Lonely

Today for some reason I'm feeling more lonely that usual. I just wish IRL there was someone who understood exactly how I felt month after month. Someone whose been thru IF and gotten thru it. Someone I can run to when I'm excited about Oing, someone I can cry to when I'm devestated again with another BFN, someone who will not look at me like I'm crazy when I'm spilling my heart out. There's always Rob, and he'll always be there for me for the rest of my life. But he's helpless when it comes to comforting me about IF. He doesn't get it, he doesn't have to endure the countless doctor's visits, the countless pills, the countless bloodwork. He tries to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, but he just can't right now. I've tried talking to several of my IRL friends, and each and every one them brushes me off. I know a real friend wouldn't do this, they would listen no matter what I said and find some way to say something that might help. Instead my IRL friends, change the subject, or just tell me to "be patient, stop trying so hard, maybe it's not the right time." All things that break my heart even more.

I used to talk to my classmate about it and she at least listened, now she's PG due in October, and can't possibly help me right now. I saw her the other day and she's huge. It was all I could do to look at her eyes or the floor, anything but her growing belly. She asked me how things were, I told her about my latest doctor's visit, and then she changed the subject about how big she feels. I couldn't get away fast enough. Writing things down and chatting online only go so far, they help and I'm so greatful to at least have this, but sometimes I just wish there was someone there for me who I could talk to face to face. Yes, there's my counselor, but come one she's a professional. She's never been thru it. At least she knows not to tell me to "be patient, stop trying so hard, and maybe it's not the right time." I think I'm going to make Wed my last appt for a little while, I think I've exhausted that avenue for now. It's just money I could be spending on my medical bills. I'll get over this, I know. It's something alot of IFers go thru; just wish it was different.

I'm making myself crazy with thinking the twinges of pain I've had only on my R side (the side I O'd on) are PG symptoms. I'm trying to forget, trying so hard to keep busy, but that little bit of hope has crept back into my life. Maybe, just maybe, this is the time. If AF hasn't come by Sat (14dpo, CD40), I might test, we'll see.