Losing It

I'm such a loser, I couldn't wait and so I POAS on Friday (5dp5dt)- BFN, and this morning (7dp5dt)- BFN again. I'm losing hope and my heart is breaking again. I got our final embryology report and it wasn't good. Of the 8 embryos we had left on Day 5, none (0) made it to freeze. I'm devestated and just speechless. I don't understand. How can they tell me that things looked so much better, our grades were better and then this happens. WTH is going on? I'm losing hope that this fresh cycle worked. I still have until Wednesday before my beta, but the odds aren't looking good. With my FET, I was getting a BFP 5 days before my beta and look how that turned out. I just don't really know how much more I can take. If we get bad news on Wed, then we are going to ask for a face to face with our RE, normally they just do phone consults. We need to talk to him and really figure out what's going on. I don't know if we need to go ahead and do pre-genetic testing on the embryos and not even waste doing a transfer unless they're ok. Only problem is our RE can do the testing in house, they would have to be sent somewhere. Also, it's going to be extra money. I just don't know. I know we'll go ahead and move forward with the FET, we have to, but after that I'm at a loss. We have 1 IVF left. I never thought we'd even get to number 2.

I think I've resigned myself that we don't want to use donor. I guess I just can't imagine having a child that I know is my husband's and some other woman's. I don't have anything at all against using donor, it's just not something I can do. If we went to donor eggs, that would mean we would be out of the shared-risk program and would have to pay for the donor cycle with the money we get back. How is someone else's eggs, probably someone my age or even a few years older, better? I hyperstimmed both times, got 17 eggs the first time and 20 eggs the second time. We've done genetic testing on both of us and I've done all the clotting disorders, and nothing, nothing, was wrong. So what is it? What's going on, why are they dying? Is the protocol that my RE's using causing damage to the eggs? Is there some kind of developmental issue that we just haven't uncovered?

I'm tired, my heart is breaking a little more with every cycle we do. I know that no matter what happens, I'll know we at least tried. I've told Rob to go ahead and get the information from his company on their adoption policy. I'm a planner and I'd rather get the information now than later.

I know what everyone is thinking; this cycle isn't even over and you're already talking about the next one and getting upset about the embryos that didn't make it. I guess I just don't have much to go on, but what's previously happened to me, and what has happened to others. Yes, I shouldn't compare, but it's in my nature. I won't be testing again until Wed before my beta. I want to be prepared for the phone call whether good or bad. I have to go into the lab that day in the morning, but I'll probably come home after lunch. I know no matter what the results are, I just won't be able to compose myself at school.

On another note I got more bad news on Friday. For the past few years, I've noticed that I have to turn up the volume on most things, higher than what other's use. My mom got hearing aids at a pretty young age, 45 for her first, 56 for her other ear. I went to an Audiologist and had a hearing test done. Based on the results, I've lost hearing in both of my ears, my R is worse. The doctor thinks it's degenerative and hereditary, so they recommended hearing aids. I cried when I got in my car. I feel like I'm falling apart, piece by piece. I know it isn't the end of the world, but considering hearing aids aren't covered by insurance, it's just one more expense we don't have the funds for.

What's next God? My ears are bad, my sinuses are bad, my eggs are bad, my thyroid is bad, my brain isn't that great when it comes to dealing with things, what's left? Are you done yet? I'm only one person. I consider myself to be a strong woman, but seriously what's next? Are you trying to tell me I'm not fit to carry a child, that I'm not fit to pass my genes on? Is that it? Are you trying to tell me that there's so much going on in my body that carrying a child just isn't possible? Is all of this just pushing us towards adoption? I don't know, all I know is that I'm drained from all this IF s**t.