So I was up tossing and turning last night, crying off and on. I just got done watching Maneater with Sarah Chalke, who I think is freakin' hilarious, I love her on Scrubs. But of course, every IFers dream is to watch a movie in which, guess what the lead discovers she's PG. It was still a funny movie, so I got over it, but of course they had to have the delivery scene towards the end. There I am sobbing in front on the tv, feeling sorry for myself as usual. Luckily I was laughing in between crying, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Anyway, I ended up crawling into bed around 1am. And for some reason, I just couldn't fall asleep, which normally doesn't happen, my problem is I sleep too much. I was kind of crying to myself off and on, I didn't want to wake Rob, because I was just going thru things in my mind. It's been almost 6 months since we went back to our Sunday School class. We went on Easter, but that's just b/c it was Easter and I felt obligated, there were only two other couples there. One the other childless couple and the other who were about to pop with their 2nd any day. Since then, we haven't been back again. It got to the point that I hated going, and you should never hate going to church. I resented all the couples who got to announce "We're expecting, and our due date is ___fill in the blank__." I dreaded going for fear of hearing those words again, and needless to say it happened 8 times, since we started TTC. Thank goodness I didn't go on Mother's Day, b/c one couple announced they were having their 2nd. The announced their 1st the month we started TTC. I don't know why I kept going thru all this last night of all nights. Other than the fact that I've been avoiding them and God for that matter. I was angry with God, wondering why he would put us thru this. We've been thru alot, why did this have to be so difficult. Why couldn't we be one of those couples who could plan when they wanted to get PG right down to the month? I hated God, I resented him, and I turned my back on him.
Well last night, amongst all the crying I had a God Smack as I like to call them. Duh- this is a hugh Test of Faith, and you're failing miserably. I've only been a Christian for about 6 years, so I'm still trying to figure out my faith and trying to rely on God for support even when I want to be in control of everything. I've never been one to want to give up worrying about something. I worry about everything. I hated when everyone, especially at church, would tell us, "It's just not God's time. Stop trying so hard." I resented God for that one. Why does he get to choose the time for us, when other couples get to plan it themselves? Why are we any different than them? Well for starters they don't have the health complications I do and for another God has specific plans for each of us. Unfortunately this is the plan for us- dealing with IF.
So I prayed for the first time in a long time for guidance. I apologized to God for turning my back on him and for being so angry with him. I know 100% without a doubt that it will happen on His time, not ours. This is His plan for us, and I have absolutely no control over it. It hurt saying that, I admit it, but it's the truth, at least in my mind. So this Sunday, I'm going to go to church and back to our Sunday School class and I'm going to share my story. I'm not going to be afraid of being judged. They all know about our IF, just not how hard it's been and why we left for as long as we did.
I feel like a little bit of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I've gotta keep moving forward. I'll do whatever I can as far as trying to figure out if it's even possible for me to get PG and if there are any other health obstacles in my way, but other than that I'm putting it in God's hands for once. It's something I should have done 2 years ago, but didn't and couldn't.
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