Waiting Again

So it's been a rather long week already. I'm waiting again, waiting to O, story of my life. I'm on CD19 and have been using those digital OPKs since CD15, absolutely nothing. My test line hasn't even been visible. This SUCKS!!! Ugh, I get my HSG done and get told that I have an increased chance of conceiving for the next month or two. Well that's just great, but it would help if I O'd, now wouldn't it. I have O'd for the past 3 months on my own, without any meds, so now that my chances are increased, my body goes on strike, perfect! So I'm not sure what the doctor's office is going to want me to do, do I keep on testing, or go ahead and get my Progesterone check, knowing that I haven't O'd.

I did get the chance this past Saturday to babysit one of Rob's cousins. He's 11months old and it was so much fun. Gosh, I thought it would make me sad, but if anything it just makes me more driven. I want this so badly, not just for me but for Rob too. I can tell it's really starting to take a toll on him too, but he does seem excited that we are finally with an RE. At first I think he was a little hesitant, maybe because it makes it more real for him, since he has to be more involved with everything now. We're still waiting on his S/A and Morph results. I'm praying they'll be fine.

*Update: RE phone consult scheduled for this Friday. I could have waited to see him face to face on October 28, or pay $100 for the phonecall. I chose the phonecall so I don't have to wait two more cycles to get started on a plan. Wish me luck!

Heck of a Week

So I'm a terrible blogger. I haven't been posting, haven't been commenting, I just haven't been doing much of anything. This weekend, AF showed her ugly face. I was expecting her. I did my BBT at the same time this entire cycle, so when my temp started plummetting, I knew she was coming. It was a little nice though, to know she was coming, and that there was no point wasting money on an f-ing PGT. There wasn't any point, so luckily I didn't put myself thru seeing yet another one line or "Not Pregnant" on a test.

Monday was just crap. I found out on Facebook that one of my college roomies died in a car accident. She was 26. She was a good college friend, was there when Rob proposed to me, and was there for our wedding. We've kept in touch online, but we weren't really close. It still makes me so sad though. She had so much going for her, she was sweet and smart and funny, and she shouldn't have died so young. I wanted to go to her funeral back in SC, but I can't get away since I'm taking two days off next week for my RE testing. I feel horrible about not going, but my mom was at least able to go to the visitation.

I decided on Tuesday after our marriage counseling session that I need to go back on antidepressants. The reason why I stopped was b/c of TTC. I just didn't want to risk birth defects, but right now the benefit of me being on them is highest on my list. My depression and anxiety have been at an all time high the past few months. I'm depressed more days than I'm ever happy, and even when I'm somewhat happy, the littlest thing will set me off spiraling down into a pit of despair. Yes, IF certainly hasn't helped, if anything it's made everything worse, but I know that even if I wasn't going thru IF, I would still need to be on something. Both my parents have it, my grandparents had it (they all died from alcoholism, except for one who died from dementia). It's in my genes and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm going thru mixed emotions about being on something. The NP that I saw specifically when thru the drug manual with me to try and find the safest one she could. I'm still just scared, but I'll probably talk to my RE and find out if he likes the one I'm on or if I need to switch.

My very first HSG and U/S will be next Tuesday. Rob's S/A and Morphology test is the same day. I'm scared, excited, and everything in between. I want to know what's wrong, I want to be PG within the next year, so I know I'm doing the right thing. This is it though, I'm with the big guys, there's no other steps, besides adoption. And unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to adopt for many many years, with as much as it costs. I know that we could always try foster care or do adoption thru the state, but I can't let myself go there just yet. Until we've tried everything within reason financially, I'm not giving up.

1st RE Appt

So I just had my first RE Appt today with Rob, and it went exactly like I expected it to. We went over all of our history and he agreed with me that Clomid was out of the question again, which I am very happy about. Once AF comes this next time, which should be any day, I'll be calling and setting up:
1. HSG
2. U/S
3. Rob's S/A and Morphology Test
4. Progesterone Check (7days after O)

I'm excited about finally getting to the bottom of everything. He thinks our first treatment will be either Letrozole or Menopur. So on to waiting for AF and then setting up all the tests. Hopefully we'll be able to schedule them all on the same day, so we won't have to miss too much work to drive down to Jacksonville.

BBT Chart

So this month I've been religiously taking my BBT at 6:30am every morning, and then going back to sleep again until I have to get up for school. So far since CD19 when I ovulated, my temps haven't risen all that much. I know that doesn't count me out completely, but all the other Hypothyroid, PG, charts I've looked at, their BBT rise at least 0.5 degrees past their O temp and keep rising. Mine has risen then dropped slightly, risen again then dropped slightly. Maybe a 0.2 degree difference, the highest temp I recorded was 98.0, my O temp was 97.45, but that was 2DPO. I'm now 5DPO and my temp this morning was 97.69. Blah. I haven't lost hope yet, but unless my temp starts magically increasing, the odds don't look all that good.

I have my very first RE appt next Wed, which will be 12DPO. I'm thinking of testing on 11DPO, and if it's positive then I'll still be able to cancel my RE appt without getting a penalty fee. But if my temps don't start rising, I'm not going to even waste the test, and I'll just go ahead to the appt. SIGH...... If only it were simpler.

