maybe become PG and gain all that weight that I've lost back. I can get excited about that, honestly. Now that I'm seeing a counselor, I can see why I'm so stressed. There's been alot that's happened recently and in my past. I have to deal with that stuff before I can move on. I know it's going to take some time and I am so inpatient, but I'm doing everything I can to try and get to where I need to be. I just have to have faith that my new doctor and my counselor can help me.

I think they can.

Trying to Make Sense Of It All

So why is it that an 18 yr old girl with no ambition, a high school education, a loser BF, get PG so easily? Is it because she didn't have a care in the world, wasn't even trying? Was it b/c she was trying to trap the guy into staying with her? Why?

And why, above all, did she probably get PG while living in my house? Is this some cruel joke? It was supposed to be me. It was supposed to be me and Rob, conceiving our child in our own home. Not some girl, who can't hold a job, and has no intention of trying to better herself.

I don't understand why things like this happen. What am I supposed to learn or gain from this experience? Is it to finally push me to the point where I have to deal with all the anger bottled up inside of me because of this whole situation? Maybe. I just don't know yet, I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.

Latest Counselor Appt

So I went to my counselor again this morning. I guess I'm not used to the whole say what you're thinking thing. I'm a listener, I don't like to talk all that much, unless someone directly asks me a question or I really have something to say. There were moments of just silence, which was quite uncomfortable. She finally started asking me some questions, so I started talking again, but I don't know, it wasn't quite what I was expecting. She still thinks that I have anaclitic depression, basically b/c I was in daycare from the time I was a baby. Because of my genetics I'm extremely susceptible to depression (I already knew this b/c my parents and both sets of grandparents had it), but that the "seperation" from my parents at such a young age, caused my depression to occur really early in life, and basically will be life-long. Well that's just great, exactly what I needed to hear, depression for life, whohoo. As if I don't already have life-long health problems. I have another appt set up for next Wed, so we'll see how it goes.

A Slap From God

So I was up tossing and turning last night, crying off and on. I just got done watching Maneater with Sarah Chalke, who I think is freakin' hilarious, I love her on Scrubs. But of course, every IFers dream is to watch a movie in which, guess what the lead discovers she's PG. It was still a funny movie, so I got over it, but of course they had to have the delivery scene towards the end. There I am sobbing in front on the tv, feeling sorry for myself as usual. Luckily I was laughing in between crying, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Anyway, I ended up crawling into bed around 1am. And for some reason, I just couldn't fall asleep, which normally doesn't happen, my problem is I sleep too much. I was kind of crying to myself off and on, I didn't want to wake Rob, because I was just going thru things in my mind. It's been almost 6 months since we went back to our Sunday School class. We went on Easter, but that's just b/c it was Easter and I felt obligated, there were only two other couples there. One the other childless couple and the other who were about to pop with their 2nd any day. Since then, we haven't been back again. It got to the point that I hated going, and you should never hate going to church. I resented all the couples who got to announce "We're expecting, and our due date is ___fill in the blank__." I dreaded going for fear of hearing those words again, and needless to say it happened 8 times, since we started TTC. Thank goodness I didn't go on Mother's Day, b/c one couple announced they were having their 2nd. The announced their 1st the month we started TTC. I don't know why I kept going thru all this last night of all nights. Other than the fact that I've been avoiding them and God for that matter. I was angry with God, wondering why he would put us thru this. We've been thru alot, why did this have to be so difficult. Why couldn't we be one of those couples who could plan when they wanted to get PG right down to the month? I hated God, I resented him, and I turned my back on him.

Well last night, amongst all the crying I had a God Smack as I like to call them. Duh- this is a hugh Test of Faith, and you're failing miserably. I've only been a Christian for about 6 years, so I'm still trying to figure out my faith and trying to rely on God for support even when I want to be in control of everything. I've never been one to want to give up worrying about something. I worry about everything. I hated when everyone, especially at church, would tell us, "It's just not God's time. Stop trying so hard." I resented God for that one. Why does he get to choose the time for us, when other couples get to plan it themselves? Why are we any different than them? Well for starters they don't have the health complications I do and for another God has specific plans for each of us. Unfortunately this is the plan for us- dealing with IF.

So I prayed for the first time in a long time for guidance. I apologized to God for turning my back on him and for being so angry with him. I know 100% without a doubt that it will happen on His time, not ours. This is His plan for us, and I have absolutely no control over it. It hurt saying that, I admit it, but it's the truth, at least in my mind. So this Sunday, I'm going to go to church and back to our Sunday School class and I'm going to share my story. I'm not going to be afraid of being judged. They all know about our IF, just not how hard it's been and why we left for as long as we did.

I feel like a little bit of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I've gotta keep moving forward. I'll do whatever I can as far as trying to figure out if it's even possible for me to get PG and if there are any other health obstacles in my way, but other than that I'm putting it in God's hands for once. It's something I should have done 2 years ago, but didn't and couldn't.