Standstill

So I thought I would be happy about seeing my GYN, that I would feel like things were moving forward, but I don't. I'm ovulating, great, I'm still not PG, but my doctor seems to like pointing out that my Progesterone was great, I should have been PG. I'm sorry, but that doesn't make me feel better. So he wants me to stay on Clomid. I hate the way it makes me feel. I've gained so much weight, I've been on a diet for weeks, but nothing is working. I get hot flashes all of the time. I want to cry every 5 seconds. So how am I supposed to get PG when I feel like this? We may miss our opportunity this month b/c I'm going to be at the beach for a much needed break, I'm sad about it, but in the end I realize it probably wouldn't have happened this month either. I won't be able to see the doctor in SC til May 21, and even after that it could be months, if not longer before I'm regulated. I don't feel like this is going to end anytime soon. I guess my goal is to just get PG in 09'. I don't care when, as long as it happens.

Not So Good

So AF lasted only 2 days for me this month. Not good, not good at all. It more than likely means I'm getting a thinner lining, which certainly woundn't be conducive to getting PG. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the doctor says in the morning. I'm thinking it might be time to get off Clomid, it's been 7 months already. Besides I think I might be doing more harm now. This sucks.

A Little Better

So I'm feeling a little better about things today. I haven't had much time to dwell on my BFN b/c I've been so busy. I have an appointment on Friday with my GYN, who I really love, so we'll see what he says. Luckily the insurance department said they would work with me on payments since they still don't take my insurance at this clinic, so that is certainly a small blessing. Gearing up for a crazy last week of classes. 3 days to go...

Worst Day By Far

So Rob's Alltel store was robbed at gunpoint today. Rob got home ok, he was really late though, so I was worried about that. Evidently 2 armed men came in to the store around 5pm. One had a black ski mask, the other just had a white t-shirt wrapped around their head. They told everyone to get on the floor and give them all their money. Rob and one other teller immediately pressed the silent alarm. Everyone (including 12 customers) got on the floor. Rob and three other tellers opened their drawers and laid them out for the guys to take. Rob specifically touched only a portion of the drawer so the guys hopefully could leave fingerprints. The men pointed their guns at two of the women employees. Evidently when one of the men stuck the gun to the back of one of the women, Rob said if he had tried anything he had planned to try and tackle him b/c his back was turned. That scared me more than anything, b/c he was willing to risk his life to save his co-worker. It would have been extremely noble, but I'm sorry I want my husband around. After the guys left with only about $600, Rob immediately locked the front door and told everyone to get to the back of the store. All of this happened in the span of about 1 minute, based on the surveillance tapes. If the police had gotten there 30 seconds or so earlier, they might have been caught. But I look at it as good the cops didn't get there sooner, in some aspects, b/c the robbers may have acted differently and someone could have been shot. Rob hasn't gotten upset about it at all. He's actually been cracking jokes with his other co-workers, which has me really concerned. It wasn't a laughing matter. He could have been killed. I'm so upset right now. But I guess this is his way of dealing with it, trying to make it out to be less than it really was. He has to go to a mandatory counseling session at 10am on Sunday, which I think will be good. This was the absolute last thing I thought would happen.

Oh and to top it off b/c I was so freaked out about everything, I tested early and of course got a BFN. So I'm not holding out any hope. And another topper, Rob's store will be closing, and there will be more lay-offs. So there's my 3 shitty things for the month.

And here I was thinking things were actually going well, boy was I wrong.

Progesterone Check and Psychic Prediction

So I got my Prog results today, only 11, not that great. I also went in 2 days later than I normally do, but if I was PG I would think my Progesterone levels would be increasing, not decreasing. So we'll see, it's not over til AF comes.

I also did the free psychic reading from Cheri22 and this is what I got sent today, hoping she's right!!

Hi Melissa, Is it possible that you are pg right now and perhaps too early to test? Like in the two week wait period or even just about to ovulate"? they show an APRIL and girl connection so this is either birth month, concieve month or the month you find out in. Let me know if you have any questions. Best Wishes, Cheri

Reconciliation with PG Friend

So in class this morning, my PG friend decided to sit in front of me like she used to. We chatted a little bit back and forth, but after class we talked for a while. I was actually ok with asking how things were progressing and when her due date was. She asked alot about me and how things were going, so that made me feel alot better. I'm not completely over the fact that she is PG and will be showing soon, but I'm getting there. So all in all, not a bad day, other than I'm still at work, and I can't wait to go home.

