Saturday, August 29, 2009

Infertility Bible Study by Sarah's Laughter

A few months ago Katie (a friend from BBC) posted the link to Sarah's Laughter It's an Christian infertility support center based out of Baton Rouge. I decided a few days ago to send them a prayer request. Well the owner of the center sent me an email back that her prayer team was praying for me, but also asked if I would like a copy of her Infertility Bible Study for free. I said yes and I got the book in the mail today. I started crying going thru the book, it was everything I needed and more. It has 8 weekly bible study sessions, work sheets, and she even included a key ring of index cards with the printed bible verses that correspond to the studies. I looked on the website and they are offering it for $10. If she hadn't given it to me for free, I certainly would have paid the money. You can go to the website above and buy the book, or if you want you can try and email Beth and see if she'll send you one for free.

While I was reading thru the book it hit me about what God wants me to do. I know I'm not ready for this yet, but I think once I am I'm going to talk to my pastor at church and see if I can get an Infertility Bible Study Group going using this book. Our church has over 2000 members, and I know that more than just me is going thru or has gone thru infertility. Who knows what the weeks will bring; I'm hoping some peace of mind and maybe my faith back.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Elusive Smiley Face

So I did my normal morning routine and OPK'd, and to my absolute joy I saw a big beautiful smiley face staring back at me. I know most people don't get excited about Oing, but for me it's huge. The past 3 months I have O'd on my own without the use of any fertility meds. I took Clomid for about 8 months and only ovulated 3 of those months. It's the beginning of another long 2ww (Cycle #27), but at least I know I can have a 2ww. That little bit of hope has come back, maybe just maybe this will be my time and I can cancel that RE appt for Sept 9. Wouldn't that be something?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Reliving the Past

I just wanted to start by saying thanks to everyone who commented. It meant alot to read everyone's words of encouragement.

We had our second marriage counseling appt this morning. I still really believe we've found the right place. The last counselor that I went to by myself, I never truly felt comfortable with her. I don't know if it was the place or just a vibe from her, but it just didn't feel right. It's totally different with this psych. Maybe it's because Rob is there right beside me, and I have him for support, or maybe it's because I feel like she can finally explain to Rob what it's been like for me these past two years. For now she thinks that because I'm under so much stress, that my body just isn't ready to be PG. She said that I'm at a such high state of anxiety and stress all the time, because of the pressure I'm putting on myself, but also because of some issues I haven't fully dealt with, that it's no wonder I'm not PG. I do believe most of what she said, but I also believe that there's something physically, not just emotionally that's hindering us from getting PG, and I don't think it's just that I'm hypothyroid. My gut is telling me that finally making an appt with an RE after 2 years is the right thing to do. For now, our task for the week is for me to talk to Rob about something that happened about 3 years ago, that I've never fully dealt with.

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a Vet. I studied my butt off during high school and college so that my grades would be high enough to be accepted. I was offered positions at 7 different vet schools around the country right after undergrad. We got married that summer, after Rob graduated undergrad, and moved to Mississippi so I could attend MSU Vet School. My first year was crazy. We hardly ever saw each other b/c I was either in class or studying non-stop at the school. I got thru my first semester with a 4.0 and my second with a 3.6. At the end of the year, I was called by one of the Deans and told that a student had accused me of cheating on an exam, basically that I had looked at another student's paper. It's was completely false, but at the first hearing, I knew everyone in the room already thought I was guilty. We ended up hiring a lawyer and I got my record expunged basically on a legal technicality that the school didn't follow. The damage was already done though. Everyone, I mean everyone, teachers and students knew what had happened. I would walk into a room and people would stop talking and just look at me. Everyone thought I had gotten off and that I was just a cheater who got away with it. Now for someone who was already battling depression, you can imagine what all of this did to me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I stopped studying, I just fell apart.

And then two months into my second year, a professor who was on one of the committees that found me guilty, brought another charge against me. She claimed that I had tried to change an answer on a test. I knew that it was over for me at the school and that I would never be able to finish without either a student or prof trying to get me kicked out. It was the last draw. Rob and I decided it was best for me to just withdraw from school, so I did. It just wasn't worth fighting again, hiring another lawyer, because no matter what I did, someone was going to try and find something wrong with me or something I did. I was devestated, and it's something I think about everyday. 3 years later I still cry when I talk about it, I get that knot in my stomach and the pain of all of it just comes back.

