The Plan For Now

So we had our RE consult yesterday. It went basically how I thought it would. He told me that in all honesty, and he did apologize for the terminology, but I went throught 2 chemical pregnancies. It hurt to hear that. It hurt to realize that I never really had a baby growing in me, all it was were some embryonic cells. I'm dealing with this realization, but I can't say it makes it easier to handle, on the contrary it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I never had a chance at all. He says that he fully believes it's an egg issue. Basically when an egg develops there are several steps in which the chromosomes in the egg split and separate, therefore there are many times when something can go wrong. In my case, most likely, I'm either gettting too few or too many chromosomes in my eggs, which in turn is causing genetic abnormalities which in turn causes the embryos to degenerate or not be viable. I trust my RE, but I can't help but wish it wasn't true. I have to look at the facts though. We've gone through 26 embryos at this point. Gosh it hurts just saying that. In the scheme of things if I compare the number of embryos we've gotten compared to what most get during an IVF cycle, it's like we've already been through more than 2 cycles. I asked about the grading of the embryos and the RE said that we've had some excellent Grade 1 and 2 embryos, especially this time, but looks aren't everything. A really high grade embryo can still not be viable or have chromosomal abnormalites, whereas one that looks completely horrible under a microscope could yield a healthy baby. Of the 8 embryos we still have frozen we have several Grade 1 and 2s. I asked about how many we would transfer this next time and he nonchalantly said we can try 4. I'm thinking to myself that he "really" thinks this is going to work. What happened to you're too young to transfer more than 2 to we can do 4 without questioning it. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall right now.

I asked about more testing and brought up immunity and alloimmune disorders and he didn't go for that. He believes that there's too much speculation and not enough evidence to prove that there's any correlation between infertility and these things. I don't believe him, but he's not interested in looking into them any further. He says there just isn't enough medical evidence and research studies to prove to him that it's legitimate. He did suggest one test we can try. I would basically go through a mock cycle and once my lining reached a certain point, they would do a biopsy of the lining. The lining would be grown in culture and tested for beta-integrins which are specific proteins/receptors which help with implantation. If you're lacking in these, there's a higher chance for miscarriage. The treatment for this disorder is 3 months of Lupron, FML!!! However the RE said it's kind of a shot in the dark, the treatment isn't completely proven to be effective, but it's worth a try. He doesn't think this is our issue, but he thought he'd suggest it.

After talking with Rob, we've decided to go forward with another FET cycle. If the FET ends in another BFN, then we'll go ahead with the lining test and see what comes up. If the test shows some abnormalities then I'd have to decide to either move forward with the treatment or just throw in the towel and move forward with adoption. We've decided to wait to do the test because both of us just don't think that's what our problem is. However, we want to do the test before we'd ever consider using donor egg. If I can't carry a child what's the point of trying to get pregnant anymore.

I'm still trying to process all this information. I asked the RE about doing a 3rd IVF and he basically said the odds just aren't in our favor and he wouldn't suggest it. I don't know if we may push the issue if this next FET fails and we go through the lining test to find things out. I just don't know if I'm ready to give up on having a biological child. I'm got alot of soul searching to do and alot of praying. I'm just ready for some sort of closure, whether it be moving forward with donor or adoption or finally getting pregnant with our embryos, I'm just ready to move on with my life, because right now I feel like I'm standing still and everyone else is moving on with their lives.