NIAW and RE Consult

This week was NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week). A week for those of us that are going thru IF or have been thru IF. Finally we get the recognition that we deserve. Love to all my IF sisters, you know who you are.

Well, we had our RE consult on Wed and it went really well. Of course there's no way of knowing why the first transfer didn't work, but I'm dealing with it a little more each day. We've decided to thaw 6 embryos, allow them to grow to blast stage, then transfer back 3. If there are any remaining blasts they can re-freeze them for later use. If all goes well that would still leave 3 remaining frosties. In another week on CD21, I'll start Provera, so that my cycle won't be so long. The RE said he thought it would be just fine and probably save me having to wait another week or longer for AF to show. Once AF does show I'll start Vivelle patches for at least 13 days. On CD13 I will go in for B/W and an U/S to check my lining. Then they will go ahead and defrost the embies. If all goes well and AF doesn't show up late, we could have the FET as early as the end of May or early June. I'm getting excited again. I hate that I'm having to wait so long, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Trying To Feel Better

Well it's been exactly one week since we got the BFN news. I can say that I'm starting to feel better about it, but it's not something I can easily just forget. I had supposedly 2 healthy embies and neither stuck. How am I supposed to be ok with that? They didn't live inside of me, they didn't grow any further inside of me, everything that was supposed to happen didn't. I'm really anxious to see what our RE has to say at our consult next week. I've basically thought about what I want to do and it boils down to more bloodwork to make sure I don't have any clotting disorders which would prevent implantation and the fact that we WILL be transferring 3 frosties for our FET. Rob and I are both adamant that this happens. In all honesty we don't want to have to do this again, we want multiples, and we want to be able to move on with our lives. Yes, don't get me wrong, if we end up with just one healthy baby, I will be beyond thrilled, but that means I will still have to pay more money to go thru another FET (and spend more on meds again) and we would have to start TTC all over again if we wanted more children. I'm an only child and hated it growing up, Rob and I both want at least 2 children, of course I would love more than that, but it may just not happen for us. AF finally started on Monday, exactly 5 days after my last PIO shot. It's funny that after two days of not doing the shots, my hips and butt on both sides finally started hurting. So not only do I get to enjoy the loveliness of AF, I get an ever so fun reminder that I was doing shots not so long ago to try and keep a pregnancy that never happened. Perfect.

BFN IVF#1

Well the title sums it up. Beta was 0.7, not even a glimmer of hope. The more I think about it the more I think those lines I thought I saw were just evap lines. I would rather think that I was never PG than think that I was PG and then lost them. Of the 6 ladies on a BBC Board that went thru IVF or a FET at the same time I did, I was the only one that didn't get a BFP. Love those odds. Did my RE hold his tongue differently when he did the transfer? Was it because Rob wasn't there for the transfer? Why? I know I will never know, but I feel like I'm entitled to a little jealousy right now. Having feelings of anger and jealousy are easier for me to deal with at the moment than feeling completely helpless. I have to wait for AF to show in a few days and then wait an entire "natural" cycle before we can do anything else. I'm super pissed about that, and please don't tell me that it will give my body and mind time to heal, I've heard it many times before and it still pisses me off, so please spare me. And the lovely nurse who told me the news said if your next cycle doesn't come in 45 days you can call for some Provera, oh thanks, I really appreciate that. So unless my body decides to be nice to me this next month, I could be waiting another 50 days or longer, that's just perfect. I know you can all tell from this post that I'm pissed off, but at this point this is my coping mechanism. I get angry, I've cried all I can cry, there aren't anymore tears left at least for this cycle. It's done, it's over, not a thing I can do to change the results. I'll be better in a few days or maybe a few weeks, just give me some time. Our RE consult is schedule for April 28.

11dp3dt

So it's been a really tough couple of days. I started POAS last week got a faint positive, then the next morning got a negative. I got another faint positive on Sunday, and then another negative yesterday morning. It pretty much drove me nuts. I luckily didn't POAS this morning and will not on Wed, since it's the day of my beta. My emotions have been all over the place; I've been really really down and then pretty optimistic, sometimes within the same hour. I've cried at least once everyday since Friday because I've been so concerned that since I wasn't getting a darker second line that something was surely wrong. I know that I brought this upon myself by testing early and probably testing at all, which my RE suggests we do not do, but it's a hard habit to break, especially when you've been POAS pretty much every month for 3 years straight. I'm doing better this morning. I have been at least keeping up with my BBT and over the past few days it's been getting really high for me. My normal baseline is 97.4. If I have temps over 98 usually right before AF and then they drop to around 97.8, AF is sure to come either that same day or the next. Since Friday my temps have been around 98.3 and this morning it was 98.65, the highest I have every gotten since I've been charting. Something is certainly going on, hopefully something good. I've been a big slacker at school these past few weeks and I know my prof is probably getting a little upset about it, but at this point I'm so focused on myself and Rob, I just can't do much else. I'm hoping that once I do get that BFP finally, no matter if it's now or after a FET, that I'll finally be able to breathe a little easier and get back to work like I know I need to. I've had some cramping off and on over the past few days, no spotting whatsoever, which I guess is a good thing. Wish me luck, this test could change my life.

8dp3dt

I am such a bad blogger. I guess I've just been trying to not think of it as much, but of course it never works. Well I tested on Thursday and saw a very very faint line on a FRER, but then I tested on Friday morning and it was negative, devestating to say the least. I decided not to test this morning and will test again on Sunday morning since that will be 9dp3dt (12dp). I know it may not show anything either, but I guess I just want to feel productive and if POAS does that then so be it. Of course, I'll be sad if I don't see that ever elusive second line, but I will tell myself it is still too early. On one of the boards on BBC that I'm on, one of the gals just had a beta 10dp5dt and it was only 32, but her docs were ok with that. With a beta that low, it wouldn't even show up on some sticks, so I guess even if on the day of my beta I don't get a BFP, it may still not be over. I'm so thankful for the weekend, but Monday and Tuesday of next week are gonna be torture, I can feel it. Luckily Rob has Wednesday off so he will be coming with me to the hospital where I get the test done. I will have to go in to the school for a little while, but then I will probably skip the rest of the day to come home and wait for the most important phone call of my life. I never realized how different IVF was from IUI. Right now I know that I have two embryos in my uterus, I've never had that before; it's a completely different feeling. I'm already protective of them, I already speak to them each day, I want them to stay around so much, but I know I have absolutely no control over what happens, and that sucks. But, it's a lesson that God has been trying to teach me throughout this 3 year journey. I am NOT in control, He IS. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I'm hoping since tomorrow is Sunday and church day, maybe God will bless us early, just this once.

ET Friday

So alot has happened this week. I did get confirmation of OHSS, and let me tell you it's not fun at all. My ER was Tuesday morning and it went really well. I'm still very swollen and very tender, but doing my best to drink lots of fluids. We got 17 eggs!!

Of the 17, 16 fertilized, but not all of the eggs were mature enough. We have 4 Grade 3 Embryos, 8 Grade 2 Embryos, and 4 Grade 1 Embryos (RE doesn't think these will make it). We are going to do a Day 3 ET with at least 3 of the best. RE wants to be able to freeze as many as possible. I'm anxious and nervous, but ultimately just excited. This time tomorrow I will be PUPO.