I'm lucky though. I decided to apply to Florida State's PhD program in Neuroscience, almost immediately after leaving vet school. I was accepted and got a full-ride, including a stipend. So basically I'm getting paid to go to school and get a PhD. I'm happy here and I know I'm probably doing what I was meant to do (research), but everything that happened those years ago still haunts me. I just can't seem to get passed it. Maybe it's because all of the friends I made just graduated in May and they all have jobs as vets now, and I'm still in school.

So my task for this week is to talk to Rob about everything that happened with the vet school saga and what still upsets me about it. I'm not looking forward to rehashing it, but I know it's something I've got to do to finally get over it and accept that it happened for a reason. Our pysch believes that if I can let go of some of the stress and anxiety and anger I still feel about what happened, I might be able to move on and start finally being truly happy in the present. It's a start and I know it's something that will probably help me greatly in the long run. We have our next appt on Monday.

Friday, August 21, 2009

ICLW Welcome and Marriage Counseling

Hi ICLWer's and thanks for coming to see my blog. My name is Melissa and my husband Rob and I have been TTC since May 07. We are currently in limbo with TTC and I have my first RE appt set up for September 9. It can't get here soon enough.

In other news, Rob and I are starting marriage counseling. It's been something we've needed to do, but just didn't want to take the plunge. We are seeing a psychiatrist affiliated with our church. Her counseling offices are actually in a seperate building at our church, which is kind of nice. I had been seeing a counselor by myself since May, but it just didn't feel right. All she wanted me to do was talk thru my feelings, well I'm not a talker, I'm a listener, so it didn't work so well. We went to our first meeting on Wed morning, and I think it's going to be a good fit. I am a Christian and so is Rob, but since all this IF stuff began over two years ago, I've almost completely lost my faith in God. I'm angry all of the time, mostly at myself and at God, for making me this way. What ends up happening is I take it out on Rob. It's horrible and I'm mad at myself afterwards, but it's a endless cycle right now, and I just have to figure out a way to break the cycle and hopefully regain my faith. The psychiatrist explained to Rob, that becoming a mother to me, is part of my identity as a woman. It's something I felt like I was meant to do, what most women feel. She said that men become fathers only when the baby arrives. Then their role becomes being a teacher and provider for the child. I couldn't believe that she actually said everything I'd been feeling, but didn't know how to explain to Rob.

She then said, she understood that I'm probably feeling envious and angry with others who get PG so easily. She said when I hear about someone complaining that they tried for 2-3 months and finally got PG, that I'd want to strangle them. Finally, someone nailed it, and told Rob that that's how I feel. He wouldn't listen to me about how I feel when I find out about someone else getting PG. He thinks it's wrong for me to feel the way I do. The doc told him that it wasn't, because I blame myself for our IF.

I never thought we would ever have to go to counseling. I never thought we would go thru IF, but here we are. The doc did say something that really hit home and made me sad. She told me that all the stress that I'm under and that I'm putting on myself is probably hindering us from getting PG too. I knew this, but to have someone tell me this, just made it more real. I'm stressed b/c I can't get PG and I blame myself for it. I'm stressed b/c I feel like everything is out of my control. The issue is how to not be so stressed about all of this.

We have our next appt on Monday morning. It's going to be expensive b/c we have to pay and then file insurance ourselves, but I know it will be the best way we've spent money in a very long time. Our marriage is worth every penny.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

1st RE Appt

So I've got my very first RE appt set up for both Rob and I on Sept 9. I'm finally feeling some relief, that I've done what I can to get this show on the road. Of course, I'm secretly hoping, that this cycle will be our blessing, and that I won't have to go back to the RE, but honestly that's wishful thinking. At the rate we've been going (2 years, 3 months), even though I am Oing (which I know is a step in the right direction, especially since I'm not on Clomid), I just feel like something else is going on. My thyroid levels are normal, I'm on the right meds for that, so if it's not my thyroid screwing with stuff, then what is it? I need to know, so that's why I went ahead and made the appt. By the time the appt comes, I will have O'd by then, so I can at least know for sure if I did or not and let the RE know. I'm thankful I can at least do most of the consults here in town, but I'll have to do all the actual testing in Jacksonville, which means time off from school for me and off from work for Rob. But I know it's worth it and luckily he feels the same way. We're both tired and just ready for this mess to end in happiness.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

All I Ever Wanted

All I ever wanted was a baby, a child who was half of me and half of Rob. Hopefully the best parts: Rob’s kindness, charm, and devotion; my honesty, brains, and thoughtfulness. It started out as a dream; that grew into a feeling; that blossomed into a desire. A desire to be a mother.

