Friday, October 29, 2010

Just Getting By

I apologize for not commenting or posting, I'm just trying to take each day as it comes and I guess in a way coming on here and blogging is just another reminder or what could have and should have been. I got some really good news on the non-baby front last week. Rob got a promotion which he's been trying to get for over a year. I also defended my PhD proposal and passed. My committee decided that it would also be okay for me to graduate in August 2011. We also got a new car and finally got rid of Rob's old truck. Now all of these things are wonderful and I'm happy they happened, but I would have been happier with just being pregnant and having none of these other things.

At work on Monday a post-doc whose about 35, dating some older guy found out she's pregnant. She went off the pill and didn't think that anything would happen, but of course what happened, the inevitable for everyone else who doesn't have to deal with IF. She always asks me for relationship advice and I guess she thought this topic would be fair game since she knows about what I'm going through. I can't say that I'm happy for her and I know I'm a horrible person, but I'm sorry I don't think I'll ever get over my jealousy until I finally have a viable pregnancy or know that an adoption is going through. The sting never goes away.

Our RE consult is next Tuesday morning. I know that I probably won't come away with any answers or great revelations. Most likely what will happen is he'll say, "you didn't have good results again, you have 8 frozen, they were the lower end quality, we can try a transfer and hope for the best, but the odds aren't good." I have a set of topics I want to go over with him, like whether there's still something wrong with me that is going undiagnosed, that maybe I'm rejecting the embryos, even the one's that are viable. I'm just not ready to hear that my eggs are bad and our embryos aren't healthy and they probably won't ever be. I want to keep trying, I have to keep trying, because stopping isn't an option for me. Even when I have to wait a month to get started on another treatment, I go crazy. I feel helpless and just plain sad. I try and stay as busy as I can, but the hurt and anger always finds a way in.

I'm going to give our remaining embryos the best chance they can have. I'd really like it if we could go ahead and transfer 3 this time, possibly on Day 5 again. I'm tired of being told I'm too young to do more than 2, if I have shitty embryos then what's the big deal with doing 3. We'll see what our RE has to say about that. I'm praying that I'll be able to do a transfer before the end of the year. Unfortunately our clinic closes for cleaning soon, so I just have to hope I can get in before they close. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the year if I can't move forward.

As far as what graduating early means, I have no clue. The likelihood of me finding a job here in town is pretty slim. What that means is that we will have to sell our house and move to where I can find a position and hope that Rob can transfer. Even though this is exciting and it will be a new chapter in my life, all I keep thinking about is if we move and it isn't near our RE's office, WTH am I going to do? I know I have time, but let's face it the months are rolling by and I don't feel any closer to having a baby in my arms.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Well, I've kind of gotten over the shock of everything. If I'm being honest with myself I was halfway expecting the news, but still trying to hold on to some hope. More than anything I'm just angry and tired. Tired of continually putting my body and my mind through this. Tired of feeling heartbroken all of the time. Tired of feeling like I'm still being left behind even in the infertile world. I've sworn off BBC. I can't go on there anymore. It sucks when even among those that are on their 2nd or 3rd IVF, I seem to be the only one that keeps getting passed over for a miracle. That's why I've decided I'm sticking to blogging, at least on here I don't feel like such a failure, no offense to anyone out there, but I feel good knowing I'm not the only one still going through this mess.

I really appreciate all the support you've given me. It really does help to know that someone else is sad for me and the loss of our second angel. I'm thankful that I went with my intuition and tested and requested a beta. If I hadn't done this, we would have gone to our ultrasound next Monday only to be totally devastated with the news that there isn't anything growing. I'm pissed that the on-call nurse I talked to on Friday, told me there was no way that the test I took was accurate and that I would have had lots of bleeding if my levels had dropped. Well, she evidently didn't know what she was talking about, because the nurse who gave me the news on Monday told me that all of the hormones I'm taking are what's keeping me from getting AF. Now that I'm off the meds I should get her at anytime. I'm just waiting for hell to break loose. After the M/C from my FET over the summer, my AF really wasn't all that bad as compared to my normal ones. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

