Why Does It Seem Like Time Is Stopping?

Things have been going ok for me so far since the transfer. My bloating is slowly but surely going down. I am having some slight cramping each day, but I'm trying to not over analyze it. I just don't want to start down that road again. I've been trying to stay away from BBC this time because if I go on there like I usually do to see how everyone is, it keeps reminding me of my upcoming beta. I just kind of want to step back and not be reminded of it. I guess this is a way for me to protect myself from having an anxiety attack, which happened after my first fresh transfer. With my FET all I did was POAS for like 5 days straight 2x a day before my actual beta (I may be over-exaggerating, but only slightly). I guess I was just so excited to finally see 2 lines, a plus, or even that word I keep wanting to be associated with "Pregnant," I just kept testing. When I got my 2nd beta that hadn't even risen 10pts, my world fell apart again. I just don't want to put myself through that again. I blame myself for how starting that POAS train, I've got to stop myself from doing it this time. I need to keep telling myself that I am just throwing money away if I buy another HPT. No matter if I see a positive, my beta's are what matters. Next Wed just feels like such an eternity from now. Even though I'm trying to stay busy in the lab, I swear time just creeps by me. I really wonder if while going through the 2ww, our perception of time changes. Anyways, gotta get back to work and trying to not think about what I want to think about every waking minute.

And The Wait Begins....Again

So the transfer is complete! I had 1 Grade 1 Blast and 1 Grade 1 Stage 3 Morula transferred. I really wanted to do 3, but the RE's office won't allow it because of my age. They said that the most they would ever do is 2, because there's still a possibility that one of the embryos could split into identical twins. I was a little hesitant about this, but I understand that their top priority is getting you pregnant with one healthy baby that can be delivered at term. I just feel so blessed this time with how well our embryos did. I certainly credit the acupuncture, extra thyroid meds, and lots of prayer! I've tried to remain alot calmer this time and not stress out about what may or may not happen. I keep reminding myself everyday, "I will be pregnant and I will deliver a healthy baby."

Our latest freeze report showed that 8 embryos were frozen on Day 2, all good quality. As of yesterday morning we still had 10 embryos growing, which is absolutely amazing, considering last time at our FET after thawing and growing for 3 days, we had 2 surviving embryos out of 11. The Embryologist decided to let this second batch all reach Blast stage before freezing, so we'll get another report in the mail in the next week letting us know how many made it to freezing. If you add all of these up, miraculously there's 18 (including the 2 we transferred), not 17 like my nurse said for the Fert Report. So out of 20 eggs retrieved, we had 18 embryos even by Day 2. That's absolutely amazing. I am so very thankful, because I know that some have an extremely difficult time with producing alot of eggs. Now granted the recovery after the ER this time was hellish, I wouldn't trade the results for anything.

My first beta is set for October 6, which would be exactly 4w1d. I have exactly 1 pregnancy test in the house and I think I will use it on October 5. If I can stand it I may save it for the morning of my beta, but my will power probably won't last. Since I only did 3000 IU of HCG, it should actually already be out of my system. My RE gave me a low dose for both of my ER, I'm guessing b/c of the follicle count. It's going to be a very long week, but I'm going to try and stay as busy as possible with school. My professor and his wife have left for China for 3 weeks, so I've got to make the most of my time so that when they return I'll have lots of experimental data to show them. I finished another draft of my proposal and should get the OK to send it to my committee really soon. This is a huge milestone in itself for me, since it was my first attempt at writing a mock grant.

Thank you all for being so sweet to me during this IVF. It really means so much to me. Love to you all.

And Then There Were 17

I am such a horrible ICLWer. I apologize for not getting back to everyone and leaving an update. It's been really crazy since my ER and I've been having a really difficult recovery this time, nothing like my first one. Thank you everyone for all your kind words and encouragement.

So my ER on Tuesday went well. They retrieved 20 eggs. And yesterday we got the Fert Report saying we had 17 embryos. I'm really really thrilled with this. I just want one good one that stays strong and healthy and makes it to transfer on Sunday. We are probably going to freeze some today (Day 3) and let another batch grow til Sunday (Day 5). They'll transfer the best 2 or 3 and then if there are still some left, freeze those as well. At this point I'm just holding my breath, I don't have anything else to go on but what happened last time. The nurse assured me at this point that they looked really good and to not worry, but it's in my nature to worry. I feel so protective already over these embryos, I just want them to live above all.

