Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Plan For Now

So we had our RE consult yesterday. It went basically how I thought it would. He told me that in all honesty, and he did apologize for the terminology, but I went throught 2 chemical pregnancies. It hurt to hear that. It hurt to realize that I never really had a baby growing in me, all it was were some embryonic cells. I'm dealing with this realization, but I can't say it makes it easier to handle, on the contrary it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I never had a chance at all. He says that he fully believes it's an egg issue. Basically when an egg develops there are several steps in which the chromosomes in the egg split and separate, therefore there are many times when something can go wrong. In my case, most likely, I'm either gettting too few or too many chromosomes in my eggs, which in turn is causing genetic abnormalities which in turn causes the embryos to degenerate or not be viable. I trust my RE, but I can't help but wish it wasn't true. I have to look at the facts though. We've gone through 26 embryos at this point. Gosh it hurts just saying that. In the scheme of things if I compare the number of embryos we've gotten compared to what most get during an IVF cycle, it's like we've already been through more than 2 cycles. I asked about the grading of the embryos and the RE said that we've had some excellent Grade 1 and 2 embryos, especially this time, but looks aren't everything. A really high grade embryo can still not be viable or have chromosomal abnormalites, whereas one that looks completely horrible under a microscope could yield a healthy baby. Of the 8 embryos we still have frozen we have several Grade 1 and 2s. I asked about how many we would transfer this next time and he nonchalantly said we can try 4. I'm thinking to myself that he "really" thinks this is going to work. What happened to you're too young to transfer more than 2 to we can do 4 without questioning it. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall right now.

I asked about more testing and brought up immunity and alloimmune disorders and he didn't go for that. He believes that there's too much speculation and not enough evidence to prove that there's any correlation between infertility and these things. I don't believe him, but he's not interested in looking into them any further. He says there just isn't enough medical evidence and research studies to prove to him that it's legitimate. He did suggest one test we can try. I would basically go through a mock cycle and once my lining reached a certain point, they would do a biopsy of the lining. The lining would be grown in culture and tested for beta-integrins which are specific proteins/receptors which help with implantation. If you're lacking in these, there's a higher chance for miscarriage. The treatment for this disorder is 3 months of Lupron, FML!!! However the RE said it's kind of a shot in the dark, the treatment isn't completely proven to be effective, but it's worth a try. He doesn't think this is our issue, but he thought he'd suggest it.

After talking with Rob, we've decided to go forward with another FET cycle. If the FET ends in another BFN, then we'll go ahead with the lining test and see what comes up. If the test shows some abnormalities then I'd have to decide to either move forward with the treatment or just throw in the towel and move forward with adoption. We've decided to wait to do the test because both of us just don't think that's what our problem is. However, we want to do the test before we'd ever consider using donor egg. If I can't carry a child what's the point of trying to get pregnant anymore.

I'm still trying to process all this information. I asked the RE about doing a 3rd IVF and he basically said the odds just aren't in our favor and he wouldn't suggest it. I don't know if we may push the issue if this next FET fails and we go through the lining test to find things out. I just don't know if I'm ready to give up on having a biological child. I'm got alot of soul searching to do and alot of praying. I'm just ready for some sort of closure, whether it be moving forward with donor or adoption or finally getting pregnant with our embryos, I'm just ready to move on with my life, because right now I feel like I'm standing still and everyone else is moving on with their lives.

10 comments:

  1. I completely understand where you are. Making the decision to give up on a biological child is one that isn't to be taken lightly and I am sure you and Rob will look at all those angles IF THAT TIME COMES.

    For now, you have a plan, and that is good. I will be hoping that your FET is the last thing you have to do.

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  2. I think your plan to do a FET next sounds very logical. I wish you lots of luck and peace.

    Also, if this RE isn't listening to your fears or answering all of your questions maybe it is time to get another opinion??

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  3. Wow that is a lot of info. I think your plan sounds good and I hope that this fet is all you need. That lining test sounds a little scary.

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  4. I'm so sorry that you are in the shoes that you're in right now. It just seems so wrong. :( I try not to give advice to people unless they ask, but I wanted to tell you that when I was doing some soul-searching I really felt like my need to "mother" superseded my need to have my own child. But on the other hand, to this day I am still sort of mourning the child that will never be. Those little characteristics that I might not get to see coming from me or DH. I don't know. It's a tough decision. I'll be praying for you, as always.

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  5. You have a lot to process- but it sounds like you have a plan going forward. Thinking of you- always.

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  6. sometimes i wish that our doctors could walk a month or two in our shoes and really feel what it feels like...

    i was reading the other day about trinny (as in trinny & susannah "what not to wear")...and how she went through IVF nine times before she had a successful pregnancy that lead to her daughter. never give up hope.

    *big hugs*

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  7. Will the Dr test your embryos to see if they are chromosomally normal?
    A lady on another blog had to go through that.
    http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/

    Not a fan of Drs that wont listen. Are the tests expensive?

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  8. Do you have the option of another RE where you live? There are also a few reproductive immunologists in fertility clinics around the country. I considered seeing Carolyn Coulam in Chicago, who was willing to do phone consultations.

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  10. i don't believe a 3rd IVF couldn't help. have you thought of getting a 2nd opinion? or seeing another RE just to get the immune/genetics testing done? i've heard of the beta integrin test (uterine biopsy) but my RE didn't want to do it, but he ran every other test in the world on me. we're doing PGS/CGH testing on the embryos this time because everything else came back normal for the most part. good luck with your decisions. hugs.

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