As far as a consult goes we are meeting our RE on November 2 to discuss our next plan. We still have 8 frozen embryos and I'm willing to give them the chance that they deserve, but my hope is still dwindling. Everything my RE said about my 2nd IVF most likely following the same pattern as my 1st IVF is coming true, right down to the miscarriages. I can't help but slowly think that he's right that my eggs really are an issue. I'm still going to talk to him about some more testing for some rarer disorders, but also discuss the possibility that by over-stimming me both times that my quality is being affected. I can't help but wonder if quantity in my case is NOT quality. I just don't know if he'd be willing to change my protocol or whether he's just going to go off of what he's already seen in all his years of practice. After the results of the FET, we've got some decisions to make. We can either:

1. Move forward with IVF#3, hopefully a new protocol.
2. Discuss using Donor Egg.
3. Discuss using Donor Embryo.
4. Move forward with Adoption.
5. Be done with everything and wait until we can afford another option.

At this point I don't really know what I want to do. I know I don't have to make any decisions now, but with our track record I just don't have anything else to go on as far as whether our 8 embryos that are left are going to survive. I still have to decide whether being pregnant and giving birth is that important to me. If we do donor, we run the risk of losing all of the money that we've worked so hard to get. I know it's just money, but the thought of paying loans back and still having no baby to show for it makes me sick to my stomach. Rob has a different take on everything, he wants to leave it up to me, he says he's just ready to be a father, no matter how it happens. I just don't really want to make the decision on my own.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Lost My Baby

I miscarried sometime last week. I took a pregnancy test on Friday and it said "Not Pregnant". I waited all weekend for a beta, today it was 3. If I hadn't tested and checked we would have found out at the ultrasound. I just want to die right now. I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong enough.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Still Surreal

I'm still pinching myself every morning and really trying to remind myself that this is actually real. I guess I'm still in such a state of shock that it hasn't really sunk in yet. After my spotting and cramping on Monday, everything has stopped, which I'm greatful for. I got a really bad migraine on Wednesday night and basically just went to bed at like 7pm and didn't wake up until 8am the next day. Other than feeling fatigued, I don't have any other symptoms. It's funny how when an IFer gets to this point you're always second guessing everything. Well maybe its not healthy if I'm not having more symptoms? I find myself doing this constantly. I don't know if maybe m/s will kick in next week or not. Of course it would be nice to skip that part, but in some stupid and torturous way I actually want it, just for reassurance. I don't know if maybe once we get to the ultrasound and finally see the proof and actually hear the proof of a heartbeat it will finally sink in that I'm actually pregnant.

Update: I started spotting brown again. I pray to God this is normal!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Our Miracle

Yesterday was so stressful. The hospital's machines broke so my RE never got my latest beta results. I called my RE early this morning and finally got my results. It went up to 176 from 70. I just can't believe it. The nurse said it was a great rise and that I don't need to do anymore betas. I'm a little nervous about that, but I trust that they know what they're doing. I had more cramping yesterday evening and had some brown discharge which really scared me. I called the on-call nurse and she said it could be good or bad, evidently it might be from late implantation. I'm supposed to just watch everything closely. I have my first ultrasound scheduled for October 25 7am. It's going to be a long two weeks.

Thank you all for being such amazing IF sisters to me. I apologize for not commenting lately on your blogs, it's been kind of a stressful week to say the least. Thank you again for all your comments and prayers, I wouldn't be here without all of you. Lots of love!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Need Some Prayers

It only went to 70. I can't believe this is happening again. It went up, yes, but it didn't even remotely double. I go for another one on Monday. I'm just tired and numb right now. I feel like I'm going through deja-vu. This is breaking my heart.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Can You Repeat That?

Well I've been cramping since Monday and thought it was rather odd. I don't cramp after a transfer unless I'm off the PIO and AF is a comin'. So yesterday afternoon, after playing hooky from the lab and spending an entire day with Rob, I POAS and there was a magical second line. I got on my hands and knees put my head on the toilet seat (I made sure to put in down while I was waiting) and thanked God!

My beta today 10dp5dt was 50. I'm scared s**tless. It seems a little low to me, but I will take whatever I can get. I'm still cramping, but no spotting whatsoever. My Progesterone was excellent, but the nurse said I needed to up my Estrogen a bit, so I'm on 2 patches every other day.

