Lonely

Today for some reason I'm feeling more lonely that usual. I just wish IRL there was someone who understood exactly how I felt month after month. Someone whose been thru IF and gotten thru it. Someone I can run to when I'm excited about Oing, someone I can cry to when I'm devestated again with another BFN, someone who will not look at me like I'm crazy when I'm spilling my heart out. There's always Rob, and he'll always be there for me for the rest of my life. But he's helpless when it comes to comforting me about IF. He doesn't get it, he doesn't have to endure the countless doctor's visits, the countless pills, the countless bloodwork. He tries to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, but he just can't right now. I've tried talking to several of my IRL friends, and each and every one them brushes me off. I know a real friend wouldn't do this, they would listen no matter what I said and find some way to say something that might help. Instead my IRL friends, change the subject, or just tell me to "be patient, stop trying so hard, maybe it's not the right time." All things that break my heart even more.

I used to talk to my classmate about it and she at least listened, now she's PG due in October, and can't possibly help me right now. I saw her the other day and she's huge. It was all I could do to look at her eyes or the floor, anything but her growing belly. She asked me how things were, I told her about my latest doctor's visit, and then she changed the subject about how big she feels. I couldn't get away fast enough. Writing things down and chatting online only go so far, they help and I'm so greatful to at least have this, but sometimes I just wish there was someone there for me who I could talk to face to face. Yes, there's my counselor, but come one she's a professional. She's never been thru it. At least she knows not to tell me to "be patient, stop trying so hard, and maybe it's not the right time." I think I'm going to make Wed my last appt for a little while, I think I've exhausted that avenue for now. It's just money I could be spending on my medical bills. I'll get over this, I know. It's something alot of IFers go thru; just wish it was different.

I'm making myself crazy with thinking the twinges of pain I've had only on my R side (the side I O'd on) are PG symptoms. I'm trying to forget, trying so hard to keep busy, but that little bit of hope has crept back into my life. Maybe, just maybe, this is the time. If AF hasn't come by Sat (14dpo, CD40), I might test, we'll see.

You Can Take Your Sandwich and Shove It!

Since, I'm trying not to think about whether I am or am not PG, I've tried to keep busy with labwork and exercising. I'm super excited to report that since May 15 I've lost 12lbs. My goal is to lose another 10-15lbs, and hopefully by this time when I'm in great shape, get PG, and gain it all back. That's my dream anyway.

So today for dinner I had a spinach salad and a yogurt. Not the greatest dinner in the world, but healthy. Rob got home at 9:00pm and expected me to have dinner ready for him. I'm not a cook, don't pretend to be a cook, and hate cooking. He thinks this will all change once I get PG and we have kids. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Anyway, we had shopping we had to get done and he got pissed saying, he didn't want to cook for himself. He asks if we can go out to eat, always a fall-back for him. I said no, we need to cut back on going out. What does he do, pulls into Chick-Fil-A and grabs a sandwich. Are you kidding me? He then proceeds to eat it in front of me, just to piss me off. And the greatest thing of all, he can eat like this and still lose weight. He's lost more than me and has exercised less, and eaten more junk food that I wish I could eat. It is so unfair. Why do men get it easy when it comes to losing weight?

On another note, I'm psyching myself out thinking I'm cramping. Weird cramping, not AF cramping. I'm CD32, but only 7dpo, approximately. I'm going to try and wait to test in another week. Here's hoping this is my month.

Another 2WW and Basement Renter

So I got my miracle for the month, hopefully not the last one, I O'd on my own, without meds. Even though it was CD26, it's not surprising since my "normal" cycles have always run b/t 35 and 40 days. I'm going to try and keep busy this time, focus on working in the lab and working out. I won't go as far as to say I'm hopeful, but I feel a little hope slowly seeping back into me. I have a chance this month, and that's better than none.

On a happy note, we found a grad student to rent out our basement bedroom. She studies alot, and is in the lab most of the day (certainly more than I am). She loves boardgames, which is always a plus and she's engaged to a guy in the coast guard, so she won't be having any late-nite guests, at all hours, like our previous tenants. I know she'll pay on time, especially since her fiance already wrote us a check for a month's rent in advance as a deposit. When she moves in at the end of August she'll pay for another month's rent. She wants to sign a year lease, which is a blessing, b/c that means more money that we can save each month to go towards medical bills or a baby (see trying to think positive). It's a step in the right direction for us, and that's all I can ask for.

