Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Waiting

Well, I've kind of gotten over the shock of everything. If I'm being honest with myself I was halfway expecting the news, but still trying to hold on to some hope. More than anything I'm just angry and tired. Tired of continually putting my body and my mind through this. Tired of feeling heartbroken all of the time. Tired of feeling like I'm still being left behind even in the infertile world. I've sworn off BBC. I can't go on there anymore. It sucks when even among those that are on their 2nd or 3rd IVF, I seem to be the only one that keeps getting passed over for a miracle. That's why I've decided I'm sticking to blogging, at least on here I don't feel like such a failure, no offense to anyone out there, but I feel good knowing I'm not the only one still going through this mess.

I really appreciate all the support you've given me. It really does help to know that someone else is sad for me and the loss of our second angel. I'm thankful that I went with my intuition and tested and requested a beta. If I hadn't done this, we would have gone to our ultrasound next Monday only to be totally devastated with the news that there isn't anything growing. I'm pissed that the on-call nurse I talked to on Friday, told me there was no way that the test I took was accurate and that I would have had lots of bleeding if my levels had dropped. Well, she evidently didn't know what she was talking about, because the nurse who gave me the news on Monday told me that all of the hormones I'm taking are what's keeping me from getting AF. Now that I'm off the meds I should get her at anytime. I'm just waiting for hell to break loose. After the M/C from my FET over the summer, my AF really wasn't all that bad as compared to my normal ones. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

As far as a consult goes we are meeting our RE on November 2 to discuss our next plan. We still have 8 frozen embryos and I'm willing to give them the chance that they deserve, but my hope is still dwindling. Everything my RE said about my 2nd IVF most likely following the same pattern as my 1st IVF is coming true, right down to the miscarriages. I can't help but slowly think that he's right that my eggs really are an issue. I'm still going to talk to him about some more testing for some rarer disorders, but also discuss the possibility that by over-stimming me both times that my quality is being affected. I can't help but wonder if quantity in my case is NOT quality. I just don't know if he'd be willing to change my protocol or whether he's just going to go off of what he's already seen in all his years of practice. After the results of the FET, we've got some decisions to make. We can either:

1. Move forward with IVF#3, hopefully a new protocol.
2. Discuss using Donor Egg.
3. Discuss using Donor Embryo.
4. Move forward with Adoption.
5. Be done with everything and wait until we can afford another option.

At this point I don't really know what I want to do. I know I don't have to make any decisions now, but with our track record I just don't have anything else to go on as far as whether our 8 embryos that are left are going to survive. I still have to decide whether being pregnant and giving birth is that important to me. If we do donor, we run the risk of losing all of the money that we've worked so hard to get. I know it's just money, but the thought of paying loans back and still having no baby to show for it makes me sick to my stomach. Rob has a different take on everything, he wants to leave it up to me, he says he's just ready to be a father, no matter how it happens. I just don't really want to make the decision on my own.

26 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. This just flat out sucks, there's really no other way to put it. I, too, am glad you tested & found out the horrible news that way instead of going to an ultrasound to find out. Small blessings, I guess. You have a lot on your plate right now and so much to consider. Take it one day at a time. Rob sounds a lot like Matt-- more laid back & wanting me to make the big decisions. Personally, though, I feel like this decision is way too big to make on your own. I'd try to ask him to dig deeper to find out if he really has a preference one way or another. It's just too big of a weight to carry on your own.

    I'll be interested to hear what your RE has to say. I think it's great that you're going armed with tons of questions and suggestions. Truly, doctors don't always know best. Trust your instincts. What works for everyone else might not work for you & your RE needs to be open to trying different things.

    Someday, someway. You'll get there, Melissa.

    ((BIG HUGS))

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  2. I definitely would not go through the same protocol again. Good luck on Nov 2nd. There are lots of us still on this path with you!!

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  3. I feel like one Fresh IVF is not enough knowledge to give up. I do feel like a new protocol could make a difference. But I do think it's smart to consider that first rather than some other things- if you can afford it of course. I have seen this happen to ladies a few times. First IVF gets a m/c, and then they go through all their FET's without success, only to get pregnant on their next fresh cycle.

    But, really, you don't need to make any decisions now. Take care of yourself. Things become clearer the farther you get away from it.

    Just know, you are not the only one languishing, I do know how it feels to see other people getting their miracles and wondering "When it will be me?"

    Hugs to you.

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  4. I agree with ppl. Definitely take some time before making any decisions, like after AF. There are just too many emotions and hormones going on right now.
    In your situation I would want to do another fresh. I believe I stimmed too quick for my IVF and that's why it failed. I have PCOS and most of us should be stimmed slow. I wasn't responding enough in the beginning and then took off at the end.
    Even though DH put the decision on you, make sure he knows what you are leaning towards and get his thoughts.
    We are here for you and all of this sucks. I hope you get answers and get your baby soon.