My 2nd beta is on Friday. I've waited 3 years and 5 months for this chance, I can wait 2 more days to see if it's going to be ok. One day at a time, that's what I'm going to do.

All of your kind comments and stories were so inspiring to me. You lifted me up when I couldn't lift myself up. I really do credit all of your thoughts, prayers, and of course God for this BFP. I'm am so thankful, there's not much else to say.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Losing It

I'm such a loser, I couldn't wait and so I POAS on Friday (5dp5dt)- BFN, and this morning (7dp5dt)- BFN again. I'm losing hope and my heart is breaking again. I got our final embryology report and it wasn't good. Of the 8 embryos we had left on Day 5, none (0) made it to freeze. I'm devestated and just speechless. I don't understand. How can they tell me that things looked so much better, our grades were better and then this happens. WTH is going on? I'm losing hope that this fresh cycle worked. I still have until Wednesday before my beta, but the odds aren't looking good. With my FET, I was getting a BFP 5 days before my beta and look how that turned out. I just don't really know how much more I can take. If we get bad news on Wed, then we are going to ask for a face to face with our RE, normally they just do phone consults. We need to talk to him and really figure out what's going on. I don't know if we need to go ahead and do pre-genetic testing on the embryos and not even waste doing a transfer unless they're ok. Only problem is our RE can do the testing in house, they would have to be sent somewhere. Also, it's going to be extra money. I just don't know. I know we'll go ahead and move forward with the FET, we have to, but after that I'm at a loss. We have 1 IVF left. I never thought we'd even get to number 2.

I think I've resigned myself that we don't want to use donor. I guess I just can't imagine having a child that I know is my husband's and some other woman's. I don't have anything at all against using donor, it's just not something I can do. If we went to donor eggs, that would mean we would be out of the shared-risk program and would have to pay for the donor cycle with the money we get back. How is someone else's eggs, probably someone my age or even a few years older, better? I hyperstimmed both times, got 17 eggs the first time and 20 eggs the second time. We've done genetic testing on both of us and I've done all the clotting disorders, and nothing, nothing, was wrong. So what is it? What's going on, why are they dying? Is the protocol that my RE's using causing damage to the eggs? Is there some kind of developmental issue that we just haven't uncovered?

I'm tired, my heart is breaking a little more with every cycle we do. I know that no matter what happens, I'll know we at least tried. I've told Rob to go ahead and get the information from his company on their adoption policy. I'm a planner and I'd rather get the information now than later.

I know what everyone is thinking; this cycle isn't even over and you're already talking about the next one and getting upset about the embryos that didn't make it. I guess I just don't have much to go on, but what's previously happened to me, and what has happened to others. Yes, I shouldn't compare, but it's in my nature. I won't be testing again until Wed before my beta. I want to be prepared for the phone call whether good or bad. I have to go into the lab that day in the morning, but I'll probably come home after lunch. I know no matter what the results are, I just won't be able to compose myself at school.

On another note I got more bad news on Friday. For the past few years, I've noticed that I have to turn up the volume on most things, higher than what other's use. My mom got hearing aids at a pretty young age, 45 for her first, 56 for her other ear. I went to an Audiologist and had a hearing test done. Based on the results, I've lost hearing in both of my ears, my R is worse. The doctor thinks it's degenerative and hereditary, so they recommended hearing aids. I cried when I got in my car. I feel like I'm falling apart, piece by piece. I know it isn't the end of the world, but considering hearing aids aren't covered by insurance, it's just one more expense we don't have the funds for.

What's next God? My ears are bad, my sinuses are bad, my eggs are bad, my thyroid is bad, my brain isn't that great when it comes to dealing with things, what's left? Are you done yet? I'm only one person. I consider myself to be a strong woman, but seriously what's next? Are you trying to tell me I'm not fit to carry a child, that I'm not fit to pass my genes on? Is that it? Are you trying to tell me that there's so much going on in my body that carrying a child just isn't possible? Is all of this just pushing us towards adoption? I don't know, all I know is that I'm drained from all this IF s**t.