So my first counselor appt went pretty good. She seems nice and doesn't seem to think my feelings about IF aren't warranted. She actually took Clomid hereself to get PG, so she does know a little about it. AF arrived on her own last night CD40, which is good since I didn't have to take Provera to make her start. Then to top it off I had my annual Pap. Remind me never ever to do this when on AF. If I had known AF was coming I would have re-scheduled, but since AF never shows on a regular basis, I had no idea she would come even at all. My GYN was nice about it all, but I was so grossed out by it. I told him about my new plan of action, and he understands and thinks it's probably a good idea to get my Thyroid regulated before starting back on IF treatments. He still wants to get Rob's Strict Morphology, but we may have to wait a while with all my medical bills piling up. Then as if it couldn't get any worse, I'm getting sick, yet again. I started getting a sore throat last night and cough this morning that's just gotten worse. I'm losing my voice and I sound like a boy going thru puberty, voice cracking and all. I have an appt first thing in the morning with an NP and my GP's office, which more than likely means another antibiotic. God can I have a break, please???
So I guess once I realized this past month that I didn't ovulate, I still haven't started AF and it's been 40 days, and I probably don't have a shot at getting PG for several more months, and months is relative, I've developed a severe case of the F-its. I haven't given up completely, especially since I'm changing so many things about my diet and medications, but I'm still down and disappointed about it. My goal is still just to get PG in 09 (it was to have a baby in 09, but sadly that has certainly passed). As far as school goes, I am so burned out, even though I've had two weeks off in the past three weeks. I just don't want to do anything, and that's where my case of the F-its matters the most. Granted as long as I get my work done, my prof isn't too mean about not seeing me around. I guess I've just been in school for so long and just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have for sure, 2 years, possibly 3 years of school left, and that just seems like so long. Maybe if I really really cared about my project or thought it had some profound outcome that was possible, maybe I wouldn't feel this way, but it's there nevertheless. Anyway, I have my first counselor appt on Wed morning at 8am before I head into school. I'm just hoping she'll be understanding, won't judge me, and won't tell me that I'm crazy.
So I'm waiting til in the morning to go get my Progesterone check. I've been putting it off b/c I just don't want the results. I know I didn't ovulate and this will just confirm that. But it could be a blessing in disguise, maybe my doctor will finally realize Clomid isn't going to be the answer. I've been on it way too long, it's time to move on. I've got the number to call with our insurance company to try and find a psychiatrist. I think it's going to help me, at least I hope it will. I've been doing alot of avoidance lately. Avoiding certain people, avoiding certain places, avoiding saying certain things to certain people. It's just one big avoidance. I can't avoid how it's affecting me any longer.
So I am so glad I didn't go to church or sunday school yesterday. It would have been a cry fest. All the moms and mother's to be get flowers, the whole sermon is about mothers and how great it is. Not something, a childless person like me wants to endure. So I think I've decided that we are going to go to a different sunday school class. I just got a message that a couple in our class is expecting their second child, they started TTC when we did, and already have a son. I can't go anymore. Since we started, there have been 7 babies born. 3 of which are the second child. And guess how many couples don't have children, 2 including us, unless the other couple just hasn't announced yet that they are PG, because they are trying. I'm supposed to be happy for them, but I'm not, I'm upset that we can't announce that we are expecting. I'm mad b/c it could be years from now that we get PG, at the rate we are going. It will be a great day when I can get past all this anger and resentment. Not happening anytime soon.
I had to come home earlier, I couldn't take it, I'm not strong enough anymore. My heart is absolutely breaking again. I was doing just fine until Rob's cousin and wife and baby arrived, last night. I was enjoying myself, I read some great books, and didn't get sun burned, so things were good. Then the baby came and I just fell apart. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. I upset Rob, because he just couldn't understand why I couldn't be around the baby and stay. I tried to explain that I can't enjoy myself and relax, when all I want to do is cry. To top it all off, I didn't O. I've tested since Sunday, and these past 3 months I O'd on Day 18, but something's wrong again. Everything is just falling apart on me. All I want to do is quit. But I know I've come this far and I have to find out whether this is it for me, or whether there's still hope. But God, why does it have to hurt so much? I have that knot that you get when you are so upset, permanently over my heart. It never goes away even though I want it to.
So I am so ready to go to the beach. I'm counting the hours down. I'm leaving my research at home, my computer, and anything else that would prevent me from enjoying myself. I'm going to stock up on some new books to read and take my Nintendo DS to play some games (don't laugh, I kick butt at BrainAge).
So I call Rob's mom yesterday to talk to her about the trip and guess what? Rob's cousin, his wife, and brand new baby are coming for 4 days while I'll be there. Great, absolutely great. So instead of escaping from TTC and babies, I get to endure a lovely four days of nothing but baby, b/c of course Rob's mom is going to go crazy over the baby.
And then to top it off, that will be right when I'm supposed to O. Did I also mention Rob's brother and his wife are coming around that time too. And the best part, there are only 3 bedrooms, and one lovely sofa bed. So I guess I'm going to have to fight to get a bedroom, probably with Rob's brother and his wife. I might even have to use the "I'm ovulating, I need a bed" excuse. Or better yet, we'll have to sneak outside late at night and have a little BD on the Beach. Who knows, maybe a little sand and surf is all I need to get PG.
So here's to hoping for a nice relaxing week at the beach, TTC free; and being screwed over in the end, literally.
My name is Melissa and I'm 28 years old. I've been married to my husband for six years. We've been together since we were 18. We started TTC in May of 2007. I've been thru 8 rounds of Clomid, 3 IUIs, and IVF#1 which all resulted in BFNs. FET#1 and IVF#2 ended in chemical pregnancies. FET#2 resulted in our little miracle Liam, born 8-17-11. This is now my journey through motherhood and past infertility.