I'm usually a very quiet, introverted person. I hate conflict, but I find myself surrounded by it since I began TTC. I have conflicting feelings and conflicting reactions. I'm normally happy and very friendly, but lately I find that my attitude is horrible. My fuse is much shorter and I get depressed so easily. I cry more than I've ever cried in my entire life and I've fought more with Rob than I ever have since I met him.
TTC is all consuming, but I know it's only because I'm letting it take over my life. It's hard to just forget about it or relax, as many people try so gently to put it. When you have to OPK and know when you're going to ovulate, you think about it. When you know what cycle day you're on, you think about it. When it's time to POAS, and you get another BFN, you think about it. I can't stop thinking about it. It's not like a light switch that can be turned On and Off. It doesn't work that way, because I have to know why. That's the issue here. I want to know why I can't get PG and why I may not be able to have kids of my own. Growing up an only child, all I ever thought about was how many kids I was going to have.
Another issue I have is trying not to get jealous of those who get PG so easily. I've never been a jealous person, but I find myself getting mad and upset when I found out someone else I know is PG. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but deep down I just want to go and cry alone in a corner somewhere. For those that went thru IF and got PG, I only have happiness. Why, because I know what they went thru to get there. I can't be jealous of that. It's the women that have never gone thru IF, and get PG so easily that I find myself getting upset over. It's stupid and childish, I know, but I can't help it. The feelings are there and they won't go away.
This past Christmas, Rob and I stopped going to our church. We were involved with a Sunday School group of young marrieds. Since TTC, I went thru 6 PGers, including all the baby showers. It got to the point where we were one of the only couples without kids. I felt like I was surrounded by it and that God was punishing me. We've decided to try and go back to church this weekend for Easter. I'm excited, but also apprehensive. They all knew about us, so I'm a little worried about what we may get asked. And then there's the fear that someone else will announce they are PG during class. The last few times we went, every single time, there was another PG announcement. It got to the point that I hated going, so that's why we stopped. I don't know, maybe if we start going again, I can try and work on all my anger issues. I can at least hope for that.
I'm on my 24th 2ww. I'm trying to keep as busy as possible, so that I don't have to think about it. But it's there in the back of my mind. Hopefully it will have a happy ending.