Waiting

Well, I've kind of gotten over the shock of everything. If I'm being honest with myself I was halfway expecting the news, but still trying to hold on to some hope. More than anything I'm just angry and tired. Tired of continually putting my body and my mind through this. Tired of feeling heartbroken all of the time. Tired of feeling like I'm still being left behind even in the infertile world. I've sworn off BBC. I can't go on there anymore. It sucks when even among those that are on their 2nd or 3rd IVF, I seem to be the only one that keeps getting passed over for a miracle. That's why I've decided I'm sticking to blogging, at least on here I don't feel like such a failure, no offense to anyone out there, but I feel good knowing I'm not the only one still going through this mess.

I really appreciate all the support you've given me. It really does help to know that someone else is sad for me and the loss of our second angel. I'm thankful that I went with my intuition and tested and requested a beta. If I hadn't done this, we would have gone to our ultrasound next Monday only to be totally devastated with the news that there isn't anything growing. I'm pissed that the on-call nurse I talked to on Friday, told me there was no way that the test I took was accurate and that I would have had lots of bleeding if my levels had dropped. Well, she evidently didn't know what she was talking about, because the nurse who gave me the news on Monday told me that all of the hormones I'm taking are what's keeping me from getting AF. Now that I'm off the meds I should get her at anytime. I'm just waiting for hell to break loose. After the M/C from my FET over the summer, my AF really wasn't all that bad as compared to my normal ones. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

As far as a consult goes we are meeting our RE on November 2 to discuss our next plan. We still have 8 frozen embryos and I'm willing to give them the chance that they deserve, but my hope is still dwindling. Everything my RE said about my 2nd IVF most likely following the same pattern as my 1st IVF is coming true, right down to the miscarriages. I can't help but slowly think that he's right that my eggs really are an issue. I'm still going to talk to him about some more testing for some rarer disorders, but also discuss the possibility that by over-stimming me both times that my quality is being affected. I can't help but wonder if quantity in my case is NOT quality. I just don't know if he'd be willing to change my protocol or whether he's just going to go off of what he's already seen in all his years of practice. After the results of the FET, we've got some decisions to make. We can either:

1. Move forward with IVF#3, hopefully a new protocol.
2. Discuss using Donor Egg.
3. Discuss using Donor Embryo.
4. Move forward with Adoption.
5. Be done with everything and wait until we can afford another option.

At this point I don't really know what I want to do. I know I don't have to make any decisions now, but with our track record I just don't have anything else to go on as far as whether our 8 embryos that are left are going to survive. I still have to decide whether being pregnant and giving birth is that important to me. If we do donor, we run the risk of losing all of the money that we've worked so hard to get. I know it's just money, but the thought of paying loans back and still having no baby to show for it makes me sick to my stomach. Rob has a different take on everything, he wants to leave it up to me, he says he's just ready to be a father, no matter how it happens. I just don't really want to make the decision on my own.