So I went to the fair yesterday, basically to gourge myself on fair food. I chose to eat away my sorrows with fried vegetables (okra, pickles, and green beans), a corn dog, chili fries, and a huge chocolate dipped rolled in nuts frozen banana. And yes, I ate every bit of it and loved it! At this point trying to find something that will make the hurt go away is pretty much non-existent, but eating fair food helped.
While at the fair I came across a fortune teller booth. I paid $10 to have my palms read and to do a tarot card reading. Now I'm not a firm believer in this stuff, but I do find it pretty interesting. So the lady read my palms and said I'm going to live a long life. Well that's always nice to hear, but do you really think she would tell me that I have a month to live? Probably not. She tells me that I've already found my soul mate, true, but I'm sure she caught on since I was wearing my wedding ring and my husband was waiting outside the tent. She then tells me that I have been pulling away and disengaging from my marriage. Uh, ok interesting, do I have something on my face (maybe some leftover mustard) which told her I'm suffering from IF and my marriage and relationship with my husband is not what it used to be? She then says that I will have 2 children very close in age, possibly twins. I like the sound of that.
She then asked me, "Have you recently gone through a miscarriage, abortion, or still-birth?" I almost started crying at the stupid table. I was wearing sunglasses at the time, so I don't think she could see the hurt and horror in my eyes, but I answered yes I've had 2 failed pregnancies. She told me my journey will continue to be hard and that I have an abdominal issue that needs to be taken care of before things will turn around. She tells me that a curse or hex has been placed on me from a person(s) in my past and that I need a spiritual cleansing. She then tells me I can pay $75 for her to do it right there in the tent. I walked away with one of her pamplets in my hand and a little bit of shock.
Now I know these women study your mannerisms and look for clues to what's going on in your life, but why the hell would she have asked if I recently had a loss, that's not something you ask someone you've never met before in your life. I don't put alot of stock into what she said, but it still makes me wonder. I'd like to think her prediction of 2 children possible twins is right, but no one knows the future but God.
Alot of you have commented that I should seek a second opinion or continuing doing more IVFs before moving on to other options. For now I am stuck in a contract with my current RE. We signed up for the shared-risk program and forked over $18,000, so we aren't leaving anytime soon. If this next FET doesn't work, then we'll do that stupid biopsy lining test and proceed from there. At my current frame of mind, I'm done with IVF and ER. We've produced 34 embryos over half of which were Graded 1 at either Day 3 or Day 5. I've had 3 transfers, and ended up with 2 chemical pregnancies. My hormone levels are always normal and my lining had been thick as can be with all of the transfers. I'm tired of going through the heartache and physical pain of ERs. Both times I've hyperstimmed and had really long and hard recoveries. Both times we've ended up with tons of embryos, but they all start dying.
My clinic has over 20 years of experience and was once rated among the Top 10 best clinics in the country. I trust their expertise and I trust my RE. I may not like what he has to say about our results or about his views on my eggs, but it is what it is and I'm prepared to be okay with that. Many of you have gone on to do 3 or more IVFs, but most of you ended up with fewer than 8 embryos at any given time. Some of you even ended up with only 1 or 2 by the day of the transfer and none to freeze. That didn't happen to me, I've had ample opportunities with all of the embryos I've ended up with. My embryos may look nice under a microscope, but something genetically is seriously wrong with them. You will always have some death among the embryos, but not like what we've had.
As far as doing PGD testing on the embryos we have left that would cost us an extra $3000 because our lab can't do the testing in house. The embryos would have to be shipped elsewhere for the test. Yes I would love to finally have a definitive, "You're embryos are not viable and are chromosomally abnormal," but at this point I pretty much already know that by the way they've reacted when developing and from the 3 failed transfers. Also I don't really feel comfortable with having a cell taken out of the embryos for testing, at the rate we are going even if we had a viable embryo I don't think it would be strong enough to survive the testing. To us, using that money for another option is better.
As it stands, Rob and I have decided to move forward with donor egg, if the time comes after another failed FET. I am not strong enough physically or emotionally to go through another IVF. I'm ready to be pregnant and I'm ready to be a mother, and if that means giving up on ever having a child with my genetic material then so be it. I don't feel like a failure, I feel like I've just reached my limit on the heartache of failed IVFs that I can withstand. We've decided on moving forward with donor because Rob said he wants me to be pregnant and he wants to go through a pregnancy with me. He said he isn't ready to give up on using his genetic material and I respect that. This isn't just about me, it's about us and OUR journey to parenthood. I finally got him to open up and tell me what he really feels and it actually made me feel better and took a load off of my shoulders. We have a plan that we agree on and that feels good. I know this may not be what everyone else would decide if they were in my position, but this is what feels right to us, so I'm going with it.
#MicroblogMondays 161: People are Magic
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