So I got up early this morning and went with Rob to the gym for the first time. I did cardio for 30min and weight training for another 30min. I was late getting into work, but I didn't really care. I felt great and I felt like I was being proactive. We've got a schedule for the gym set. On the days when Rob goes in late to work, we'll go in the mornings, and when he goes in early, we'll go in at night. My goal is to go at least 5 times a week. I know I will be sore in a day or two, but it's a good sore, a sore I'm working towards. It's a sore that isn't my heart, which it has usually been. I think it will get my mind off things for a little while. I got alot of work done today, so all in all it was very productive.
I went to church yesterday for the first time since we went for Easter. I saw my old sunday school teacher, she's in her late 30's with three kids, but she acts like she's 25. Another friend from class, also came up to see me. For some reason, when she asked how I was doing, I just started crying. I hate crying in public, I feel so vulnerable and out in the open. So they took me and Rob into another empty room, and we just talked. I told them everything that had happened since we last saw them and about all the feelings I'd been having lately. It was really cathartic and exactly what I needed. God brought them together at that exact moment and on that exact day to help me. Even the sermon spoke to me, it was about not having joy in your life. I haven't felt joyful in a very long time. They made a suggestion, that I'm not sure I'll go thru with, but it's a thought. They told me I should start slowly getting baby things, just little by little and get our spare room ready. I just don't know if I could do that, I mean I have no idea when and if I'll have a baby. It could be years. I just don't know if I could have a nursery and no baby to put in it. And then if I got done with school and we moved and still didn't have a baby, what then? I know, I know, not thinking very positive, but it's a habit that's hard to break. So I'm going to think on it for a while.
An Infertility/Loss Essay
6 hours ago
First, Melissa- I love the gym plans and I totally get the soreness, but not in your heart. Sometimes it just feels good to having something good and new to focus on.
ReplyDeleteAs for the baby things... I know the two women meant well... but my advice is not to. I think they had good intentions, but you don't really get IF unless you've been there. I don't think they can comprehend that there is a chance that it might not be in your future. I know I would see those baby things in times of sadness- and it would perpetuate the sadness. I used to work in high school and college at a children's clothing store in the mall. Everyone, except me, would buy stuff when it got marked down, because with our discount it was ridiculously priced- including girls in high school with no BF and no plans for a baby in sight. I am thankful everyday of the past 3 years that I didn't do that. I know I would be carrying that around as an extra source of pain.
But everyone is different, and you know best how you would react to that. Just thought I would give you my opinion.
Wow, the part where you talked about your body being sore instead of your heart really hit home for me. I know exactly what you mean. I think it's really great that you are setting goals and taking care of yourself. I think there comes a time when we need to step back from ttc and just focus on ourselves.
ReplyDeleteAs for your friend's recommendation. I wholeheartedly agree with Katie. I really don't think it's a good idea to buy things before there is someone to buy them for. I know if I was having a bad day, the last thing I would want to see is a crib and a bunch of onesies. I hope I'm not overstepping any bounds by telling you that, I'm just looking out for you. =)
No, totally tell me what y'all think and y'all have never overstepped. I agree, I'm not going to do it. I know it's being a little pessimistic, but I can't plan for something when there isn't anything to plan for. I have a few onesies from Rob's college, but that's all. So until there's a reason, I'm not doing any spending anytime soon. Thanks for the backup.
ReplyDeleteThe part of the post about the gym hit home with me too. I have been skipping out on the gym and I need to get back into it as well. I should use you as my inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI am also glad to hear you say that you are not taking the advice of the two women at church. I know, thinking positive may get you somewhere, but I am not entirely sure that I could take an empty crib in a nursery with no baby on those really tough days.
I am glad to hear things seem to be looking up for you. Love you!
I'm so impressed by your dedication to start working out! I have always struggled with that motivation and have always admired those that actually do it. I think your body is already responding positively to the changes since you O'd on your own this month. I'm so excited for you!
ReplyDeleteI also agree with the girls about not getting the baby stuff. I actually know a couple that has been struggling with IF. Right when they started TTC, they literally decorated an entire nursery. She says now she can't even go in there because it's too painful. To be honest I haven't even gotten a single thing for our baby yet because after going through IF, if something happened with this pregnancy even, I don't think I could ever look at the baby stuff again. I think first and foremost it's important to protect your heart and take care of yourself. It will also make it that much more special when you do have a baby on the way and can go out and buy those things and have the joy that goes along with it. As Katie said, I'm sure they were well-meaning but really they won't ever "get it" until they've been there. It's nice that they were there for you though and truly trying to help you. I'm so glad you got to talk with them.