So I'm a terrible blogger. I haven't been posting, haven't been commenting, I just haven't been doing much of anything. This weekend, AF showed her ugly face. I was expecting her. I did my BBT at the same time this entire cycle, so when my temp started plummetting, I knew she was coming. It was a little nice though, to know she was coming, and that there was no point wasting money on an f-ing PGT. There wasn't any point, so luckily I didn't put myself thru seeing yet another one line or "Not Pregnant" on a test.
Monday was just crap. I found out on Facebook that one of my college roomies died in a car accident. She was 26. She was a good college friend, was there when Rob proposed to me, and was there for our wedding. We've kept in touch online, but we weren't really close. It still makes me so sad though. She had so much going for her, she was sweet and smart and funny, and she shouldn't have died so young. I wanted to go to her funeral back in SC, but I can't get away since I'm taking two days off next week for my RE testing. I feel horrible about not going, but my mom was at least able to go to the visitation.
I decided on Tuesday after our marriage counseling session that I need to go back on antidepressants. The reason why I stopped was b/c of TTC. I just didn't want to risk birth defects, but right now the benefit of me being on them is highest on my list. My depression and anxiety have been at an all time high the past few months. I'm depressed more days than I'm ever happy, and even when I'm somewhat happy, the littlest thing will set me off spiraling down into a pit of despair. Yes, IF certainly hasn't helped, if anything it's made everything worse, but I know that even if I wasn't going thru IF, I would still need to be on something. Both my parents have it, my grandparents had it (they all died from alcoholism, except for one who died from dementia). It's in my genes and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm going thru mixed emotions about being on something. The NP that I saw specifically when thru the drug manual with me to try and find the safest one she could. I'm still just scared, but I'll probably talk to my RE and find out if he likes the one I'm on or if I need to switch.
My very first HSG and U/S will be next Tuesday. Rob's S/A and Morphology test is the same day. I'm scared, excited, and everything in between. I want to know what's wrong, I want to be PG within the next year, so I know I'm doing the right thing. This is it though, I'm with the big guys, there's no other steps, besides adoption. And unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to adopt for many many years, with as much as it costs. I know that we could always try foster care or do adoption thru the state, but I can't let myself go there just yet. Until we've tried everything within reason financially, I'm not giving up.