PG Friend at Lab

So I was thinking that when I go to the lab to get my bloodwork done, I wouldn't have to worry about running into PG people I know. Not so today. I ran into my PG friend whose been avoiding me ever since she told me. She and two other PGers who happened to be the only other ones there, were talking none stop about symptoms and the joys of their U/S. It was absolute torture. She said hi and that she was getting b/w done, well duh, I kinda figured as much. We got called back at the same time, but to different nurses. I was in and out and when I was leaving I went by where she was waiting, and she was like, "Well, that was quick." And I said, "Well I'm used to it." and I sped away. I just couldn't face her, it hurts too much right now. She's already starting to show, which means she's probably due in Sept or Oct. Why does this effect me so much?

Progesterone Check DPO10

So I'm going in to get my Prog check for this cycle, hopefully it will be good. I know I ovulated b/c I got 2+OPKs in a row. I'm only 10 days PO, so hoping AF stays very far away. I'll know by next week probably. I think I'm just going to wait to test on Monday the 20th, that would be CD32, DPO15. If AF comes before then I may test anyway. KMFC that this is my last cycle TTC.

New Endocrinologist Appt in May

So I got a call from the new Endo in SC that I'm trying to see. I have an appt set up for May 21, which I'm really looking forward to. They evidently make you see an NP historian, to get all your family history and symptoms for like 2 hours, then you finally see the doctor for about an hour. Only really bad thing, is I have to pay out of pocket b/c he doesn't take any insurance, you have to turn in your own claims. So just to go see him will cost $395 up front a week before my appt. Ugh, but if he can get me well, which could allow me to get PG without having to do IUI or IVF, I'll do it, hands down.

Some Good News About Insurance

So I called my current GYN and asked if they took my new insurance. The lady in insurance said they are currently in negotiations with my insurance company to start coverage, hopefully by May 1. So I'll call again on the 21st and see what the deal is. Then I may just have to reschedule my appt until after they pick up my company. That would be such a relief if I didn't have to switch doctors again.

As far as school is concerned, I'm still in the midst of changing from Neuroscience to BioMedical. I have a meeting with both department heads to smooth things out, but it looks like it may happen. I'm hoping things will be done by this summer and then I can keep going with my research. So overall, not a bad start to the day.

Insurance BS

So my Easter was going just fine, until I decided to look up the doctor's that are in my network for Rob's new insurance. And guess what, my doctor isn't covered. So now I have to think about switching again, just so I'll be covered and not have to pay out of pocket. I really really like my doctor now. He's understanding, funny, and just a really nice man. I don't know what to do. I'm going to call in the morning and check to see if maybe the internet just didn't show them in the network, but I'm not expecting much.

I feel like I move forward, only to get pushed back again. I hate this so much. Of course the doctor that I switched from is covered, even though she was so insensitive, I guess I may have to go back.

Trying To Be Optimistic, But Falling Short

I'm usually a very quiet, introverted person. I hate conflict, but I find myself surrounded by it since I began TTC. I have conflicting feelings and conflicting reactions. I'm normally happy and very friendly, but lately I find that my attitude is horrible. My fuse is much shorter and I get depressed so easily. I cry more than I've ever cried in my entire life and I've fought more with Rob than I ever have since I met him.



TTC is all consuming, but I know it's only because I'm letting it take over my life. It's hard to just forget about it or relax, as many people try so gently to put it. When you have to OPK and know when you're going to ovulate, you think about it. When you know what cycle day you're on, you think about it. When it's time to POAS, and you get another BFN, you think about it. I can't stop thinking about it. It's not like a light switch that can be turned On and Off. It doesn't work that way, because I have to know why. That's the issue here. I want to know why I can't get PG and why I may not be able to have kids of my own. Growing up an only child, all I ever thought about was how many kids I was going to have.



Another issue I have is trying not to get jealous of those who get PG so easily. I've never been a jealous person, but I find myself getting mad and upset when I found out someone else I know is PG. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but deep down I just want to go and cry alone in a corner somewhere. For those that went thru IF and got PG, I only have happiness. Why, because I know what they went thru to get there. I can't be jealous of that. It's the women that have never gone thru IF, and get PG so easily that I find myself getting upset over. It's stupid and childish, I know, but I can't help it. The feelings are there and they won't go away.



This past Christmas, Rob and I stopped going to our church. We were involved with a Sunday School group of young marrieds. Since TTC, I went thru 6 PGers, including all the baby showers. It got to the point where we were one of the only couples without kids. I felt like I was surrounded by it and that God was punishing me. We've decided to try and go back to church this weekend for Easter. I'm excited, but also apprehensive. They all knew about us, so I'm a little worried about what we may get asked. And then there's the fear that someone else will announce they are PG during class. The last few times we went, every single time, there was another PG announcement. It got to the point that I hated going, so that's why we stopped. I don't know, maybe if we start going again, I can try and work on all my anger issues. I can at least hope for that.



I'm on my 24th 2ww. I'm trying to keep as busy as possible, so that I don't have to think about it. But it's there in the back of my mind. Hopefully it will have a happy ending.