Deep Breaths

I appreciate all of your comments, it's been a rough few weeks to say the least. I was finally able to get in touch with a therapist and I have an appointment next Monday unless someone cancels before then. I can't say that I'm not going in skeptical, I just haven't had great luck with a one on one therapist before. I did find some comfort seeing our counselor at our church, but there's only so much she can say about it being in God's hands before I start to shut down. I mean yes, I know it is, but all of my emotional issues and depression aren't just going to go away if I pray alot. Since I can't go on meds right now, this is my only other option. So we'll see how it goes.

My parent's are on the way into town today. I'm happy to see them, but they bring alot of anxiety into my life. Being an only child has alot of down sides. They're extremely over-bearing and over-protective and sometimes forget that I'm actually an adult. So I'm just going to take deep breaths if my Mom gets on my nerves.

In other news, I don't think I've mentioned this yet, R and I are in a huge fight with his mother. The day that I found out our 2nd pregnancy wasn't viable, I called her to let her know, but I was basically hysterically. She kept yelling over me to stop crying. I didn't need someone to tell me that, I just needed her to let me cry. So I basically started having a panic attack and just decided to hang up the phone. I went to the back of the house and made a bath and just layed in it and cried until R got home early from work. I never called her back b/c I just really didnt' want to to talk to anyone. This was a Monday and on Tuesday night R found out he got a promotion he'd been working towards for a very long time. I didn't talk to her or R's dad but sent them my love when R told them about his job.

That Friday I had my committee review of my PhD proposal, basically they were going to determine when I could graduate. Luckily they agreed to let me go when my prof leaves the school this coming August. R and I decided to celebrate and go to a nice dinner. Before our meal came we called his parent's to let them know about my good news. His mom gets on the phone says a quick "That's good" and then chews me up one side and down the other. She told me she had never been so disrespected in her life and that she thought I had more respect for her than that, and that she didn't appreciate me hanging up on her and that I should never do that again. She said somewhat jokingly, "I don't know what I'm going to do with you, maybe next time I see you I should give you a spanking." Now during her tirade I didn't say anything but maybe a yes/no here and there. After yelling at me she started asking me all these questions about where we were going to move to, was I going to stay at FSU. I had just found out not 3 hours earlier that I was going to graduate early, but yet I was already supposed to know where we were going to be living and have a job lined up.

Needless to say I started crying at dinner after I handed the phone off to R. He didn't know what had happened until after he hung up with her. He was furious and said he would talk to her about it the next day. So he did and evidently she said, "So she sent you as her guard dog?" Are you kidding me? After that he got really pissed off too. The following week he called her during a lul at work, at the same time his boss called him on the other line, so he told her he had to hang up to take the other call. After he talked to his boss, he called her back 4 times and she wouldn't pick up.

Last Sat for my bday she send me a text, "Happy Birthday Love Mom." I wrote back, "Thanks Love You Too." That is all the contact we've had since October 22. At this point I know she is waiting for me to call her and apologize and admit that I was disrespectful and should never do that again, blah blah blah. Well, I've decided not to b/c I don't think I did anything wrong. It was in the heat of the moment and I was devestated and hysterical. For some reason she likes to take situations and turn them into all about her. This isn't the first time she's done something like this. Back when I was in undergrad and called her to tell her R and mine's wedding date she yelled at me and told me we were too young and that we both needed jobs and where were we going to live. I was in tears by the end of the conversation and thought she hated me. Planning our wedding was a complete fiasco b/c of dealing with her and my mom. From all that happened then, my parents and R's don't speak much at all. R and I have had to put our foot down and just alternate holidays b/c they can't stand to be in the same room together.

I don't need anymore drama in my life, especially with everything going on right now. So my method of dealing with it, is to leave it up to her to contact me. I refuse to apologize for being upset, so more than likely we won't be talking anytime soon. I hope we can come to some short of agreement before Christmas. I've also decided not to tell her anything about our latest FET. All I need from her is some support, but somehow it's my fault that things went to shit. More deep breaths.