Just Waiting

Why is it that it always feels like I'm waiting for something? Waiting to hear back results from a doctor, waiting to find out if I O'd, waiting to find out if I got my BFP. It's always a waiting game, and I have no patience for it. People keep telling me be patient, be patient. I am not a patient person, and waiting for something like this doesn't just magically make me patient. In fact this whole IF struggle has made me very impatient. I still haven't gotten any calls from my new doc in SC about all the labwork that had to be redone. I still get angry every time I think about it. I took a week off from work, had to spend four days with my parents, who drive me nuts, and to top it off, the doctor's office screws up my labwork. WTF? IF is hard enough as it is, but to deal with doctor's who don't seem to understand the importance of everything being done, is just beyond me.

P.S- God just give me one more glimmer of hope, please let me O. At this point O'ing is about as good as it gets for me.

Side Note: CONGRATS KATIE!!! (Notice my "3" exclamation points. I'm still pulling for multiples.)

Losing Faith

I'm losing my faith. My faith in miracles. My faith in doctors. My faith in God. I know this entire IF struggle is my test of faith and I'm losing it, but even though I've acknowledged that this is what is happening, I still don't feel any better and I still don't feel any closer to giving up control of getting PG to God. I know what happened with my new doctor screwing up on my labwork, is just another bump in my IF road, it seems like another wall to me. It's another wall I just want to beat my head upon and lay down in front of. I'm down now and I'll be up again soon, but it seems like the down days are far greater that the up days. I can't do anymore testing because I would have to pay for everything out of pocket. I can't do IUI or IVF because I don't have the money to do it b/c our insurance won't cover a penny. Everything we are saving right now is in case Rob loses his job. We won't know for a few more weeks if he even has one. He's been there a few years and he's done well, but there are no guarantees in today's job market. Anything could happen and I have to be prepared for it, if it does happen. I just want a break in the clouds, just a little sun to make me believe again.

Angry Again, Trying to Vent

I don't know why, but today was not a good day. I'm angry again and I took it out on Rob, again. Why can't I just take my anger elsewhere instead of home to him. He gets all of it and I mean all of it. I feel horrible afterwards of course, but in the heat of the moment yelling and being angry with him is the closest thing in front of me. I've gotta work on this. I know what tipped me off today was the fact that I found out about another PGer. I'm just so sick of the month passing by. I was hoping and praying for a baby in 09, that's certainly long gone, now it's just to get PG in 09. In October we will reach our 2 and 1/2 years TTC mark. That is so freakin' depressing. Why am I looking that far ahead, because it's in the back of my mind. I count the months as they go by. I tried to take some of my frustration out by cleaning, not my favorite thing to do, but I tend to do a better job when I'm pissed off. My mood swings have been horrible lately, not sure why though. I called my new doc in SC to confirm my appt for next Wed, and they still haven't called me back about whether all my tests results have come in. It's supposed to be a follow-up appt, so if I'm driving all the way there, they better have their act together. I mean it's been 2 months since I got all my testing done, that's plenty of time to get results back, especially on bloodwork. I'm telling myself that if something were really wrong, they would have called and told me about it (no news is good news, I guess.) I'm not looking forward to the drive or staying with my parents. My mom drives me absolutely nuts. She knows about all of our IF issues and she loves to remind me that it's not the right time, I need to finish school, I need to get my thyroid regulated. She doesn't support our decision to start a family at all, and it hurts. I just don't talk to her about it anymore as a precaution. My in-laws are completely different. In fact when we went to see them on the 4th my MIL was sewing on a baby blanket she's been working on. Thanks for the reminder!! I know she means well, but she has no clue that it breaks my heart everytime I see that blanket, because the negative person in me is saying this will be a blanket for Rob's brother's child. With my luck, they'll get PG first and have the first grandchild. I hate being like this, but it's a routine I'm stuck in. I was supposed to have made some break-throughs with my counselor, but talking about it and doing it are two different things. I get so depressed and just plain sad, that no matter how much I talk about what needs to be changed, I just can't sometimes. I just want a child so desperately. In early October, my PG classmate will have her little girl, will I be PG by then? That's my one hope.

Vacation Way Too Short

So I got back from our trip to Tampa a little while ago. The house smelled like 'animal', which could only mean the dogs probably crapped and peed in the kitchen and our neighbors just didn't clean it up all the way. There were medical bills piled up on the kitchen table, what else did I expect to see when I got home. We spent way too much money on the trip, but we got some nice clothes. We certainly won't be going anywhere else anytime soon, or even going out to eat again for a very long time. I hate coming back from vacation and having reality slap you in the face as a 'welcome home.' I just want to go anywhere else, but here. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do chores, I don't want to pay bills, but I have to. I'm starting to get sad again, the only reason why we went on this trip was so I could forget about TTC, which I did. But coming back and having to pay bills and realize how much we actually spent, and that I had wanted to spend that money on maternity clothes or a baby, just makes me sad. I don't know what will happen this month, if I'll even ovulate. I really hope I do. I just want a chance, b/c a 0% chance is too hard to take.