Monday, November 28, 2011

Day By Day

I feel like time has just flown by.  These past two months seem to have gone by in just a flash.  Liam has started daycare and I've started back to work full-time and it seems like each day is just as draining as the last.  I have a very long commute into work, almost an hour and a half on two buses and two trains.  I get up at 4:30 every morning to pump, get to the bus by 6:15 and get to work by 7:45.  I work until 3pm so that I can make the trip back home in enough time to pick up Liam from daycare.  If I worked any later than that I would still be able to pick him up, but by the time I'd bring him home it would be time for him to go to bed.  I feel like no matter how much I sleep I just can't seem to catch up.  Rob works most evenings and practically every weekend, which means that on my days off I take care of the baby from morning til he goes to bed.  I feel like a single parent most days and my relationship with Rob has certainly changed.  Sometimes I feel like we are just passing each other by and that we're more like roomies than husband and wife.  I haven't wanted to have sex in a very long time and I know it's a very important part of our marriage, but I just don't want to do it just to do it to get him off my back.  I know that would mean putting his needs before my own, but I don't want to fake it.  I'm so exhausted every single day that all I want to do is go to bed.  I've been moody and crying alot lately mostly because I'm just feeling very overwhelmed with work and with taking care of Liam.  I feel like I can't get anything done lately.  I'm just going through the motions trying to keep my head above water.  When I do have some free time, which is rare, I have to do chores or work on things for the lab.  I just didn't realize how demanding all of this was going to be and it's a rather rude awakening. 

Liam is doing well for the most part.  He was diagnosed with reflux a few weeks ago and has been on meds ever since.  He started spitting up constantly and just wasn't happy.  I took him in several times to the pediatrician and he just wasn't gaining weight at all.  He was eating 30oz of breastmilk everyday and still wasn't gaining.  I felt like a failure as a mother because my milk just wasn't enough for him.  We started him on rice cereal in every bottle and he finally started putting on some weight, but a week ago at daycare he started getting very fussy again and wanting to eat every 1 1/2 hours.  The ladies at daycare suggested that he just wasn't being satified on my milk and that maybe we should start supplementing with formula.  I relented and we started mixing 1/2 soy formula into every bottle, still adding rice as well.  He seems to do somewhat better, but he's still spitting up alot, at least he did yesterday.  His 4mo appt is on Dec 19, so I'm anxious to see how his weight is doing but also talk to the ped about what to do next.  If he doesn't start keeping things down, then there has to be something more to do.  He's a happy spitter and not really in any discomfort, but when he spits up even while being upright, even after an hour or more past a bottle, something is certainly wrong.  I'm hoping he'll grow out of this and maybe it's just a developmental delay in his GI tract, but I just want him well. 

I really want him to continue on breastmilk and I'm thankful I got him to 3mo at least without having to supplement, but honestly I'm worried that I should have started formula early then maybe he wouldn't have the issues with his weight.  I still think there's benefits to him being on breastmilk for as long as possible.  He hasn't gotten sick yet and I'm very thankful for that, especially since I was expecting him to get something from daycare by now.  I'm down to 4 pumps per day and am freezing alot still.  I was pumping 2 times at work, but that became impossible, so I had to drop one pump.  It was easier than I thought, but I'm worried that it's going to be pretty hard to drop down below 4.  I feel like I'm alone as far as continuing with breastmilk.  I have to practically beg someone to watch him while I pump if we are with family.  Rob is somewhat supportive but he thinks it takes too much of my time and that I'd be happier if I stopped.  In a way I probably would, but I feel like at least this is something good that I can do for him still.  I didn't think I would be able to produce enough for him and now I'm more than able to.  I'm just going to stick it out and see what the ped says and if she thinks it would be best for me to quit and for him to be on a more hypoallergenic formula then so be it.  He's developing so well though.  He started rolling from tummy to back almost two weeks ago and just yesterday he started laughing.  I look at him and just have to smile.  He's amazing in every way and I would be lost without him.  Even though things have been tough lately I wouldn't have it any other way.  He means the world to me and I would do anything for him.  No matter how little sleep I get or how hard it is just to get through the day, I look forward to seeing him and spending time with him.