Saturday, July 18, 2009

Losing Faith

I'm losing my faith. My faith in miracles. My faith in doctors. My faith in God. I know this entire IF struggle is my test of faith and I'm losing it, but even though I've acknowledged that this is what is happening, I still don't feel any better and I still don't feel any closer to giving up control of getting PG to God. I know what happened with my new doctor screwing up on my labwork, is just another bump in my IF road, it seems like another wall to me. It's another wall I just want to beat my head upon and lay down in front of. I'm down now and I'll be up again soon, but it seems like the down days are far greater that the up days. I can't do anymore testing because I would have to pay for everything out of pocket. I can't do IUI or IVF because I don't have the money to do it b/c our insurance won't cover a penny. Everything we are saving right now is in case Rob loses his job. We won't know for a few more weeks if he even has one. He's been there a few years and he's done well, but there are no guarantees in today's job market. Anything could happen and I have to be prepared for it, if it does happen. I just want a break in the clouds, just a little sun to make me believe again.

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