Friday, August 21, 2009

ICLW Welcome and Marriage Counseling

Hi ICLWer's and thanks for coming to see my blog. My name is Melissa and my husband Rob and I have been TTC since May 07. We are currently in limbo with TTC and I have my first RE appt set up for September 9. It can't get here soon enough.

In other news, Rob and I are starting marriage counseling. It's been something we've needed to do, but just didn't want to take the plunge. We are seeing a psychiatrist affiliated with our church. Her counseling offices are actually in a seperate building at our church, which is kind of nice. I had been seeing a counselor by myself since May, but it just didn't feel right. All she wanted me to do was talk thru my feelings, well I'm not a talker, I'm a listener, so it didn't work so well. We went to our first meeting on Wed morning, and I think it's going to be a good fit. I am a Christian and so is Rob, but since all this IF stuff began over two years ago, I've almost completely lost my faith in God. I'm angry all of the time, mostly at myself and at God, for making me this way. What ends up happening is I take it out on Rob. It's horrible and I'm mad at myself afterwards, but it's a endless cycle right now, and I just have to figure out a way to break the cycle and hopefully regain my faith. The psychiatrist explained to Rob, that becoming a mother to me, is part of my identity as a woman. It's something I felt like I was meant to do, what most women feel. She said that men become fathers only when the baby arrives. Then their role becomes being a teacher and provider for the child. I couldn't believe that she actually said everything I'd been feeling, but didn't know how to explain to Rob.

She then said, she understood that I'm probably feeling envious and angry with others who get PG so easily. She said when I hear about someone complaining that they tried for 2-3 months and finally got PG, that I'd want to strangle them. Finally, someone nailed it, and told Rob that that's how I feel. He wouldn't listen to me about how I feel when I find out about someone else getting PG. He thinks it's wrong for me to feel the way I do. The doc told him that it wasn't, because I blame myself for our IF.

I never thought we would ever have to go to counseling. I never thought we would go thru IF, but here we are. The doc did say something that really hit home and made me sad. She told me that all the stress that I'm under and that I'm putting on myself is probably hindering us from getting PG too. I knew this, but to have someone tell me this, just made it more real. I'm stressed b/c I can't get PG and I blame myself for it. I'm stressed b/c I feel like everything is out of my control. The issue is how to not be so stressed about all of this.

We have our next appt on Monday morning. It's going to be expensive b/c we have to pay and then file insurance ourselves, but I know it will be the best way we've spent money in a very long time. Our marriage is worth every penny.

18 comments:

  1. I hope the counseling really helps you sort out your feelings- and I hope your first RE appt has at least some good news!

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  2. I think it's great that you are going to see a counselor. Plenty of people with healthy marriages see a therapist. Don't feel like you've failed because you both need a little help. The fact that you have both taken the initiative to find someone that will help you grow as a couple, only proves just how much you love eachother. Embrace it, and learn as much as you can.

    I hope time flies between now and September 9th!

    Hugs!

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  3. I think counseling is a great idea. We need help to cope, this stuff is very difficult.

    The God issue is a complicated one for many of us in these shoes. After trying unsuccessfully for a year and then getting two BFPs and miscarriages back to back I feel very shaken. Hopefully I will return.

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  4. I feel a little strange commenting to your blog considering the fact that I am currently pregnant. The reason I am is becasue I read here that you have Hypothyroidism. I also have a underactive thyroid and have been on medication for about 5 years now. I also have Lupus. I developed these conditions after the birth of my first child when I was 19. After I was diagnosed, my clock began to tick again for another child, even though the docs told me not to try for another. We tried, but it absolutely would not happen for me. I was devastated. We tried for 4 years with nothing happening at all.
    Finally, I was defeated and just gave up. I was sad, of course. 6-7 months later, voila. And now here I am, 2 weeks away from delivery.
    I hope I have not upset you. But I wanted to revive your hope. We are the same exact age, with the same exact condition. I believe it can happen for you.

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  5. I hope the counselling helps you both. I do have to disagree with something that your Psych said to you though.

    "She said that men become fathers only when the baby arrives"

    I presume when she says "arrives" that she means living and breathing delivered into this world eg born.

