Will It Ever Go Away?

Things have been going okay this past week. Been really busy in the lab, but at the end of the day I look forward to hearing the LOs heartbeat. The past few days it's been a little more difficult to find. It's still really low near my pelvis, but I guess maybe it keeps moving around since there's so much room. I can't say that it doesn't scare me when after 30 minutes of searching I still haven't found it, but when I do I give a huge sigh of relief. I've been worrying alot lately about something going wrong. I don't know if it's because I'm still 2 weeks away from the 2nd trimester or if it's just my dreaded anxiety acting up like it always does. On February 13, I'll be exactly 13 weeks. Kind of fitting, don't you think? I asked R last night if I could go ahead and do the NT scan. We had opted not to because of the cost. Since I'm not high risk, they don't cover the early scans. So far I haven't had to pay even a co-pay for my visits. Trust me I always ask how much I owe, because I don't want to be swamped with a crazy bill out of the blue. We talked about it, but he said he had to tell me No because of the cost. I understand, but I just don't see how I'm supposed to wait at least another 7-8 weeks before having another U/S. Being at an RE spoiled me in that regard. It's harder than I thought going months without getting to have an U/S. I mean I know the OB is just treating me like all the other PGers, nothing is going to be different for me, but I guess it takes some adjustment once you get thrust into this side of things. I start my new therapy sessions in a week and a half. I'll be going for treatments 2x a week for 10 weeks total. Hopefully the new technique I'll be trying out with the therapist will really help with my anxiety. If I could just shut my brain "OFF" sometimes, it would be alot easier. When I have even a moment that isn't occupied with lab work, then my mind goes right to the terrible what-if scenarios. I'm in a constant state of worry. I know this isn't healthy so I'm trying to find a solution and I'm hoping this might be it. I'll be 11 weeks this weekend. I'm counting down the days until 13 weeks and my next OB appt.

ICLW Jan 2011

Hi everyone! Hope you had a great start to the new year. 2010 was certainly not what I expected, but it ended on a wonderful note. We've been trying since May 2007 for our first child. We tried for over a year, before my GYN would even take any notice. I ended up doing 8 months of Clomid, to absolutely no avail. I even realized quite early on that I wasn't ovulating even when on the meds. Fast forward a few months and I basically self-diagnosed myself with Hypothyroid. It took about 2 months for my bloodwork to show what I already new. I started Synthroid and Cytomel and waited some more. I gave up on my GYN and any hope that Clomid would work and decided to see an Environmental Medicine Endocrinologist for my thyroid. He did lots of tests and put me back on allergy shots. Within 2 months I was ovulating on my own. We tried for a few more months, but nothing happened.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and signed myself up with an RE I had heard about through my GYN. We finally did another SA (we had one done previously just on counts and everything was "Normal"). This time we did more extensive testing and were finally told that we had a severe MFI issue and that we stood a less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally. We immediately started IUIs and did 3 of those back to back. Not even the hint of a BFP. We knew IVF was imminent, so we starting preparing for it in early 2010. We did our first IVF and I got 18 eggs and 16 embryos. We did a Day 7 transfer of 2 and got a BFN. A month later we did a Day 5 FET with 2 and I got my first ever BFP (urine and blood). Unfortunately by the 2nd beta, my levels weren't increasing properly and within a week they started dropping, I was absolutely devestated. By this time we had no embryos left. They used all of them just to try and get some to develop for a few days. Most of them started arresting or just stopped growing all together. Our RE said that he though we also had an "Egg Issue" and that donor egg might be in our future. We took about two month off and geared up for IVF#2. We retrieved 20 eggs and made 18 embryos. We did a Day 5 transfer with 2 (allowed 10 to grow until this day and froze 8 on Day 2). By Day 5 we only had 2 to transfer. We were told they looked wonderful. I got another BFP (urine and blood), but unfortunately the same thing as before happened. My levels never increased properly and I knew I had lost it again. We waited another month and went forward with another FET. This time we asked to do an early Day 3 transfer in the hopes that more of the embryos would survive. We only had to thaw 3/8 and we transferred 3 on Day 3. I had a really amazing first beta of 293, but 2 days later it only increased to 407. I couldn't believe it, but I held on for several more days and had a repeat done. By some miracle of God my levels increased to 1664 and we were finally able to schedule an U/S.

At our first U/S on Dec 29, 2010, we saw one beautiful sac and heard a heartbeat of 120. It was amazing! It was a wonderful end to a really hard year. So far everything is progressing really well and I'll be 10 weeks this weekend. I listen to the heartbeat on our at home doppler once a night and just can't get over that this is really happening. It still seems surreal and my anxiety hasn't gone away even though I'm finally pregnant.

Infertilify has been a huge part of my life, but I wouldn't change a thing. We're expecting our little miracle August 21, 2011. I wish all of you the best in your struggles to conceive and for those of you that finally have your miracles that your pregnancy continues to go well. I look forward to reading all of your blogs and getting to know you better. Feel free to ask any questions, I'm an open book! ((HUGS))

First OB Visit

Well things went well yesterday. It wasn't quite what I expected, I guess. It was a really long appointment. They first took me back for another u/s. Measuring 9w3d, still one day ahead. HR was 158bpm, so it's slowed since last week's 180bpm. LO was moving around alot which was neat to see. The u/s was really quick, got some more picks but they aren't as good as the one's my RE took. They then sent me back out into the waiting room for another 20 minutes. I was finally called back for the BP and weight check. Then they told me to strip completely down since I was going to have to do a pap and breast exam. The OB (who isn't our doctor, he had a funeral to go to) came in and said I'd have to wait for a pap b/c of all the progesterone inserts, totally fine with me. If I could get away without one that would even be better. I guess I'm just scared of anything going near my cervix at this point, but I know they have to do it since I haven't had a recent one at the REs, pretty pissed about that. The RE could easily have done one and saved me the trouble of doing one now. The OB didn't even check me over, so I was sitting there butt-naked and I didn't even get an exam. My next appt is Feb 15, with our actual OB. I'm so scared that we won't get another u/s until I'm 18 weeks. We'll get an anatomy scan then too, which will be cool to know the gender early. I got a fetal doppler a few weeks ago and was able to hear the heartbeat at home for the first time on Sunday. It will certainly be a life-saver while I'm waiting between appts. I know if I can't find the HB, I'll probably be anxious, but not hearing it for another month is more anxious to me than not finding it. Plus I figure if I really ask nicely I might be able to get in to hear the heartbeat before my appts. I think I'll be okay.

