Monday, August 24, 2009

Reliving the Past

I just wanted to start by saying thanks to everyone who commented. It meant alot to read everyone's words of encouragement.

We had our second marriage counseling appt this morning. I still really believe we've found the right place. The last counselor that I went to by myself, I never truly felt comfortable with her. I don't know if it was the place or just a vibe from her, but it just didn't feel right. It's totally different with this psych. Maybe it's because Rob is there right beside me, and I have him for support, or maybe it's because I feel like she can finally explain to Rob what it's been like for me these past two years. For now she thinks that because I'm under so much stress, that my body just isn't ready to be PG. She said that I'm at a such high state of anxiety and stress all the time, because of the pressure I'm putting on myself, but also because of some issues I haven't fully dealt with, that it's no wonder I'm not PG. I do believe most of what she said, but I also believe that there's something physically, not just emotionally that's hindering us from getting PG, and I don't think it's just that I'm hypothyroid. My gut is telling me that finally making an appt with an RE after 2 years is the right thing to do. For now, our task for the week is for me to talk to Rob about something that happened about 3 years ago, that I've never fully dealt with.

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a Vet. I studied my butt off during high school and college so that my grades would be high enough to be accepted. I was offered positions at 7 different vet schools around the country right after undergrad. We got married that summer, after Rob graduated undergrad, and moved to Mississippi so I could attend MSU Vet School. My first year was crazy. We hardly ever saw each other b/c I was either in class or studying non-stop at the school. I got thru my first semester with a 4.0 and my second with a 3.6. At the end of the year, I was called by one of the Deans and told that a student had accused me of cheating on an exam, basically that I had looked at another student's paper. It's was completely false, but at the first hearing, I knew everyone in the room already thought I was guilty. We ended up hiring a lawyer and I got my record expunged basically on a legal technicality that the school didn't follow. The damage was already done though. Everyone, I mean everyone, teachers and students knew what had happened. I would walk into a room and people would stop talking and just look at me. Everyone thought I had gotten off and that I was just a cheater who got away with it. Now for someone who was already battling depression, you can imagine what all of this did to me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I stopped studying, I just fell apart.

And then two months into my second year, a professor who was on one of the committees that found me guilty, brought another charge against me. She claimed that I had tried to change an answer on a test. I knew that it was over for me at the school and that I would never be able to finish without either a student or prof trying to get me kicked out. It was the last draw. Rob and I decided it was best for me to just withdraw from school, so I did. It just wasn't worth fighting again, hiring another lawyer, because no matter what I did, someone was going to try and find something wrong with me or something I did. I was devestated, and it's something I think about everyday. 3 years later I still cry when I talk about it, I get that knot in my stomach and the pain of all of it just comes back.

I'm lucky though. I decided to apply to Florida State's PhD program in Neuroscience, almost immediately after leaving vet school. I was accepted and got a full-ride, including a stipend. So basically I'm getting paid to go to school and get a PhD. I'm happy here and I know I'm probably doing what I was meant to do (research), but everything that happened those years ago still haunts me. I just can't seem to get passed it. Maybe it's because all of the friends I made just graduated in May and they all have jobs as vets now, and I'm still in school.

So my task for this week is to talk to Rob about everything that happened with the vet school saga and what still upsets me about it. I'm not looking forward to rehashing it, but I know it's something I've got to do to finally get over it and accept that it happened for a reason. Our pysch believes that if I can let go of some of the stress and anxiety and anger I still feel about what happened, I might be able to move on and start finally being truly happy in the present. It's a start and I know it's something that will probably help me greatly in the long run. We have our next appt on Monday.

10 comments:

  1. First of all, I am so happy that you feel more comfortable with this new counselor. That's wonderful. I'm really sorry about everything you went through with that school. I'm sure that was a very traumatic experience for you. I can't even imagine. I hope by talking about it, you are able to move past some of the hurt. Holding on to the past robs you of being happy in the present, but letting go is often a very hard thing to do. I hope you are able to find some closure.

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  2. I am so so sorry for what you went through. That was completely unfair and out of order. I feel like they should apologize to you and completely exonerate you. But congratulations on moving on in such a positive way and completing your studies regardless. I hope your sessions with your new counselor give you some closure and allow your body to rest and heal. Ready for new life.

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  3. I'm so sorry you had all that happen to you. I agree that I doubt stress is the complete cause of not conceiving and I say follow your gut and see an RE.

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  4. Happy ICLW :)

    I'm sorry for all the issues (past and present) you are going through. It sounds like a lot of the baggage hangs on you, bringing you down - and a lot of it can't be helped. However when you are stressed and anxious, as much as I never wanted to admit it, I have realized, puts a big huge road block in fertility. I hope that you purge all the feelings you need to, and to heal, to open yourself back up. {{HUGS}}

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  5. Stress sucks! I hope that your new psych is able to help you find ways to de-stress and deal with the many issues that have been bothering you and, perhaps, hindering your fertility. I say "perhaps" because I think my BFP today is proof that it IS possible to get pregnant while stressed (it's my 6th IVF, our 5th in June ended in a chemical pregnancy, dh was unemployed for over a year and I battle depression/anxiety). However, it is certainly MUCH better to deal with the issues and reduce stress. Sanity is good.

    Wishing you all the best.

    ICLW

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  6. That is horrible what happened to you. I'm glad that you now have a full ride for your phd program though. I guess things have a way of working out in the end. It still doesn't erase the mean things they did though. I am into research too, but I do research in social science.

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  7. Oh my gosh. I can only imagine how angry and hurt that must have made you feel. I can't beleive someone would malciously lie and cause you such hurt and trauma. I can't get my head around it. I am glad that at least something good came of it, but the cost was very high. I hope that this new phsyc helps you get past the pain from the experience. Best wishes.

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  8. Wow! I can't imagine going through all that. You are a strong, strong woman. Good for you for sharing all your thoughts and emotions with your husband. Maybe now he can wrap his head around the way your mind works. I hope that the counseling helps and that your marriage will come out stronger because of it. And if your gut is telling you that something is wrong, make that call to the RE. Then you won't always wonder what if.

    *ICLW*

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  9. Oh, wow. My heart goes out to you for the horrible experiences you went through at vet school. That would be a difficult thing for anyone to get past. I admire your strength and rejoice that you have a great opportunity now for the PhD in neuroscience.

    :: ICLW ::

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  10. Wow, that is a horrible experience and I would have a hard time getting over it as well. You have real strength to be able to go back to school after that experience and still pursue your goals.

    ICLW

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