The first two days after my ER were not good. I was in so much pain, I was popping codeine/tylenol like candy and it wasn't even touching it. I had such severe cramping yesterday morning that I started throwing up. I called the nurse hotline at like 6am and she told me just to take more pain pills and call if it didn't improve. The pills finally knocked me out and the cramping subsided. On top of all that, everything I'm on right now gives me dizziness, which in turn makes me nauseous. Sweet!! I'm still bloated like nobody's business too. It's going down a little at a time, but I'm concerned that I certainly have the makings of OHSS. My RE said that they will do a scan of my ovaries and make the call then if the transfer will be cancelled. I'm feeling somewhat better today which is a good sign.

Another lovely side-effect of all the meds and the anesthesia is constipation. I hadn't had a BM since Monday until yesterday morning. I went to my Acupuncturist for one last appt before my transfer and he did some points for this and the bloating. I couldn't believe it but right when I got home from the appointment I had the best BM I think I've ever had in my life. It was so cathartic, literally. I know this is a wonderful picture I'm painting for everyone, but I figure I talk about my ovaries, vagina, uterus, and everything else why not throw in the other end too?

Anywho, my MIL is coming in tonight to help out. Unfortunately Rob's wonderful company won't allow him to take any more time off, so they've got him scheduled to work 9 days straight. FU company I can't name!!! She'll take me to my transfer on Sunday and drive me home. I'm sad Rob can't be there, but I know he's supporting me another way, financially.

As far as school is concerned, I have my committee meeting set for October 22. EEEKKKK!! That means in less than a month I may find out if I'm graduating in May instead of in May 2012. This is going to be a big day. I'm nervous about it, but I know it's in God's hands and I'll be ok no matter what. I'm really going to miss my professor and his wife, they're like family to me, especially his wife. She's our lab coordinator and basically my mom at school. They both know about my IVF and have been really supportive, but more so she has. They're going to be gone for 3 weeks to go back to China to visit their families and son who still lives there. She told me to email her the minute I get my beta results and I certainly will.

Well, I'll let you know what time my transfer will be once I get the call from the nurse's today. Love to you all!

Retrieval Tuesday

Aaaahhhh, it's here the big retrieval! My u/s yesterday showed just as many huge follicles. My RE can't believe that even on a lower dose protocol I responded with even more follicles than last time. Unfortunately, I'm hyperstimming, of course, so he put me on meds for that like he did last time. He says he can't take the chance of something dangerous happening to me if I don't go on the meds, so I completely agreed with him. We don't know about the transfer yet, we are just going to have to wait until we get the Fert Report on Thursday morning. I'm pushing for a 5dt just b/c I would rather the embies grow now (fresh) and the not-so-good one's be weeded out before freezing. However, our RE told us that based on their stats, if they freeze the rest on Day 5, they have less success rates than if they freeze on Day 3 and then allow them to grow after the thaw. I just don't know, I trust my RE and the Embryologist, but I just have a feeling that watching the embies grow now and transferring the absolute best fresh, might give us a better shot. I'm also pushing for 3 this time, instead of just 2. Well, I've got alot of work to do today, but I'll try and post after my retrieval. Love to you all!

Pure Craziness

I'm such a bad blogger and friend, but I promise it's because of a good reason! Here's what's been going on these past few days.

IVF Update: So things are progressing really smoothly. Yesterday I had another U/S follicle check up and drumroll please .... I have 20 follicles ranging from 9-14mm on my Right ovary and about 10 follicles the same size on my Left. Kind of weird about my Left being half as responsive, but I read somewhere that sometimes you can have a dominant ovary. Every time I ever ovulated w/o meds it was usually on my R, I know this b/c I would always get O pains. So based on these results, looks like I could be hyperstimming yet again. Sweet! However, the best news is that my Acupuncture treatments seem to be helping with all the fluid retention. I was really huge and felt horrible on Monday, but by Wednesday after I had a treatment, most of my bloating was gone. Now mind you it's several days later and I'm feeling huge again, but it's a different kind of huge, mostly my abdomen is tighter and big, not so much bloated like it got last time. It hurts to really move around too much, so I'm trying not to walk around if I can help it. We are going back yet again on Sunday morning for another check up. If things look good and enough of the follicles are the right size, I will go ahead and trigger and my ER would be Tuesday. If my RE thinks I need another day of Stims, so some of the follies that are smaller can catch up, I would trigger Monday and ER would be Wednesday. I have no idea what the plans are for the actual Transfer, even as far as how many we might do this time. I will probably ask tomorrow and see what my RE says. I'm just praying that out of all the follicles there is ONE egg that becomes a strong healthy embryo that can be transferred and will live to become our child. I'm trying not to think about what happened last time and compare this cycle to it, but I can't help it. I'm trying my best to stay positive and tell myself that by adding Acupuncture and more vitamins to my regimen, that maybe things will be different.

