The Last Hail Mary and An Award

So this is it; the last hail mary! I have one more week and AF will arrive or not. I'm hoping not, but I think that's just wishful thinking at this point. I'll be going in for a Progesterone check in a day and taking Rob in for a ton of bloodwork. He's getting his Testosterone, FSH, LH, TSH, Prolactin, a Peripheral Karyotype, Y-micro Deletion Analysis, Cystic Fibrosis, and Estradiol checked, which means a ton of vials, which means one big baby on my hands. Rob is 6'3'' and a big dude, but he faints with needles. Should be interesting, I'll post the story once we get done.

YEY I got another award!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Survey~

1. Where is your cell phone? Beside

2. Your hair? Brown

3. Your mother? Annoying

4. Your father? Quiet

5. Your favorite food? Chinese

6. Your dream last night? Weird

7. Your favorite drink? Dr. Pepper

8. Your dream/goal? Faith

9. What room are you in? Living

10. Your hobby? Reading

11. Your fear? Childless

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mother

13. Where were you last night? Bed

14. Something that you aren’t? Outgoing

15. Muffins? Banana-Nut

16. Wish list item? Car

17. Where did you grow up? South Carolina

18. Last thing you did? Movie

19. What are you wearing? Jeans

20. Your TV? Duplicity

21. Your pets? Alot

22. Friends? Helpful

23. Your life? Changing

24. Your mood? Tired

25. Missing someone? Rob

26. Vehicle? Civic

27. Something you’re not wearing? Glasses

28. Your favorite store? Target

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed? Sunday

31. Last time you cried? Friday

32. Your best friend? Rob

33. One place that I go to over and over? Lab

34. One person who emails me regularly? Prof

35. Favorite place to eat? Sushi (anywhere)

I am awarding this blog award to (in no particular order):

1. In Due Time

2. The Pitter-Patter

3. There's a baby at the end of this, right?

4. Inconceivable?!

5. 2 of a Kind, Working on a Full House!

6. Bottoms Off and On The Table- An Infertility Journey

Don't forget to pass it along!

Male Factor Infertility and IUI

I'm just in such shock, I always thought it was me that had the problem. We got the S/A and Morphology results and they were very very bad. He had 16Million, hardly any motility, and the shape of his sperm are not conducive to fertilization. We have less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, basically 0%. I can't believe it.

I got a positive OPK this month, not that it matters much now, but that's 4 months in a row that I've ovulated on my own.

We are going to be starting medicated IUI with Letrozole for me, next cycle. I just have to wait for AF and our IUI journey begins. In the back of my mind I always knew we'd end up doing IUI, but it's still hard to swallow. We will try this for 3 months and then move on to IVF. This is unreal.

S**t Hit the Fan

So here I was thinking things were going ok. I'm dosed up on antidepressants, I'm seeing an RE, I'm seeing a marriage counselor, what's the next best thing that could happen to make things blow up in my face? Oh yes another PGer. But wait, it gets even better. It just so happens that it's the couple we do everything with. They live 3 houses down from us and we see them probably 3-5 times a week. They tried, wait, count it with me 2 MONTHS, F**K it all to H*LL. And how does my lovely husband decide to tell me....

I got home from school to find him gone, called his cell he wouldn't answer, so I called our friend and what do you know they went to lunch together. So out in the middle of the yard, Rob goes

Rob: "Guess what babe, we need to take them to dinner to celebrate."
Me: "Did he get the job?" (He's applying to another position with Verizon)
Rob: "No, they're pregnant! Isn't that great. Now we can raise our kids together."
Me: "Rob, we don't have kids, we are seeing an RE, it could be months or years from now. I have to go."

And I proceed to run into the house with tears streaming down my face, while Rob and our friend are left standing in the yard. I then had a full-blown panic attack for 2 hours straight.

Wonderful, just wonderful. And to top it off we had a counselor appt that afternoon. I don't want to see them, I don't want to talk to them, I don't want anything to do with them. I'm a horrible person, I'm a horrible friend, but if it keeps me from falling apart everyday, from being angry and wanting to break or destroy something, then so be it. It wouldn't be the first friend that I've lost because they were PG. What's another one added to the list gonna do?

Waiting Again

So it's been a rather long week already. I'm waiting again, waiting to O, story of my life. I'm on CD19 and have been using those digital OPKs since CD15, absolutely nothing. My test line hasn't even been visible. This SUCKS!!! Ugh, I get my HSG done and get told that I have an increased chance of conceiving for the next month or two. Well that's just great, but it would help if I O'd, now wouldn't it. I have O'd for the past 3 months on my own, without any meds, so now that my chances are increased, my body goes on strike, perfect! So I'm not sure what the doctor's office is going to want me to do, do I keep on testing, or go ahead and get my Progesterone check, knowing that I haven't O'd.

