Saturday, November 20, 2010

Bottom of a Pit

So I went to San Diego last week for a neuroscience conference. It was fun and I had two interviews for post-doc positions. One for a university in TN and the other in SC. It was a good experience and both professors left it up to me to contact them if I was still interested, which I took as a good sign. I still have alot of time to try and find a position, but it's important to me to have a plan in place especially since we probably will have to move, sell the house, and find a position for Rob. I celebrated my 28th birthday while I was gone, and wished the same wish I've wished for the past 4 birthdays. Will it come true before I turn 29? I don't know.

Rob's bday was two days after mine and it was hard to not be able to celebrate our bdays together. I got home on Wednesday to find that he had completely tiled our kitchen floor by himself, something we've been talking about doing for a few months now. There's still alot of finishing up to do, but it looks really nice and he worked really hard.

The next day I opened my laptop that I had left at home to find porn plastered across the screen. I think I sat there for a moment with my mouth hung open and tears forming in my eyes. I called him at work and told him we had some things to discuss and left it at that. I was livid, hurt, upset, and felt completely worthless. Our roomate came home and asked if I wanted to go to the triple Harry P. feature, so I went without asking Rob if it would be okay. I didn't want to see him or even be in the same room. I didn't get home until 3am in the morning and didn't say a word to him until he came home the next morning after an early meeting. Evidently a few months back I had given him "permission" to take care of business. I don't remember doing this, but whatever. Because I haven't wanted to be touched let alone have sex, I guess he's feeling neglected. But instead of telling me he needs some attention, he goes behind my back and rubs one out while I'm out of town. He came clean and said this wasn't the first time and that he's done it while I've been at school too. He then yelled at me and said I better not tell anyone and let alone post it on my blog, because what happens between me and him should stay between me and him. I don't like being told what I can and can't do, so needless to say I'm not listening to him. I will try and keep him out of blog after this post, but I certainly won't stop discussing my feelings especially if he's the one that's hurting me. I still haven't gotten over it. He says he won't do it again, now that he knows how much it hurt me, but I can't help but listen to the voice inside my head telling me he probably will.

I know he loves me and that he has "needs" that I and I don't think any women can understand. I feel as if I drove him to this point. I've realized that I've been traumatized by all of this. I cringe when he or anyone touches me when I have my back turned. I've lost all of the sexual drive I had, it doesn't interest me at all and so I know he's taken this personally, even though I've told him how I feel. I've felt like less of a woman for years now, like I'm broken and not whole. I see now that every aspect of my life at home and at school has been affected by IF.

And so yesterday I get a call from my only friend from church who has shown any interst in following me through this journey to motherhood. After we'd been trying for a year, she got pregnant very easily with her daughter. Her daughter is now 2 and 1/2. We talk at least once a week and she told me that she'd be trying for her 2nd starting in September. Well she didn't get PG last month, but she did this month. I was waiting for her to tell me, I just knew it would only be a matter of time. I could tell when we were talking that there's was something in her voice that wasn't quite right. She said she wanted me to find out from her and not while at church. They'll probably be announcing it this Sunday. You see she never had a problem with her first pregnancy so she told our class the day she got a positive test. There's no reason for her not to tell the whole world now that she's pregnant again, because she has nothing to worry about. I started crying when she told me and she started crying because she knew how much I'd be hurt. I told her that it wasn't her fault I was upset, I was just upset with the situation and jealous that it comes so easy to her. She told me she'd continue to call me and when I was ready to talk again let her know. She said if I don't want to hear anything about her pregnancy she would respect that.

I feel so alone right now. The two people that I talked to the most about this IF shit are both pregnant. The one couple that Rob and I know that are still trying are alot older than us. She already has 3 grown boys, and this is her second marriage. So even though she knows the pain of going through every month with another AF showing up, she can't begin to feel the pain I feel because she already has children. It's a different kind of hurt for her. This would be the first child for her current husband, but I've realized that husbands deal with IF in a very different way than we do.

There's no one left for me to talk to IRL about all of this. There's no one left to sympathize with me. There's no one left, except Rob, to give me a hug and let me cry when I've gone through another failed cycle. All I have is all of you out there somewhere. And even though I find a small comfort in that, I still feel like I'm at the bottom of yet another pit with no way out.

I'm already in the midst of my 2nd FET. I have an ultrasound check next Saturday morning and our transfer will most likely be the first week of December. I'm going into this cycle with absolutely no expectations. I have to. We have our plan in place, but time is of the essence right now especially if we are moving sometime next August/September away from our RE. I'm willing to give our remaining embryos a chance, but our horrible track record remains at the forefront of my mind. I know that without any hope this cycle will certainly fail, so I need some help and reassurance from all of you, that I will be ok even if this transfer ends like the past 3.


  1. Stopping by from ICLW.

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone. TTC is such an isolating experience and it's so incredibly difficult.

    Sending you virtual hugs.

  2. I'm heading out of town tomorrow night, but if you would like to grab coffee or dinner one night the week after next please let me know.


  3. I did miss this post, I am so sorry. I went through a similar fight with my husband a few months ago and it hurt so badly. Please know, that you are not the only woman to feel this way. I am sorry you don't have any one to talk to IRL, but know we are here for you virtually.

    Thinking of you...

  4. Missed this post too and I just wanted to say that, while I understand why you're hurt by what your husband did, particularly given your own feelings about your body right now (and I know those feelings well), I think its common for most men to take care of business by themselves on a regular basis and that its not a reflection on how he feels about you or how you're satisfying him. I would be pissed about the porn too, though. Sending love.

  5. Hello
    Found your blog via ICLW week. I read your most recent posts and decided to reply to this one.
    Men are different creatures, with different needs, it sounds so cliche, but don't take it personal. Men are physical creatures and they can't help themselves, poor beasts.
    Many of us share similar experiences with the Men in our lives, and the hurt is inevitable, but this shall pass too.
    As for your journey to have a baby, keep your hope alive. And when hearing others are pregnant, I hear you, loud & clear, and you're not alone and it's understandable.
    Hang in there,
    The C's