Thursday, July 9, 2009

Angry Again, Trying to Vent

I don't know why, but today was not a good day. I'm angry again and I took it out on Rob, again. Why can't I just take my anger elsewhere instead of home to him. He gets all of it and I mean all of it. I feel horrible afterwards of course, but in the heat of the moment yelling and being angry with him is the closest thing in front of me. I've gotta work on this. I know what tipped me off today was the fact that I found out about another PGer. I'm just so sick of the month passing by. I was hoping and praying for a baby in 09, that's certainly long gone, now it's just to get PG in 09. In October we will reach our 2 and 1/2 years TTC mark. That is so freakin' depressing. Why am I looking that far ahead, because it's in the back of my mind. I count the months as they go by. I tried to take some of my frustration out by cleaning, not my favorite thing to do, but I tend to do a better job when I'm pissed off. My mood swings have been horrible lately, not sure why though. I called my new doc in SC to confirm my appt for next Wed, and they still haven't called me back about whether all my tests results have come in. It's supposed to be a follow-up appt, so if I'm driving all the way there, they better have their act together. I mean it's been 2 months since I got all my testing done, that's plenty of time to get results back, especially on bloodwork. I'm telling myself that if something were really wrong, they would have called and told me about it (no news is good news, I guess.) I'm not looking forward to the drive or staying with my parents. My mom drives me absolutely nuts. She knows about all of our IF issues and she loves to remind me that it's not the right time, I need to finish school, I need to get my thyroid regulated. She doesn't support our decision to start a family at all, and it hurts. I just don't talk to her about it anymore as a precaution. My in-laws are completely different. In fact when we went to see them on the 4th my MIL was sewing on a baby blanket she's been working on. Thanks for the reminder!! I know she means well, but she has no clue that it breaks my heart everytime I see that blanket, because the negative person in me is saying this will be a blanket for Rob's brother's child. With my luck, they'll get PG first and have the first grandchild. I hate being like this, but it's a routine I'm stuck in. I was supposed to have made some break-throughs with my counselor, but talking about it and doing it are two different things. I get so depressed and just plain sad, that no matter how much I talk about what needs to be changed, I just can't sometimes. I just want a child so desperately. In early October, my PG classmate will have her little girl, will I be PG by then? That's my one hope.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Melissa - I am so sorry. I know how you feel. Certain anniversaries just loom in front of us and are made exponentially worse by the circumstances surrounding that date. It never seems to get any easier, does it?
    I am so sorry that your Mom doesn't understand what having a child means to you. It is so frustrating when our own mother's just don't seem to understand that maternal longing that we have or the pain that the IF causes us. I think that Katie and I can both attest to this in some form or fashion. My heart goes out to you.
    Having the MIL making the blanket has got to be tough too. My grandmother makes these little blankets and not too long ago, she mentioned that she was making one for me for a future child. It broke my heart. I found myself wondering if I would ever get that I can completely understand where you are coming from, just a generation further out.
    I hope you are feeling better soon. HUGS!