Hypothyroid Test Results: Because I've been concerned that maybe my thyroid levels played a role in all the negative results we got last time, I had my levels rechecked. My TSH and T4 were perfect, but my T3 was on the "Low Normal" side of the normal range of values. My Endocrinologist was not happy with this and decided to double one of my thryoid meds. However, I asked her if this value could have played a role in any of the results from last time and she said she couldn't be sure. She did reassure me that since I've already started the new dose of my meds, that within a month or so my levels should be rising, evidently it's pretty fast-acting. This makes me feel better, but since I already started the stimming and lupron about 5 days before I started the double dose of meds, could my eggs already be affected by my low T3? I don't know and I don't think we'll know anything until we do the ER and get the Fert Report. Please just pray that I caught this early enough to maybe make a difference.

PhD and Graduation: So most of you know I'm in grad school getting my PhD in Neuroscience. Well a week ago, my professor told our lab that he was not offered tenure and was going to be losing his job in June 2011. So what effect does this have on me you might ask? It changes everything!!! I will be meeting with my committee on October 22 to present and defend my proposal and to discuss with them whether they think I have completed enough work to warrant allowing me to graduate in May 2011 with my professor. If they believe I need to do more work or that it would be in my best interest to join another lab for at least another year, then that means I will graduate when I already thought I would, in another 2 years. The program that I am in normally takes 5 years, I would be cutting it down to 4. So basically my work load has been tripled and I will be basically living in the lab for the next year. It would be a blessing if I could go ahead and graduate early. If you've paid attention to the timing of my IVF, if I get a BFP and it sticks, my due date will be June 2011. I truly believe this is God's way of preparing us for something huge. If I do graduate early then I will either try and find a post-doc position at FSU and stay here for another year or two, so we can sell our house and try and save some money up. (Post-docs receive 2X as much money as I do, and I wouldn't have to worry about paying student fees every semester!). If this doesn't work out then I will have to find a post-doc position or an actual job somewhere else. This would mean I would probably move and rent a place, while Rob stayed here in town to try and sell our house. This isn't the ideal situation, but whatever happens will be what God meant for us to do. Everything is going to work out. No matter what, I WILL get my degree. Luckily the department heads of my program have reassured me that I won't be left out in the rain b/c of what happened to my prof. I will be taken care b/c I had nothing to do with what happened to my prof.

So as you can see ALOT has happened in the past two weeks. God is certainly working in our lives right now. I'm looking forward to see what happens. Will let you all know how things progress! Love to you all!

Back In The Stirrups Again

Well my first U/S for this IVF was yesterday morning. It was an early drive at 4am and our appt was at 7. Things went just fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Our RE did look over my chart for a little while after he did my U/S. He didn't say much for a little while, then said something about you got 17 eggs, and did 2 transfers and have no embryos left, not very good values, blah blah. I was like I know, but maybe this time will be different. He said my protocol will change as far as my dosages for my stims. Instead of starting me out really high like last time and then me getting OHSS, we are going to go a little slower in the hopes that we still get enough eggs, but maybe better quality. I'm really wondering if the OHSS didn't have an effect on the quality or if maybe my stress during the whole cycle didn't contribute. I mean honestly, we've tested for EVERYTHING! I don't have any chromosomal issues, I don't have clotting disorders, my hormone levels were perfect, then WTH happened?? He can't say, other than quality is an issue. I really like my RE, he's super nice and very gentle when doing all the exams, but I guess I just wish he was more aggressive about trying something different or really looking into why things ended the way they did. I guess I'm just hoping that the acupuncture I'm doing will help and that if I don't get OHSS this time, maybe my eggs will be better. I know there is usually always some loss of embryos along the way for one reason or another, but I still can't help questioning how we ended up with so many and that each day we lost a few at a time. My next U/S is scheduled for Friday morning. Hopefully I'll have some nice follies on both sides beginning to appear.

Lupron

Well I've done 2 of about 20-something Lupron shots. But for the last week I've been sick with an upper respiratory infection that became laryngitis which in turn became a sinus infection. I am so lucky!! So the NP I went to gave me a z..pak but it didn't do anything, so now she wants me to take another antibiotic. Ugh, I'm kind of worried about what being on Abs while doing my suppression meds is going to do. Hopefully it will be ok, I mean they make you take an Ab before your ER, right? Anywho, not much else going on, just trying to get back in gear with school. I have a grant writing class this semester which is going to be alot of work, but it's certainly something that will be beneficial for me in the long haul. I have my first U/S on Tuesday morning and I start Stims that night, can't believe it's starting again.