The Problem Is Your Eggs

Yep, that's what the RE said. Was I expecting it? No. Am I starting to feel a little more okay about it? Yes. We were already prepared to possibly use donor sperm, well it just got switched on us. In all honesty we just want to be parents. And at this point I don't care how it happens. I don't even know if I really even care all that much about being pregnant. Sure I would love to go thru the experience, but if it isn't in the cards for us, I think I'm more prepared for it now that we've gone thru a failed IVF. We tried everything and I feel like there wasn't much more we could do. I will be doing some bloodwork to check for clotting disorders and also do a chromosome analysis on me. But even if the results come back ok, I just don't know if I'm prepared to go thru another IVF attempt, when the likelihood the results will be same is pretty high. I'm hoping I can get some answers from the donor nurse in the morning. I have no idea how this will play into the cost of everything. I looked online and the donor-egg shared risk program is like $27,500. S**T!!! But if after the 3rd attempt you still don't have a baby (live), then you get 100% back, which is nice. I just don't think we'd be able to come up with the money. We're already straped enough as it is, with paying for 2 loans for what we had to borrow for the shared risk program we already belong to. I'm hoping they can come up with some kind of plan that would just use some of the money we've already spent so we won't have to come up with more. Gosh this sucks! Welcome to the world of infertility.....

100

Well I guess this is a milestone, I finally hit 100 posts. I wish this one was going to be more enthusiastic or that I was going on about how happy I was to be pregnant, but that's not the case. AF started on Monday night and has been really really painful. This might be TMI so if you don't want to read I understand. I passed a huge clot today and inside of it was a little cyst with a very small dark spot. I'm positive this was my embryo. I've never ever had anything like that before with any AF I've had these past 3 years. God, it made it so real. I just couldn't believe it. I said a prayer for my little embie.

I have another beta in the morning to see if my levels have dropped properly. If they have there's a chance the nurse may give me the go ahead to start BCPs again. I'd feel alot better and more optimistic if we went ahead and got going again. I know I need the rest, but honestly I was hardly 5 weeks and to me moving forward helps me heal more than anything else. Unfortunately if my number isn't good I may be forced to do the dreaded "Shot". We were planning on going to Charleston and to see my parents this weekend for our 5th Anniversary. We are hoping to leave Wed night and come back on Monday, but if the levels aren't down then my trip will be cancelled so I can get the shot and do more bloodwork. I'm praying this doesn't happen, Rob and I need this time away. Even if part of it is spent with my parents who drive me nuts, it's still nice to just get away. Here's hoping we get some good news for once.

Miscarriage

Do I even call it that? I mean I knew I was pregnant on Sunday, got confirmation on Wednesday and then last Friday everything fell apart. I didn't get to see an ultrasound, hear a heartbeat, or even get the chance to truly be happy with the news. It all happened so quickly. My beta dropped to 145, so at least I didn't have to make the choice to terminate, it was made for me. I stop all the meds today and wait for probably the worst AF I'll ever have. I have a repeat beta next Wed to see how far my levels have dropped. Our phone consult with our RE is set for July 8. I can't believe it's so far away. Our 5 year anniversary is on July 2. We're going to Charleston for a night, the place we met and married and then on to see my parents and some of my relatives. I was hoping this would be our first anniversary as expectant parents, well there's goes that dream. So I guess we will start IVF#2 in a few months. I'm sure I'll have to wait a few weeks for AF to even shown, then I guess I may have to wait another cycle before I start BCPs again, I'm not really sure. I guess when AF shows I'll call and find out. But with my luck they will make me wait another cycle before I even start the pill again. This wasn't how I even imagined our first attempt at IVF would go. Guess I should have realized with out luck thus far that something was bound to go wrong. It was inevitable. Nothing is ever going to be handed to us, especially a baby.

Thank you all for your love and support. I'll actually be on here more now and be staying away from BabyCenter. The IVF group I belong to has so many freaking BFPs (3 sets of twins) and many that are already moms, it's just a bad place for me to be, even if I'm just lurking. Love to you all. I'll make it somehow.

Being Real

This is it. One more beta on Wed and then it will finally be over. I am preparing for the worst and being realistic. The likelihood this is not a viable pregnancy is very high its the truth no way around it. In almost 6 days my beta went from 103 to only 165. I cant help but know that this isnt normal. Theres something very wrong and theres nothing I can do about it. I hate everything about IVF. It gave me hope. I had 11 embryos and there are 0 left. None. My biggest fear has come true. I know theres something wrong with my eggs. What else could explain it. 11 embryos dont just die for no reason. I will find out why. I have to know. Id rather find out that my eggs are screwed up than go thru another miscarriage. I was happy for less than 48 hours and that joy was ripped away. I will be changed by this. Theres no way around that. Ive lost a little more of the minimal hope that I have. When will it all run out?

Devestated

My 2nd beta was only 119 after 2 full days. I'm just numb. I have to go back and get a 3rd one on Monday and then just hope for the best. There's nothing more I can do but pray.

Finally!

Got the confirmation. Beta was 103 and my Prog and Estrogen are all good! I'm thinking only one cooking, but that it fine by me. I just can't believe it's finally happened. Thank you all for supporting me and building me up when I've been so down. I wouldn't have made it without all of your support. Love to you all!

Is It Real?

Well I know I've been MIA since my FET, guess I just kind of wanted to take everything in. When we got there, the doctor took us back and told us that they had to un-thaw all 9 of our frozen embryos. I couldn't believe it. Then the worst news only 2 survived til Day 7. They were Stage 3 Blasts, which we were told is very good. But all I kept thinking was, they are all gone, there's nothing left. So I had the transfer and cried afterwards. I was just so overwhelmed. But I kept telling myself, there are 2 strong ones in you, keep remembering that. So yesterday morning, 6 days post, I used a FRER, and within a minute saw a faint 2nd line. This morning that 2nd line was darker, and then just a little while ago I took this. Is it real? My beta isn't until Thursday (10dpt), but I'm gonna call and see if I can get one earlier.