I relate infertility to a brick wall. Sometimes it's several hundred feet high and I can't even remotely fathom what the other side is like, but other times it's only a few feet high and it seems like one day I might be able to climb over it. For now, I can't see the top of the wall. The wall is thick and tall. I can't blast threw it and there are no peep holes to the other side. There is a single ladder that I can use to climb over the wall, but there are hundreds of others waiting to use the ladder too. If I consider the three transfers I've been through, I've gotten to start the climb using that ladder three times. One time I made it a few steps off the ground, but immediately fell off. The other two times I've almost reached the top, only to fall hard back on the ground. Currently, I'm trying to mend the broken heart that I suffered from the last fall.
I can sometimes hear those of you that have made it to the other side, but most of the time you've moved so far from that wall I can't hear your voice anymore. Every now and then I can hear a voice telling me, "You're time will come." But sometimes all I hear is a whisper saying, "You won't believe what it's like over here, wish you were here to see it." I don't know what it's like on the other side of the wall. I've never seen it and I've never experienced it, so I don't know how to relate to those of you that have already made it to the other side. Maybe when my heart begins to mend again and I get to step back on that ladder to try and make the climb again, I'll be able to hear again. I might finally catch a glimpse of what the other side is really like. Maybe you'll even be able to chip away at the wall and make a peep hole for me to see what the other side is really like. Maybe one day that hole will be big enough for you to grab my hand and reassure me that all of this heartache is really worth going through to make it to the other side.
But for now the wall is big. My broken heart and I are on one side and y'all are on the other. I can't see the top of the wall and there are no peep holes to take a glimpse at the other side. My ears don't work very well so all I hear are muted whispers. So if y'all have the time to wait for me on the other side it would make all the difference, but if y'all don't, I'll understand that the beauty and happiness on the other side is too great to pass up and getting further away from that wall is what is best.
An Infertility/Loss Essay
10 hours ago
You are SO not alone on this suckier side of the wall. We'll get there!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I can feel the same way, for different reasons. Hang in there, love. Focus on healing your heart because it is what you can do right now.
ReplyDelete(((HUG)))
ReplyDeleteThis post breaks my heart. It's a great analogy too. I remember feeling this way many times when we were trying to get pregnant. I do know, though, that you've been waiting longer than many people & that because of that, you've seen so many people "cross over" to the other side of that wall. I'm sure it's very painful. You do have a huge group of supporters just waiting to throw you a big party once it's your turn to finally get over that stupid wall. I'm so ready for that day, Melissa, and I know you are too. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI think this was a great post. The wall is a great analogy for all the crap you and many others have been through. I hope you do make it to the other side.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has been TTC for 5 years on Dec 3, I can completely understand. I hope we can get to the other side of that wall. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt IS a great analogy. You made me tear up. Just remember that we don't forget the climb or the wait on the ground on the other side of the wall.
ReplyDeleteBefore our IVF I read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch and I seem to remember a quote that stuck with me: "The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!" I know how badly you want this Melissa. Some day, some way.
I shouldn't have read this at work.. because it made me tear up too. I always pictured myself on the other side of a castle wall, and my ladder was a fortress tower.
ReplyDeleteKerri said exactly what I was thinking. Melissa, I know you can't see it from your side of the wall, but none of us on the other side have ventured very far. We haven't forgotten what it was like on your side. And we're all over here cheering you on, even when we know you can't see or hear it.
I hope you know that. You have your own cheer squad over here. And one day you'll cross over and you'll see us all waiting patiently for you.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a big hug right now. It really was a great analogy.
And as your friend who has most recently started climbing the ladder? Well, I am hoping to be having you just a couple of rungs behind me. We are going to take that castle!!!
Don't loose hope. You will get there, I promise. You have a great plan. And you have a great back up plan. Your some day, some way will come. Love you.