Thursday, April 15, 2010
BFN IVF#1
Well the title sums it up. Beta was 0.7, not even a glimmer of hope. The more I think about it the more I think those lines I thought I saw were just evap lines. I would rather think that I was never PG than think that I was PG and then lost them. Of the 6 ladies on a BBC Board that went thru IVF or a FET at the same time I did, I was the only one that didn't get a BFP. Love those odds. Did my RE hold his tongue differently when he did the transfer? Was it because Rob wasn't there for the transfer? Why? I know I will never know, but I feel like I'm entitled to a little jealousy right now. Having feelings of anger and jealousy are easier for me to deal with at the moment than feeling completely helpless. I have to wait for AF to show in a few days and then wait an entire "natural" cycle before we can do anything else. I'm super pissed about that, and please don't tell me that it will give my body and mind time to heal, I've heard it many times before and it still pisses me off, so please spare me. And the lovely nurse who told me the news said if your next cycle doesn't come in 45 days you can call for some Provera, oh thanks, I really appreciate that. So unless my body decides to be nice to me this next month, I could be waiting another 50 days or longer, that's just perfect. I know you can all tell from this post that I'm pissed off, but at this point this is my coping mechanism. I get angry, I've cried all I can cry, there aren't anymore tears left at least for this cycle. It's done, it's over, not a thing I can do to change the results. I'll be better in a few days or maybe a few weeks, just give me some time. Our RE consult is schedule for April 28.
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Oh Melissa. I am so, so disappointed for you. My heart completely sank when I got your text. I wouldn't ever offer you words of consolation for this cycle, there's nothing I can say that makes your BFN "O.K.".
ReplyDeleteAnd I think it's more than fair to feel jealous and angry. It's so hard to watch other people have their dreams come true when yours just crashed in burned in front of you.
Take all the time you need, and don't hold anything back. I'll call you this weekend, k?
Hugs.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteTotally normal and okay to feel jealous & angry. I'd wonder about you if you didn't feel that way! Plain and simple, it just sucks and it's unfair but you already know all of that. I'm not going to try to find any magic words to make everything better (because they don't exist) but I did want to make sure you know I am thinking of you. Wish I could be there to give you a big hug.
My first and only IVF cycle ended in BFN with no real explanation. And the RE telling me she thought the cycle looked perfect didn't really help either. All the women in my IVF thread got their BFP(about 6), but not me. I did feel guilty when one of the women had her 6w u/s and an empty sac. I'm sure my jealousy didn't make her miscarry, but I still feel bad.
ReplyDeleteMy next cycle I went right into an IUI that didn't work out. I decided to take a few months off and lose some weight just in case it would help my odds.
That cycle was the most depressing cycle I ever had. I had lost all hope of ever becoming a mother. By the end of the cycle I somehow found my hope again that it at least "could" happen for me. I learned that this wasn't going to happen on my schedule no matter how much I wanted it to. I've finally found the patience I've never had during TTC.
No BFP for me yet, but I have hope.
You aren't alone on this F'd up IF journey and we all think it sucks.
Melissa, I would never think to tell you that taking this "break" would be good for you. Waiting is something that you have done far too much. It's your time to not have to wait any longer. I'm pissed for you and I wish there was something I could do to help. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself cope right now. If it means being jealous and angry, I think it is very much warranted.
ReplyDeleteGah, I am so sorry it was a bfn and on top of that you have to wait a natural cycle with long periods. That just sucks. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. There's not anything I can say to help, but know I'm thinking about you. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew something to say or do to make things better. Just know that you have a lot of people caring, thinking and praying for you...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. I hope your road ahead is a bright one filled with a BFP.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely allowed your anger! We have no control over our bodies and the amount of time we have to wait! It's torture, and I understand your frustration, jealousy, and anger. Got to let it out sometimes. I know I do. I am very sorry for your negative result. That just sucks. I'm mad with you, and I don't even know you! *slams fist on desk*
ReplyDeleteI know we've texted and I posted a comment on the BBC, so I don't have too much more to add. But I just wanted to drop a line here to let you know I am thinking about you. I can tell you really poured it out here in this post. It shows a hint of the depth of what you are feeling. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteOh honey. Rage all you want. I would be mad at everything too.
ReplyDeleteI sincerely hope that you dont have to wait anywhere near 50 days and your body co-operates for you and you can get back in the game ASAP and get the BFP you want and deserve.
xxx