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  5. *hugs* I am so sorry. I really don't know anything about what I am talking about, but could you do some sort of genetic testing or embryo testing on the frozen eggies you have left to see if there is an issue there? I really hope you get some good news soon.

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  6. I know you and I have already talked, but I just wanted to drop by to let you know that I am thinking about you.

    I know that you and Rob will figure out the right path to continue down. I know you are like me and you like to have a plan, so you will find it - and with it, the peace that comes from knowing your next step.

    Hang in there.

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  7. Visiting early from ICLW. I'm so sorry about your loss ... I lost two, also, before my current pregnancy. And you're right ... this shouldn't be your decision alone, even if it's your body ... because you'll need Rob's love and support and encouragement. Right now, the most important thing is to be kind to yourself ... whatever that means for you. If it's curling up on the couch with tea and a blanket, then let the decision wait. You deserve time to heal from this.

    *hugs* to you ...

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others...take your time making the right decision, but for the time being focus on you and making sure that you're healing both physically and emotionally.

    ICLW

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  9. I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you consider seeing a different RE? It sounds like a different protocol is a great idea, but I've definitely dealt with REs who pretty much only do one protocol whether it's right for you or not. Btw I've been with my husband since I was 18 too, and got married at 22--yay young love :). We've been ttc for 4.5 years now and became parents thru open adoption 1.5 years ago. Wishing you healing, and good luck on whatever next steps you choose.

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  10. I am so very sorry for you loss. Definitely take the time to think things over.

    ICLW
    http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

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  11. Stopping by from LFCA..
    I am so sorry for your loss. We are all here for you so go ahead and vent!

    I think your husband is trying to be sweet by letting you decide, but him not airing his opinion has got to be frustrating. So tell him that!

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  12. i'm so so sorry you have to go through this. i feel left behind too, but don't worry. it's going to happen! i agree with some of the above posters. take some time. your decision will be come clearer in time. hugs!

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  13. I'm so sorry for your struggles. I've done 1 failed IVF - we didn't even make it to transfer due to 'egg issues'. It's hard to decide what to do. We're gonna go for #2 in January, but if that doesn't work either, I'll definitely be at a loss, too. I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you!

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  14. stopping in from ICLW, and just wanted to say that I am sorry for all that you are going through right now. I hope that whatever course you decide to take that it works for you!

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  15. I agree that you should give yourself some time to rest and heal before making your decision. Another week or two won't change anything.

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  16. I'm so sorry for your losses. Hopefully you will have more information about how to proceed after your dr's appt on the 2nd. Wishing you all the best!

    By the way, I'm now a new follower. :)

    ~ICLW

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  17. I'm so very sorry for your loss. It is heart wrenching to go through a miscarraige after an IVF cycle. It's like you've waited so long and went through so much to have such pain and have to start all over again. I've been there. I hope that you have better luck with any one of your remaining 8 embryos. I also stimmed for a long time and had a chemical on that 3rd fresh cycle but had 9 to freeze. The next FET didn't work but on the next one I became pregnant with my twins who just turned one! Don't lose hope yet! Good luck~ I just added your link.(ICLW #72 & 106)

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  18. Stopping in from ICLW.

    I am incredibly sorry to hear about your journey. I sadly know the heartbreak you feel as well. I have gone through two IVF's myself both with donor eggs from my sister.

    I hope you get some answers and that the rest of your journey is filled with peace and happiness.

    *hugs*

    ICLW #163

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  19. stopping over from ICLW #31. I'm so sorry for your second loss. this journey is incrediblly difficult, but you are a strong woman and you will find your way. sending you peace and strength.

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  20. Again, Melissa, I am sorry to hear about your loss. It all sounds like so much to process while dealing with the emotions of both the loss and trying to plan your next step. While you sound a bit better, I am sorry that you feel the decision has to be yours in where you go from here. It is great to hear Rob is open to alternate plans towards parenthood, which is huge and should not be disregarded. Even if Rob is flexible and open-minded, the decision should be made as a couple. Keep letting him know how you feel about the weight of the decision being put onto you. Let him know you are scared and you need his support in the responsibility of making this decision about your life together.

    Love you!

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  21. I'm so sorry to read about your loss. It must be really difficult to grieve your loss and try to plan for your next move. I'm wishing you peace and comfort on this journey.

    ICLW 128

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  22. I am so sorry for your alls loss. Hopefully your RE will get you on the right protocol and whatever your next step is will bring home your baby. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    ICLW #8

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  23. I too am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope things drastically improve for you very soon.

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  24. I'm so sorry for your loss. I pray that your RE visit will help you with your choices and feeling like you are making the right one.

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  25. I am sorry for your loss and your IF struggles. I wanted to share with you that I did a cycle right after a very early loss...I wasn't sure what to do.. if I should, I have the same questions as you.. but I did it and it was a success. The only advice I can offer is to follow your heart... or instincts or your gut or intuition... well you get the idea :-)

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