Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Heck of a Week

So I'm a terrible blogger. I haven't been posting, haven't been commenting, I just haven't been doing much of anything. This weekend, AF showed her ugly face. I was expecting her. I did my BBT at the same time this entire cycle, so when my temp started plummetting, I knew she was coming. It was a little nice though, to know she was coming, and that there was no point wasting money on an f-ing PGT. There wasn't any point, so luckily I didn't put myself thru seeing yet another one line or "Not Pregnant" on a test.

Monday was just crap. I found out on Facebook that one of my college roomies died in a car accident. She was 26. She was a good college friend, was there when Rob proposed to me, and was there for our wedding. We've kept in touch online, but we weren't really close. It still makes me so sad though. She had so much going for her, she was sweet and smart and funny, and she shouldn't have died so young. I wanted to go to her funeral back in SC, but I can't get away since I'm taking two days off next week for my RE testing. I feel horrible about not going, but my mom was at least able to go to the visitation.

I decided on Tuesday after our marriage counseling session that I need to go back on antidepressants. The reason why I stopped was b/c of TTC. I just didn't want to risk birth defects, but right now the benefit of me being on them is highest on my list. My depression and anxiety have been at an all time high the past few months. I'm depressed more days than I'm ever happy, and even when I'm somewhat happy, the littlest thing will set me off spiraling down into a pit of despair. Yes, IF certainly hasn't helped, if anything it's made everything worse, but I know that even if I wasn't going thru IF, I would still need to be on something. Both my parents have it, my grandparents had it (they all died from alcoholism, except for one who died from dementia). It's in my genes and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm going thru mixed emotions about being on something. The NP that I saw specifically when thru the drug manual with me to try and find the safest one she could. I'm still just scared, but I'll probably talk to my RE and find out if he likes the one I'm on or if I need to switch.

My very first HSG and U/S will be next Tuesday. Rob's S/A and Morphology test is the same day. I'm scared, excited, and everything in between. I want to know what's wrong, I want to be PG within the next year, so I know I'm doing the right thing. This is it though, I'm with the big guys, there's no other steps, besides adoption. And unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to adopt for many many years, with as much as it costs. I know that we could always try foster care or do adoption thru the state, but I can't let myself go there just yet. Until we've tried everything within reason financially, I'm not giving up.

13 comments:

  1. Boo to AF. I'm sorry she showed up yet again. The story about your friend breaks my heart. I lost a good friend in a car accident. He was 28, so I know how shocking it is when a young and valuable life is lost. I'm so sorry. Even if you couldn't make it to the service, you can still honor her by sharing memories of her. Hugs.

    I think going back on Antidepressants is a good idea, if you've been having a hard time. Have you ever read Dooce? She has pretty severe depression and anxiety and she stayed on AD while she was pregnant, due to the postpartum depression she had with her first pregnancy. I bet if you went through her archives you could find how she was able to stay on them during her pregnancy.

    Yay for testing!!! I know it must feel really great to get started. Please keep us updated!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Melissa, I am so sorry about your friend from college. That is just tragic.

    I'm glad to hear that you have decided to go back on anti-depressants. From everything I've read, there do seem to be some that are considered safe during pregnancy and breast feeding. I'm sure this is probably what your doctor said to you, but healthy mom= healthy baby, so take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough go right now. It is so hard when it feels like nothing happy is going on. I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

    I think the antidepressants will really help you out. Some of them are safe during pregnancy, so you should see if you can find one that you would be able to take if you did get pg.

    I hope things start to look up for you soon.

    *Big hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  4. *hugs* I'm sorry you have been having a tough time between af, your friend, and depression. That is so sad about your friend. I hope things get better for you soon. Good luck on the testing!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am sorry it's been so rough. I went through a nasty bout with depression when dealing with IF and went on ADs to help. I hope the testing brings you some answers and some success int he coming year.

    ~ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm so sorry about your friend, & everything else that's happening. Good luck with the testing though - fingers crossed that it all works perfectly for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What a horrible week. I have had weeks like those too. I am sorry about your friend, that is such a loss. I hope your testing goes well and a BFP is on it's way soon.

    Have a good week.


    ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi there,

    I am sorry you have been on such a roller coast ride, and send lots of hugs. There's adoption, and there's also surrogacy...

    ReplyDelete
  9. So sorry for the loss of your friend, and your emotional challenges. Sometimes i wonder which came first ... the depression or the IF? They certainly are close cousins.

    Best of luck to you with your new RE. You've got youth on your side, my dear... :-)

    Happy ICLW to you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sorry to hear about your friend. And sorry about your depression, I hope your doc and RE can figure out what meds will work for you. I've been there and it's a very dark place :-(

    Best of luck to you and Happy ICLW!

    ReplyDelete
  11. So sorry about your friend's death and AF showing. Seems like you're having a very tough time right now. I pray you can get on a medication your RE thinks is okay and that helps you out. Good luck with your upcoming appointment!

    ReplyDelete
  12. So sorry you had a rough week. Hoping this week is better for you!!

    ICLW

    ReplyDelete