My MIL is still going nuts and already looking at baby stuff. I told her yesterday she needs to really hold off because we aren't telling anyone else until I reach 13 weeks and get through my next OB appt. Even then we aren't buying anything until we know the gender and it will probably be some small stuff, nothing like furniture or anything. With the prospect of moving come the end of August or early September, I'm hesitant to buy alot of furniture we'll probably just have to keep in boxes for a while. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a post-doc position. I've decided not to tell any prospective employers b/c I know it would have an effect on whether I'm hired or not. I won't even tell them until I reach the second trimester just because I don't want to jinx things.

I'm doing well otherwise. Still going to therapy and I'm even starting something new called neurofeedback. It's a way to hopefully change my brain waves into thinking less "anxiously" during most situations. My brain is always "ON" and I'm thinking about a million scenarios at any given moment. I'm hoping it will be helpful since I refuse to be on any kind of medication during the pregnancy. It's just too risky, so I figured it would be best to try and find a more natural alternative. I still worry constantly about something going wrong. I'm so used to things not going the way I'd hoped they would. Even though I'm on "this side" of the wall, I still sometimes feel like an imposter. Sometimes it still doesn't even feel real. Like I see the baby on the u/s images and I can hear the heartbeat, but it still doesn't feel like that's really inside me. I don't know if things will change when I finally feel movement or we get to find out the gender or if I'm just trying to still protect myself in case of disappointment. We've decided not to do the NT scan and will do 2nd trimester screening instead. No matter what happens we wouldn't change a thing, and I think knowing early on that something might be wrong would just cause me too much anxiety and stress. The tests aren't 100% accurate either, but I guess I'd like to be prepared just in case.

I know I've probably lost some readers already, but I completely understand. When I was still going through treatments, I couldn't read any pregnancy or parenting blogs, it was just too painful. Just know that I still care and am still pulling for everyone. IF is always going to be a part of my life, it's certainly changed me. This pregnancy won't be the same as other people's because I went through some much to get here. Lots of love to everyone. Here's the latest pics.

Graduation

Well I had my U/S a day early b/c my RE isn't going to be there tomorrow. I'm measuring ahead one day 8w3d. Heartrate was measuring 180bpm, super fast! Looks like a little gummy bear with arms and legs. We got to see it move around and also he zoomed in on the placenta and saw the blood rushing in and out of the coils. That was amazing! He told me I graduate today, which I wasn't prepared for. I stop PIO tomorrow and have started Endometrin, not fun to say the least. I'm starting to taper everything off every Sunday when I change weeks. So exactly 12 weeks I'll be off all meds. YAY! I'm still tired, peeing all the time, and certain foods turn me off, but NO M/S, which is still a blessing. Sometimes it's a little disconcerting, but I'll except it as a gift for all the crap we've been through! Here's some pics for your viewing pleasure! Love you all!

It's A Monday!

Yeah, so I totally hate Mondays, with a passion. Even though this is the first Monday of the year, and I hope it's going to be an amazing year, it never ceases to amaze me how truly shitty Monday's can be. There's a prof I'm dealing with that has serious issues with me, and the feeling is mutual. I worked in her lab my very first year at grad school and since then she has yet to write up all of the data I gathered for a paper. Finally she's making an effort to do it, and now she has "issues" with some of my data. Evidently a data point that I gathered (repeated 2 times) doesn't "add up" to her. She went to my major prof and told him, "I don't trust her data and don't want to use it." Which my prof replied, "If you don't use her data, you don't use anything from our lab." Meaning, any data she's gathered that has anything to do with tissues taken from our lab is off limits for her use, without his permission. Thank God my prof went to bat for me. But seriously, I can't believe she's doing this. I worked my A** off for her for a year and now she's clamining my data sucks. Well screw her!! She's a total B anyways!

I went and spoke with another prof, whose on my committee and actually went through IF (even went to my same RE, go figure) and she told me to just forget her! She has no voting power on my committee so she technically can't do anything that would jeopardize my graduating on time in August. She also told me she would fight for me as well, if it came down to it. I was so appreciative, it mean alot that she would do that. She even made some snide remarks about the women too, so I know she doesn't think very highly of her.

Unfortunately, I still have a few things I have to do in this women's lab, using some of her equipment. I'm trying to finish as quickly as I can so I don't have to have anymore contact than usual with her. I just really don't need this added stress.

As for little bean, things seem to be going well. I still don't have any M/S, which in a way is not comforting, but in a way I'm thankful for it. I'm craving lots of salty foods right now and don't really care for sweets, which is highly unusual. I get headaches every day and I could probably sleep a total of 22 hours a day, and still not be able to function. Still peeing pretty regularly. I just can't wait until next Wed for our next glimpse. I'm nervous because last week a girl from BBC went to her 8 week u/s and there wasn't a heartbeat. Crap like this scares me and I should probably stay away from BBC because of it. I just don't know what I would do if I lost this LO. I'm already so in love as it is.