Infertility Bible Study by Sarah's Laughter

A few months ago Katie (a friend from BBC) posted the link to Sarah's Laughter http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/. It's an Christian infertility support center based out of Baton Rouge. I decided a few days ago to send them a prayer request. Well the owner of the center sent me an email back that her prayer team was praying for me, but also asked if I would like a copy of her Infertility Bible Study for free. I said yes and I got the book in the mail today. I started crying going thru the book, it was everything I needed and more. It has 8 weekly bible study sessions, work sheets, and she even included a key ring of index cards with the printed bible verses that correspond to the studies. I looked on the website and they are offering it for $10. If she hadn't given it to me for free, I certainly would have paid the money. You can go to the website above and buy the book, or if you want you can try and email Beth and see if she'll send you one for free. beth@sarahs-laughter.com.

While I was reading thru the book it hit me about what God wants me to do. I know I'm not ready for this yet, but I think once I am I'm going to talk to my pastor at church and see if I can get an Infertility Bible Study Group going using this book. Our church has over 2000 members, and I know that more than just me is going thru or has gone thru infertility. Who knows what the weeks will bring; I'm hoping some peace of mind and maybe my faith back.

The Elusive Smiley Face

So I did my normal morning routine and OPK'd, and to my absolute joy I saw a big beautiful smiley face staring back at me. I know most people don't get excited about Oing, but for me it's huge. The past 3 months I have O'd on my own without the use of any fertility meds. I took Clomid for about 8 months and only ovulated 3 of those months. It's the beginning of another long 2ww (Cycle #27), but at least I know I can have a 2ww. That little bit of hope has come back, maybe just maybe this will be my time and I can cancel that RE appt for Sept 9. Wouldn't that be something?

Reliving the Past

I just wanted to start by saying thanks to everyone who commented. It meant alot to read everyone's words of encouragement.

We had our second marriage counseling appt this morning. I still really believe we've found the right place. The last counselor that I went to by myself, I never truly felt comfortable with her. I don't know if it was the place or just a vibe from her, but it just didn't feel right. It's totally different with this psych. Maybe it's because Rob is there right beside me, and I have him for support, or maybe it's because I feel like she can finally explain to Rob what it's been like for me these past two years. For now she thinks that because I'm under so much stress, that my body just isn't ready to be PG. She said that I'm at a such high state of anxiety and stress all the time, because of the pressure I'm putting on myself, but also because of some issues I haven't fully dealt with, that it's no wonder I'm not PG. I do believe most of what she said, but I also believe that there's something physically, not just emotionally that's hindering us from getting PG, and I don't think it's just that I'm hypothyroid. My gut is telling me that finally making an appt with an RE after 2 years is the right thing to do. For now, our task for the week is for me to talk to Rob about something that happened about 3 years ago, that I've never fully dealt with.

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a Vet. I studied my butt off during high school and college so that my grades would be high enough to be accepted. I was offered positions at 7 different vet schools around the country right after undergrad. We got married that summer, after Rob graduated undergrad, and moved to Mississippi so I could attend MSU Vet School. My first year was crazy. We hardly ever saw each other b/c I was either in class or studying non-stop at the school. I got thru my first semester with a 4.0 and my second with a 3.6. At the end of the year, I was called by one of the Deans and told that a student had accused me of cheating on an exam, basically that I had looked at another student's paper. It's was completely false, but at the first hearing, I knew everyone in the room already thought I was guilty. We ended up hiring a lawyer and I got my record expunged basically on a legal technicality that the school didn't follow. The damage was already done though. Everyone, I mean everyone, teachers and students knew what had happened. I would walk into a room and people would stop talking and just look at me. Everyone thought I had gotten off and that I was just a cheater who got away with it. Now for someone who was already battling depression, you can imagine what all of this did to me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I stopped studying, I just fell apart.

And then two months into my second year, a professor who was on one of the committees that found me guilty, brought another charge against me. She claimed that I had tried to change an answer on a test. I knew that it was over for me at the school and that I would never be able to finish without either a student or prof trying to get me kicked out. It was the last draw. Rob and I decided it was best for me to just withdraw from school, so I did. It just wasn't worth fighting again, hiring another lawyer, because no matter what I did, someone was going to try and find something wrong with me or something I did. I was devestated, and it's something I think about everyday. 3 years later I still cry when I talk about it, I get that knot in my stomach and the pain of all of it just comes back.

I'm lucky though. I decided to apply to Florida State's PhD program in Neuroscience, almost immediately after leaving vet school. I was accepted and got a full-ride, including a stipend. So basically I'm getting paid to go to school and get a PhD. I'm happy here and I know I'm probably doing what I was meant to do (research), but everything that happened those years ago still haunts me. I just can't seem to get passed it. Maybe it's because all of the friends I made just graduated in May and they all have jobs as vets now, and I'm still in school.

So my task for this week is to talk to Rob about everything that happened with the vet school saga and what still upsets me about it. I'm not looking forward to rehashing it, but I know it's something I've got to do to finally get over it and accept that it happened for a reason. Our pysch believes that if I can let go of some of the stress and anxiety and anger I still feel about what happened, I might be able to move on and start finally being truly happy in the present. It's a start and I know it's something that will probably help me greatly in the long run. We have our next appt on Monday.