Just Getting By

I apologize for not commenting or posting, I'm just trying to take each day as it comes and I guess in a way coming on here and blogging is just another reminder or what could have and should have been. I got some really good news on the non-baby front last week. Rob got a promotion which he's been trying to get for over a year. I also defended my PhD proposal and passed. My committee decided that it would also be okay for me to graduate in August 2011. We also got a new car and finally got rid of Rob's old truck. Now all of these things are wonderful and I'm happy they happened, but I would have been happier with just being pregnant and having none of these other things.

At work on Monday a post-doc whose about 35, dating some older guy found out she's pregnant. She went off the pill and didn't think that anything would happen, but of course what happened, the inevitable for everyone else who doesn't have to deal with IF. She always asks me for relationship advice and I guess she thought this topic would be fair game since she knows about what I'm going through. I can't say that I'm happy for her and I know I'm a horrible person, but I'm sorry I don't think I'll ever get over my jealousy until I finally have a viable pregnancy or know that an adoption is going through. The sting never goes away.

Our RE consult is next Tuesday morning. I know that I probably won't come away with any answers or great revelations. Most likely what will happen is he'll say, "you didn't have good results again, you have 8 frozen, they were the lower end quality, we can try a transfer and hope for the best, but the odds aren't good." I have a set of topics I want to go over with him, like whether there's still something wrong with me that is going undiagnosed, that maybe I'm rejecting the embryos, even the one's that are viable. I'm just not ready to hear that my eggs are bad and our embryos aren't healthy and they probably won't ever be. I want to keep trying, I have to keep trying, because stopping isn't an option for me. Even when I have to wait a month to get started on another treatment, I go crazy. I feel helpless and just plain sad. I try and stay as busy as I can, but the hurt and anger always finds a way in.

I'm going to give our remaining embryos the best chance they can have. I'd really like it if we could go ahead and transfer 3 this time, possibly on Day 5 again. I'm tired of being told I'm too young to do more than 2, if I have shitty embryos then what's the big deal with doing 3. We'll see what our RE has to say about that. I'm praying that I'll be able to do a transfer before the end of the year. Unfortunately our clinic closes for cleaning soon, so I just have to hope I can get in before they close. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the year if I can't move forward.

As far as what graduating early means, I have no clue. The likelihood of me finding a job here in town is pretty slim. What that means is that we will have to sell our house and move to where I can find a position and hope that Rob can transfer. Even though this is exciting and it will be a new chapter in my life, all I keep thinking about is if we move and it isn't near our RE's office, WTH am I going to do? I know I have time, but let's face it the months are rolling by and I don't feel any closer to having a baby in my arms.