Still Surreal

I'm still pinching myself every morning and really trying to remind myself that this is actually real. I guess I'm still in such a state of shock that it hasn't really sunk in yet. After my spotting and cramping on Monday, everything has stopped, which I'm greatful for. I got a really bad migraine on Wednesday night and basically just went to bed at like 7pm and didn't wake up until 8am the next day. Other than feeling fatigued, I don't have any other symptoms. It's funny how when an IFer gets to this point you're always second guessing everything. Well maybe its not healthy if I'm not having more symptoms? I find myself doing this constantly. I don't know if maybe m/s will kick in next week or not. Of course it would be nice to skip that part, but in some stupid and torturous way I actually want it, just for reassurance. I don't know if maybe once we get to the ultrasound and finally see the proof and actually hear the proof of a heartbeat it will finally sink in that I'm actually pregnant.

Update: I started spotting brown again. I pray to God this is normal!

Our Miracle

Yesterday was so stressful. The hospital's machines broke so my RE never got my latest beta results. I called my RE early this morning and finally got my results. It went up to 176 from 70. I just can't believe it. The nurse said it was a great rise and that I don't need to do anymore betas. I'm a little nervous about that, but I trust that they know what they're doing. I had more cramping yesterday evening and had some brown discharge which really scared me. I called the on-call nurse and she said it could be good or bad, evidently it might be from late implantation. I'm supposed to just watch everything closely. I have my first ultrasound scheduled for October 25 7am. It's going to be a long two weeks.

Thank you all for being such amazing IF sisters to me. I apologize for not commenting lately on your blogs, it's been kind of a stressful week to say the least. Thank you again for all your comments and prayers, I wouldn't be here without all of you. Lots of love!

Need Some Prayers

It only went to 70. I can't believe this is happening again. It went up, yes, but it didn't even remotely double. I go for another one on Monday. I'm just tired and numb right now. I feel like I'm going through deja-vu. This is breaking my heart.

Can You Repeat That?

Well I've been cramping since Monday and thought it was rather odd. I don't cramp after a transfer unless I'm off the PIO and AF is a comin'. So yesterday afternoon, after playing hooky from the lab and spending an entire day with Rob, I POAS and there was a magical second line. I got on my hands and knees put my head on the toilet seat (I made sure to put in down while I was waiting) and thanked God!

My beta today 10dp5dt was 50. I'm scared s**tless. It seems a little low to me, but I will take whatever I can get. I'm still cramping, but no spotting whatsoever. My Progesterone was excellent, but the nurse said I needed to up my Estrogen a bit, so I'm on 2 patches every other day.

My 2nd beta is on Friday. I've waited 3 years and 5 months for this chance, I can wait 2 more days to see if it's going to be ok. One day at a time, that's what I'm going to do.

All of your kind comments and stories were so inspiring to me. You lifted me up when I couldn't lift myself up. I really do credit all of your thoughts, prayers, and of course God for this BFP. I'm am so thankful, there's not much else to say.

Losing It

I'm such a loser, I couldn't wait and so I POAS on Friday (5dp5dt)- BFN, and this morning (7dp5dt)- BFN again. I'm losing hope and my heart is breaking again. I got our final embryology report and it wasn't good. Of the 8 embryos we had left on Day 5, none (0) made it to freeze. I'm devestated and just speechless. I don't understand. How can they tell me that things looked so much better, our grades were better and then this happens. WTH is going on? I'm losing hope that this fresh cycle worked. I still have until Wednesday before my beta, but the odds aren't looking good. With my FET, I was getting a BFP 5 days before my beta and look how that turned out. I just don't really know how much more I can take. If we get bad news on Wed, then we are going to ask for a face to face with our RE, normally they just do phone consults. We need to talk to him and really figure out what's going on. I don't know if we need to go ahead and do pre-genetic testing on the embryos and not even waste doing a transfer unless they're ok. Only problem is our RE can do the testing in house, they would have to be sent somewhere. Also, it's going to be extra money. I just don't know. I know we'll go ahead and move forward with the FET, we have to, but after that I'm at a loss. We have 1 IVF left. I never thought we'd even get to number 2.

I think I've resigned myself that we don't want to use donor. I guess I just can't imagine having a child that I know is my husband's and some other woman's. I don't have anything at all against using donor, it's just not something I can do. If we went to donor eggs, that would mean we would be out of the shared-risk program and would have to pay for the donor cycle with the money we get back. How is someone else's eggs, probably someone my age or even a few years older, better? I hyperstimmed both times, got 17 eggs the first time and 20 eggs the second time. We've done genetic testing on both of us and I've done all the clotting disorders, and nothing, nothing, was wrong. So what is it? What's going on, why are they dying? Is the protocol that my RE's using causing damage to the eggs? Is there some kind of developmental issue that we just haven't uncovered?

I'm tired, my heart is breaking a little more with every cycle we do. I know that no matter what happens, I'll know we at least tried. I've told Rob to go ahead and get the information from his company on their adoption policy. I'm a planner and I'd rather get the information now than later.