    If thats what she did mean, then I'm sorry but as soon as I'm knocked up with a sprog then my hubby is as much a Father as I am a Mother. It does not take a living breathing baby in order to become a parent.

    If that is NOT what she meant, then PLEASE disregard my comments!

    ICLW

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  6. Infertility is a very hard battle. I went into it thinking I was strong and could handle anything it threw at me. I was so naive. It really puts you to the test, as well as your marriage, and your faith. The upside to it all is that you come out stronger on the other end, and one day when you do become a mother, you will love that child so much more than if you had conceived within a few months of trying. It is great that you guys are seeking counseling, it will help you so much on this journey. Best wishes!

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  7. I'm so glad that you found a therapist that can begin to explain such complicated emotions to both you and your husband. There are so many thoughts and emotions that go along with IF, and if you're like me, it's sooooooo overwhelming.

    Wishing you the best,
    Sonja
    ~ICLW

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  8. I can't wait to meet you. (I'll email you back) We'll talk more then. You're not alone. I promise. :-) ((Hugs))

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  9. Hello Melissa,

    I am so glad that you seeked out help, and I am so happy that your counsellor is so thoughtful.

    For one, I am having issues with God too.

    For two, I read a previous post of yours, and I understand when you speak of somebody to be there IRL as well.

    I have a lot of bloggy support, my mother/family is a giant medical and such support, but I so wish that I could share my journey IRL with someone who was going through the same ordeal. It would have been better. Not that I wish IF on others, but I wish I was not singled out like this in the family.

    Good Luck for the cycle.

    ICLW

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  10. Hi Melissa

    That's really brave of you to go to marriage counseling and it sounds like it was really worth it. The doc also seemed to say everything I feel too! It is so important for our husband's to hear it from a third party, I hope it helps Rob to understand where you are coming from. It's hard not to feel angry or jealous - they are natural and normal feelings, despite not being positive emotions that you want to feel.

    I also have been so angry with God this last year that I haven't been able to pray. I couldn't believe God would do this to us, why, why why? I kept saying. I often spoken in whispers to Him, but I couldn't pray. Recently I have started to realize that IF has happened to us for a reason, it's part of a greater journey that I have to learn to embrace. So I started praying again. It feels good. For us it is the holy month of ramadan, the month of fasting, it is a good time to cleanse, to focus on our spirituality. This time is helping me heal my relationship with God and with those around me. I hope your counseling sessions do the same for you.

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  11. It sounds like you have a good counselor. I hope that the sessions help both of you have a great marriage.

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  12. I'm glad that you found a counselor that you feel is a good fit. That's so important!

    Hoping that these sessions are helpful for you both. Wishing you all the best!

    ICLW

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  13. HAPPY ICLW!

    IF is hard! It totally sucks. You feel isolated, even though you're not! You blame yourself and think everyone else does too. I'm glad your counselor is helping you. Sounds like these sessions are just what you and Rob need to get all these feelings out.

    I wish your RE appointment goes well and your dreams come true.
    *HUGS*

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  14. IF sucks.
    It sucks hard.
    I'm glad that you and your hubby are going to someone to talk to. IF not only effects, well, our fertility, but it has a tendency to effect all aspects of our daily lives, relationships and faith. I can't say my faith is as strong as it once was.

    I hope your RE appointment goes well.

    Anyway,
    Happy ICLW and I look forward to reading more of your journey.
    :)
    Sass

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  15. It sounds like a great counselor. I'm happy you found a good fit. Good luck with the upcoming RE appt! You are totally normal for wanting to strangle someone who announces their pg. Completely normal!
    (((HUGS)))
    ~ICLW

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  16. Good luck in upcoming appointment, and good on you for going to counseling. A marriage you want to save is worth it.

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  17. Good for you for taking the step and getting counseling. I firmly believe that EVERYONE can get something from a few sessions with a good counselor!

    ICLW
    www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

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  18. I am too am seeing a therapist. IF really rocked our world & I 've suffered way too much. I am happy to hear that you are seeing someone as well as your DH too !

    Hugs & Prayers

    ICLW

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