ICLW Welcome and Marriage Counseling

Hi ICLWer's and thanks for coming to see my blog. My name is Melissa and my husband Rob and I have been TTC since May 07. We are currently in limbo with TTC and I have my first RE appt set up for September 9. It can't get here soon enough.

In other news, Rob and I are starting marriage counseling. It's been something we've needed to do, but just didn't want to take the plunge. We are seeing a psychiatrist affiliated with our church. Her counseling offices are actually in a seperate building at our church, which is kind of nice. I had been seeing a counselor by myself since May, but it just didn't feel right. All she wanted me to do was talk thru my feelings, well I'm not a talker, I'm a listener, so it didn't work so well. We went to our first meeting on Wed morning, and I think it's going to be a good fit. I am a Christian and so is Rob, but since all this IF stuff began over two years ago, I've almost completely lost my faith in God. I'm angry all of the time, mostly at myself and at God, for making me this way. What ends up happening is I take it out on Rob. It's horrible and I'm mad at myself afterwards, but it's a endless cycle right now, and I just have to figure out a way to break the cycle and hopefully regain my faith. The psychiatrist explained to Rob, that becoming a mother to me, is part of my identity as a woman. It's something I felt like I was meant to do, what most women feel. She said that men become fathers only when the baby arrives. Then their role becomes being a teacher and provider for the child. I couldn't believe that she actually said everything I'd been feeling, but didn't know how to explain to Rob.

She then said, she understood that I'm probably feeling envious and angry with others who get PG so easily. She said when I hear about someone complaining that they tried for 2-3 months and finally got PG, that I'd want to strangle them. Finally, someone nailed it, and told Rob that that's how I feel. He wouldn't listen to me about how I feel when I find out about someone else getting PG. He thinks it's wrong for me to feel the way I do. The doc told him that it wasn't, because I blame myself for our IF.

I never thought we would ever have to go to counseling. I never thought we would go thru IF, but here we are. The doc did say something that really hit home and made me sad. She told me that all the stress that I'm under and that I'm putting on myself is probably hindering us from getting PG too. I knew this, but to have someone tell me this, just made it more real. I'm stressed b/c I can't get PG and I blame myself for it. I'm stressed b/c I feel like everything is out of my control. The issue is how to not be so stressed about all of this.

We have our next appt on Monday morning. It's going to be expensive b/c we have to pay and then file insurance ourselves, but I know it will be the best way we've spent money in a very long time. Our marriage is worth every penny.