I know what everyone is thinking; this cycle isn't even over and you're already talking about the next one and getting upset about the embryos that didn't make it. I guess I just don't have much to go on, but what's previously happened to me, and what has happened to others. Yes, I shouldn't compare, but it's in my nature. I won't be testing again until Wed before my beta. I want to be prepared for the phone call whether good or bad. I have to go into the lab that day in the morning, but I'll probably come home after lunch. I know no matter what the results are, I just won't be able to compose myself at school.

On another note I got more bad news on Friday. For the past few years, I've noticed that I have to turn up the volume on most things, higher than what other's use. My mom got hearing aids at a pretty young age, 45 for her first, 56 for her other ear. I went to an Audiologist and had a hearing test done. Based on the results, I've lost hearing in both of my ears, my R is worse. The doctor thinks it's degenerative and hereditary, so they recommended hearing aids. I cried when I got in my car. I feel like I'm falling apart, piece by piece. I know it isn't the end of the world, but considering hearing aids aren't covered by insurance, it's just one more expense we don't have the funds for.

What's next God? My ears are bad, my sinuses are bad, my eggs are bad, my thyroid is bad, my brain isn't that great when it comes to dealing with things, what's left? Are you done yet? I'm only one person. I consider myself to be a strong woman, but seriously what's next? Are you trying to tell me I'm not fit to carry a child, that I'm not fit to pass my genes on? Is that it? Are you trying to tell me that there's so much going on in my body that carrying a child just isn't possible? Is all of this just pushing us towards adoption? I don't know, all I know is that I'm drained from all this IF s**t.

Why Does It Seem Like Time Is Stopping?

Things have been going ok for me so far since the transfer. My bloating is slowly but surely going down. I am having some slight cramping each day, but I'm trying to not over analyze it. I just don't want to start down that road again. I've been trying to stay away from BBC this time because if I go on there like I usually do to see how everyone is, it keeps reminding me of my upcoming beta. I just kind of want to step back and not be reminded of it. I guess this is a way for me to protect myself from having an anxiety attack, which happened after my first fresh transfer. With my FET all I did was POAS for like 5 days straight 2x a day before my actual beta (I may be over-exaggerating, but only slightly). I guess I was just so excited to finally see 2 lines, a plus, or even that word I keep wanting to be associated with "Pregnant," I just kept testing. When I got my 2nd beta that hadn't even risen 10pts, my world fell apart again. I just don't want to put myself through that again. I blame myself for how starting that POAS train, I've got to stop myself from doing it this time. I need to keep telling myself that I am just throwing money away if I buy another HPT. No matter if I see a positive, my beta's are what matters. Next Wed just feels like such an eternity from now. Even though I'm trying to stay busy in the lab, I swear time just creeps by me. I really wonder if while going through the 2ww, our perception of time changes. Anyways, gotta get back to work and trying to not think about what I want to think about every waking minute.

And The Wait Begins....Again

So the transfer is complete! I had 1 Grade 1 Blast and 1 Grade 1 Stage 3 Morula transferred. I really wanted to do 3, but the RE's office won't allow it because of my age. They said that the most they would ever do is 2, because there's still a possibility that one of the embryos could split into identical twins. I was a little hesitant about this, but I understand that their top priority is getting you pregnant with one healthy baby that can be delivered at term. I just feel so blessed this time with how well our embryos did. I certainly credit the acupuncture, extra thyroid meds, and lots of prayer! I've tried to remain alot calmer this time and not stress out about what may or may not happen. I keep reminding myself everyday, "I will be pregnant and I will deliver a healthy baby."

Our latest freeze report showed that 8 embryos were frozen on Day 2, all good quality. As of yesterday morning we still had 10 embryos growing, which is absolutely amazing, considering last time at our FET after thawing and growing for 3 days, we had 2 surviving embryos out of 11. The Embryologist decided to let this second batch all reach Blast stage before freezing, so we'll get another report in the mail in the next week letting us know how many made it to freezing. If you add all of these up, miraculously there's 18 (including the 2 we transferred), not 17 like my nurse said for the Fert Report. So out of 20 eggs retrieved, we had 18 embryos even by Day 2. That's absolutely amazing. I am so very thankful, because I know that some have an extremely difficult time with producing alot of eggs. Now granted the recovery after the ER this time was hellish, I wouldn't trade the results for anything.

My first beta is set for October 6, which would be exactly 4w1d. I have exactly 1 pregnancy test in the house and I think I will use it on October 5. If I can stand it I may save it for the morning of my beta, but my will power probably won't last. Since I only did 3000 IU of HCG, it should actually already be out of my system. My RE gave me a low dose for both of my ER, I'm guessing b/c of the follicle count. It's going to be a very long week, but I'm going to try and stay as busy as possible with school. My professor and his wife have left for China for 3 weeks, so I've got to make the most of my time so that when they return I'll have lots of experimental data to show them. I finished another draft of my proposal and should get the OK to send it to my committee really soon. This is a huge milestone in itself for me, since it was my first attempt at writing a mock grant.

Thank you all for being so sweet to me during this IVF. It really means so much to me. Love to you all.