Reliving the Past

I just wanted to start by saying thanks to everyone who commented. It meant alot to read everyone's words of encouragement.

We had our second marriage counseling appt this morning. I still really believe we've found the right place. The last counselor that I went to by myself, I never truly felt comfortable with her. I don't know if it was the place or just a vibe from her, but it just didn't feel right. It's totally different with this psych. Maybe it's because Rob is there right beside me, and I have him for support, or maybe it's because I feel like she can finally explain to Rob what it's been like for me these past two years. For now she thinks that because I'm under so much stress, that my body just isn't ready to be PG. She said that I'm at a such high state of anxiety and stress all the time, because of the pressure I'm putting on myself, but also because of some issues I haven't fully dealt with, that it's no wonder I'm not PG. I do believe most of what she said, but I also believe that there's something physically, not just emotionally that's hindering us from getting PG, and I don't think it's just that I'm hypothyroid. My gut is telling me that finally making an appt with an RE after 2 years is the right thing to do. For now, our task for the week is for me to talk to Rob about something that happened about 3 years ago, that I've never fully dealt with.

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a Vet. I studied my butt off during high school and college so that my grades would be high enough to be accepted. I was offered positions at 7 different vet schools around the country right after undergrad. We got married that summer, after Rob graduated undergrad, and moved to Mississippi so I could attend MSU Vet School. My first year was crazy. We hardly ever saw each other b/c I was either in class or studying non-stop at the school. I got thru my first semester with a 4.0 and my second with a 3.6. At the end of the year, I was called by one of the Deans and told that a student had accused me of cheating on an exam, basically that I had looked at another student's paper. It's was completely false, but at the first hearing, I knew everyone in the room already thought I was guilty. We ended up hiring a lawyer and I got my record expunged basically on a legal technicality that the school didn't follow. The damage was already done though. Everyone, I mean everyone, teachers and students knew what had happened. I would walk into a room and people would stop talking and just look at me. Everyone thought I had gotten off and that I was just a cheater who got away with it. Now for someone who was already battling depression, you can imagine what all of this did to me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I stopped studying, I just fell apart.

And then two months into my second year, a professor who was on one of the committees that found me guilty, brought another charge against me. She claimed that I had tried to change an answer on a test. I knew that it was over for me at the school and that I would never be able to finish without either a student or prof trying to get me kicked out. It was the last draw. Rob and I decided it was best for me to just withdraw from school, so I did. It just wasn't worth fighting again, hiring another lawyer, because no matter what I did, someone was going to try and find something wrong with me or something I did. I was devestated, and it's something I think about everyday. 3 years later I still cry when I talk about it, I get that knot in my stomach and the pain of all of it just comes back.

I'm lucky though. I decided to apply to Florida State's PhD program in Neuroscience, almost immediately after leaving vet school. I was accepted and got a full-ride, including a stipend. So basically I'm getting paid to go to school and get a PhD. I'm happy here and I know I'm probably doing what I was meant to do (research), but everything that happened those years ago still haunts me. I just can't seem to get passed it. Maybe it's because all of the friends I made just graduated in May and they all have jobs as vets now, and I'm still in school.

So my task for this week is to talk to Rob about everything that happened with the vet school saga and what still upsets me about it. I'm not looking forward to rehashing it, but I know it's something I've got to do to finally get over it and accept that it happened for a reason. Our pysch believes that if I can let go of some of the stress and anxiety and anger I still feel about what happened, I might be able to move on and start finally being truly happy in the present. It's a start and I know it's something that will probably help me greatly in the long run. We have our next appt on Monday.