I did get the chance this past Saturday to babysit one of Rob's cousins. He's 11months old and it was so much fun. Gosh, I thought it would make me sad, but if anything it just makes me more driven. I want this so badly, not just for me but for Rob too. I can tell it's really starting to take a toll on him too, but he does seem excited that we are finally with an RE. At first I think he was a little hesitant, maybe because it makes it more real for him, since he has to be more involved with everything now. We're still waiting on his S/A and Morph results. I'm praying they'll be fine.

*Update: RE phone consult scheduled for this Friday. I could have waited to see him face to face on October 28, or pay $100 for the phonecall. I chose the phonecall so I don't have to wait two more cycles to get started on a plan. Wish me luck!

Heck of a Week

So I'm a terrible blogger. I haven't been posting, haven't been commenting, I just haven't been doing much of anything. This weekend, AF showed her ugly face. I was expecting her. I did my BBT at the same time this entire cycle, so when my temp started plummetting, I knew she was coming. It was a little nice though, to know she was coming, and that there was no point wasting money on an f-ing PGT. There wasn't any point, so luckily I didn't put myself thru seeing yet another one line or "Not Pregnant" on a test.

Monday was just crap. I found out on Facebook that one of my college roomies died in a car accident. She was 26. She was a good college friend, was there when Rob proposed to me, and was there for our wedding. We've kept in touch online, but we weren't really close. It still makes me so sad though. She had so much going for her, she was sweet and smart and funny, and she shouldn't have died so young. I wanted to go to her funeral back in SC, but I can't get away since I'm taking two days off next week for my RE testing. I feel horrible about not going, but my mom was at least able to go to the visitation.

I decided on Tuesday after our marriage counseling session that I need to go back on antidepressants. The reason why I stopped was b/c of TTC. I just didn't want to risk birth defects, but right now the benefit of me being on them is highest on my list. My depression and anxiety have been at an all time high the past few months. I'm depressed more days than I'm ever happy, and even when I'm somewhat happy, the littlest thing will set me off spiraling down into a pit of despair. Yes, IF certainly hasn't helped, if anything it's made everything worse, but I know that even if I wasn't going thru IF, I would still need to be on something. Both my parents have it, my grandparents had it (they all died from alcoholism, except for one who died from dementia). It's in my genes and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm going thru mixed emotions about being on something. The NP that I saw specifically when thru the drug manual with me to try and find the safest one she could. I'm still just scared, but I'll probably talk to my RE and find out if he likes the one I'm on or if I need to switch.

My very first HSG and U/S will be next Tuesday. Rob's S/A and Morphology test is the same day. I'm scared, excited, and everything in between. I want to know what's wrong, I want to be PG within the next year, so I know I'm doing the right thing. This is it though, I'm with the big guys, there's no other steps, besides adoption. And unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to adopt for many many years, with as much as it costs. I know that we could always try foster care or do adoption thru the state, but I can't let myself go there just yet. Until we've tried everything within reason financially, I'm not giving up.

1st RE Appt

So I just had my first RE Appt today with Rob, and it went exactly like I expected it to. We went over all of our history and he agreed with me that Clomid was out of the question again, which I am very happy about. Once AF comes this next time, which should be any day, I'll be calling and setting up:
1. HSG
2. U/S
3. Rob's S/A and Morphology Test
4. Progesterone Check (7days after O)

I'm excited about finally getting to the bottom of everything. He thinks our first treatment will be either Letrozole or Menopur. So on to waiting for AF and then setting up all the tests. Hopefully we'll be able to schedule them all on the same day, so we won't have to miss too much work to drive down to Jacksonville.

BBT Chart

So this month I've been religiously taking my BBT at 6:30am every morning, and then going back to sleep again until I have to get up for school. So far since CD19 when I ovulated, my temps haven't risen all that much. I know that doesn't count me out completely, but all the other Hypothyroid, PG, charts I've looked at, their BBT rise at least 0.5 degrees past their O temp and keep rising. Mine has risen then dropped slightly, risen again then dropped slightly. Maybe a 0.2 degree difference, the highest temp I recorded was 98.0, my O temp was 97.45, but that was 2DPO. I'm now 5DPO and my temp this morning was 97.69. Blah. I haven't lost hope yet, but unless my temp starts magically increasing, the odds don't look all that good.

I have my very first RE appt next Wed, which will be 12DPO. I'm thinking of testing on 11DPO, and if it's positive then I'll still be able to cancel my RE appt without getting a penalty fee. But if my temps don't start rising, I'm not going to even waste the test, and I'll just go ahead to the appt. SIGH...... If only it were simpler.