Miscarriage

Do I even call it that? I mean I knew I was pregnant on Sunday, got confirmation on Wednesday and then last Friday everything fell apart. I didn't get to see an ultrasound, hear a heartbeat, or even get the chance to truly be happy with the news. It all happened so quickly. My beta dropped to 145, so at least I didn't have to make the choice to terminate, it was made for me. I stop all the meds today and wait for probably the worst AF I'll ever have. I have a repeat beta next Wed to see how far my levels have dropped. Our phone consult with our RE is set for July 8. I can't believe it's so far away. Our 5 year anniversary is on July 2. We're going to Charleston for a night, the place we met and married and then on to see my parents and some of my relatives. I was hoping this would be our first anniversary as expectant parents, well there's goes that dream. So I guess we will start IVF#2 in a few months. I'm sure I'll have to wait a few weeks for AF to even shown, then I guess I may have to wait another cycle before I start BCPs again, I'm not really sure. I guess when AF shows I'll call and find out. But with my luck they will make me wait another cycle before I even start the pill again. This wasn't how I even imagined our first attempt at IVF would go. Guess I should have realized with out luck thus far that something was bound to go wrong. It was inevitable. Nothing is ever going to be handed to us, especially a baby.

Thank you all for your love and support. I'll actually be on here more now and be staying away from BabyCenter. The IVF group I belong to has so many freaking BFPs (3 sets of twins) and many that are already moms, it's just a bad place for me to be, even if I'm just lurking. Love to you all. I'll make it somehow.

Being Real

This is it. One more beta on Wed and then it will finally be over. I am preparing for the worst and being realistic. The likelihood this is not a viable pregnancy is very high its the truth no way around it. In almost 6 days my beta went from 103 to only 165. I cant help but know that this isnt normal. Theres something very wrong and theres nothing I can do about it. I hate everything about IVF. It gave me hope. I had 11 embryos and there are 0 left. None. My biggest fear has come true. I know theres something wrong with my eggs. What else could explain it. 11 embryos dont just die for no reason. I will find out why. I have to know. Id rather find out that my eggs are screwed up than go thru another miscarriage. I was happy for less than 48 hours and that joy was ripped away. I will be changed by this. Theres no way around that. Ive lost a little more of the minimal hope that I have. When will it all run out?

Devestated

My 2nd beta was only 119 after 2 full days. I'm just numb. I have to go back and get a 3rd one on Monday and then just hope for the best. There's nothing more I can do but pray.

Finally!

Got the confirmation. Beta was 103 and my Prog and Estrogen are all good! I'm thinking only one cooking, but that it fine by me. I just can't believe it's finally happened. Thank you all for supporting me and building me up when I've been so down. I wouldn't have made it without all of your support. Love to you all!

Is It Real?

Well I know I've been MIA since my FET, guess I just kind of wanted to take everything in. When we got there, the doctor took us back and told us that they had to un-thaw all 9 of our frozen embryos. I couldn't believe it. Then the worst news only 2 survived til Day 7. They were Stage 3 Blasts, which we were told is very good. But all I kept thinking was, they are all gone, there's nothing left. So I had the transfer and cried afterwards. I was just so overwhelmed. But I kept telling myself, there are 2 strong ones in you, keep remembering that. So yesterday morning, 6 days post, I used a FRER, and within a minute saw a faint 2nd line. This morning that 2nd line was darker, and then just a little while ago I took this. Is it real? My beta isn't until Thursday (10dpt), but I'm gonna call and see if I can get one earlier.

Bittersweet

Things have been kind of hard the past few days. Our best "couple" friends had their baby on Monday morning. She got PG the first month off BCPs, didn't have morning sickness, or any other complications during her pregnancy. We went to take care of their dogs on Sunday night at around 11pm then went back to the hospital to wait in the visitor area for a few hours. We took them some food and then went back to our place too sleep. I got up around 8am and went back to the hospital to wait with their families. Rob joined me for a few hours too. Their baby girl was born at 11:30am and weighed 8lb 3oz and is named Cadence (Cadie for short). I had to go to the school for a few hours then I went back to the hospital and finally got the chance to go meet her. I held her for a few moments and it was so surreal. All I kept thinking was am I ever going to get to hold my own child? She was so peaceful; teeny tiny fingernails, beautiful little lips, so innocent. I left the room when they needed to check her over and I haven't spoken to them since. Rob and I have texted them and called to give our congrats and even asked if they needed any help. Our friendship I don't think will ever be the same. They have a new little one to take care of, and all of their plans will be based around her. I certainly can't blame them b/c I know that's exactly what will happen when we have kids, but it's still bittersweet. I am happy for them, but I have to admit, I cried when I got home that day. I cried because I wished with all my heart that it was Rob and I in that hospital room with our baby, not them.

I know we are getting closer, day by day, to our FET, but it's still hard to keep waiting. We have our appt on June 1, it can't get here soon enough.

FET#1 Has Begun

Well I got a lovely surprise after speaking with one of my best friends about the woes of Aunt Flo. Unbeknownst (don't you just love that word) to me, AF decided to show up at 11pm that very night. I have never been so happy to see AF!! I called the RE the following morning and have set up my CD13 U/S and B/W for June 1, and they tentatively told me my FET will be on Monday June 7. Gosh, June can't get here quick enough.

Our beach trip was wonderful. It was so nice not to have to look at a clock and be on a time schedule. We had alot of fun fishing and just being together. Rob's mom got a little annoying after a while, especially when she tried to tell Rob and I that the name's we liked weren't that great because we needed a stronger first name to go with our weird last name. Uh, excuse me??? Where does she get off telling us what to name our hypothetical children?? Anyways, I just let it go, b/c I didn't want to get into a fight over it especially since they were allowing us to stay at their rented beach house without paying for anything except for all the food for the week. I have to be greatful for that. We wouldnt' have been able to go otherwise. When we got home I told Rob if she even thinks about telling me about names again, I will set her straight.

Anyways, only done one patch so far, but by the 1st I'll be up to 4 patches every 2 days. What I didn't know was that I'll be on the PIO shots and the patches for the first trimester. I thought I was only going to have to do the shots, but I guess not. Hey, it's certainly better than more shots, one in the butt is certainly enough everyday.