At first it was just my desire; a biological clock that started ticking and hasn’t stopped. Then it gradually became Rob’s too. He could see himself coaching his child at sports, taking them camping, fishing, being a teacher to them like his father was to him. It was all fun and games, at first. The thrill of trying to create life, something so powerful and emotional. It was everything we had hoped it would be. Then it all changed…

The months began passing, then slowly the years. We were so na├»ve, thinking it would be easy, something we could plan. We would be like everyone else, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t turn out the way we had hoped it would. We were wrong, oh so very wrong. It has been anything but fun and enjoyable. It has broken us down, broken me down into someone I never saw as being a part of me. Someone with a broken heart; someone with an ache and a longing so strong that nothing and no one can seem to soothe it. I became an infertile.

I wear a mask; the mask of an infertile. I leave the house with a smile on my face. I finish my work, speak kindly to everyone I see. I try and hide behind my mask, making sure that no one sees what lies behind it. I don’t speak of it to anyone, it’s a secret life. But when I walk thru the doors of my house at the end of the day, the mask comes off. The tears start to fall again, my heart begins to ache again, and I fall apart.

I sometimes wonder if the hole in my heart, will actually heal when we do become parents. Will I forget all of this, forget the pain? I’m sure I will; I’ll have someone I have to be strong for, someone who needs me and counts on me for everything. I wonder when and if this day will come. Is it all worth it? I know it is, it’s just a matter of picking myself up off the floor and starting again. Try, try, and try again. That’s my infertile motto, something I need to live by.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Ok, so I freaked myself out yet again this evening. I decided to take my temp tonight, just for kicks, b/c I was feeling a little hot. 99.5 Of course the number one thing that pops into my mind is I'm pregnant!! So I run to the nearest drug store grab a box of PG tests, POAS, and...BFN, what a surprise. Now granted, it could still be way too early, I'm only CD36, 10DPO, but OMG I was so excited. I'm going to start temping in the am when I first wake up and see if the trend continues. If it does, then maybe just maybe it wasn't all in my head. Saturday can't get here quick enough, 14DPO, and the day of my expected AF.

Just wanted to thank for my most recent award, "One Lovely Blog Award"!

The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

1. Conceive This!

2. 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility

3. The Pitter-Patter

4. Once Upon A Time

5. Bottoms Off and On The Table- An Infertility Journey

6. There's a baby at the end of this, right?

7. All Things Griffin

8. Our Journey

9. It's Only Life

10. Inconceivable?!

Hmm, I need to follow some more blogs. Anyway, Congrats everyone, you deserve it!

Monday, August 3, 2009


Today for some reason I'm feeling more lonely that usual. I just wish IRL there was someone who understood exactly how I felt month after month. Someone whose been thru IF and gotten thru it. Someone I can run to when I'm excited about Oing, someone I can cry to when I'm devestated again with another BFN, someone who will not look at me like I'm crazy when I'm spilling my heart out. There's always Rob, and he'll always be there for me for the rest of my life. But he's helpless when it comes to comforting me about IF. He doesn't get it, he doesn't have to endure the countless doctor's visits, the countless pills, the countless bloodwork. He tries to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, but he just can't right now. I've tried talking to several of my IRL friends, and each and every one them brushes me off. I know a real friend wouldn't do this, they would listen no matter what I said and find some way to say something that might help. Instead my IRL friends, change the subject, or just tell me to "be patient, stop trying so hard, maybe it's not the right time." All things that break my heart even more.

I used to talk to my classmate about it and she at least listened, now she's PG due in October, and can't possibly help me right now. I saw her the other day and she's huge. It was all I could do to look at her eyes or the floor, anything but her growing belly. She asked me how things were, I told her about my latest doctor's visit, and then she changed the subject about how big she feels. I couldn't get away fast enough. Writing things down and chatting online only go so far, they help and I'm so greatful to at least have this, but sometimes I just wish there was someone there for me who I could talk to face to face. Yes, there's my counselor, but come one she's a professional. She's never been thru it. At least she knows not to tell me to "be patient, stop trying so hard, and maybe it's not the right time." I think I'm going to make Wed my last appt for a little while, I think I've exhausted that avenue for now. It's just money I could be spending on my medical bills. I'll get over this, I know. It's something alot of IFers go thru; just wish it was different.

I'm making myself crazy with thinking the twinges of pain I've had only on my R side (the side I O'd on) are PG symptoms. I'm trying to forget, trying so hard to keep busy, but that little bit of hope has crept back into my life. Maybe, just maybe, this is the time. If AF hasn't come by Sat (14dpo, CD40), I might test, we'll see.