First OB Visit

Well things went well yesterday. It wasn't quite what I expected, I guess. It was a really long appointment. They first took me back for another u/s. Measuring 9w3d, still one day ahead. HR was 158bpm, so it's slowed since last week's 180bpm. LO was moving around alot which was neat to see. The u/s was really quick, got some more picks but they aren't as good as the one's my RE took. They then sent me back out into the waiting room for another 20 minutes. I was finally called back for the BP and weight check. Then they told me to strip completely down since I was going to have to do a pap and breast exam. The OB (who isn't our doctor, he had a funeral to go to) came in and said I'd have to wait for a pap b/c of all the progesterone inserts, totally fine with me. If I could get away without one that would even be better. I guess I'm just scared of anything going near my cervix at this point, but I know they have to do it since I haven't had a recent one at the REs, pretty pissed about that. The RE could easily have done one and saved me the trouble of doing one now. The OB didn't even check me over, so I was sitting there butt-naked and I didn't even get an exam. My next appt is Feb 15, with our actual OB. I'm so scared that we won't get another u/s until I'm 18 weeks. We'll get an anatomy scan then too, which will be cool to know the gender early. I got a fetal doppler a few weeks ago and was able to hear the heartbeat at home for the first time on Sunday. It will certainly be a life-saver while I'm waiting between appts. I know if I can't find the HB, I'll probably be anxious, but not hearing it for another month is more anxious to me than not finding it. Plus I figure if I really ask nicely I might be able to get in to hear the heartbeat before my appts. I think I'll be okay.

My MIL is still going nuts and already looking at baby stuff. I told her yesterday she needs to really hold off because we aren't telling anyone else until I reach 13 weeks and get through my next OB appt. Even then we aren't buying anything until we know the gender and it will probably be some small stuff, nothing like furniture or anything. With the prospect of moving come the end of August or early September, I'm hesitant to buy alot of furniture we'll probably just have to keep in boxes for a while. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a post-doc position. I've decided not to tell any prospective employers b/c I know it would have an effect on whether I'm hired or not. I won't even tell them until I reach the second trimester just because I don't want to jinx things.

I'm doing well otherwise. Still going to therapy and I'm even starting something new called neurofeedback. It's a way to hopefully change my brain waves into thinking less "anxiously" during most situations. My brain is always "ON" and I'm thinking about a million scenarios at any given moment. I'm hoping it will be helpful since I refuse to be on any kind of medication during the pregnancy. It's just too risky, so I figured it would be best to try and find a more natural alternative. I still worry constantly about something going wrong. I'm so used to things not going the way I'd hoped they would. Even though I'm on "this side" of the wall, I still sometimes feel like an imposter. Sometimes it still doesn't even feel real. Like I see the baby on the u/s images and I can hear the heartbeat, but it still doesn't feel like that's really inside me. I don't know if things will change when I finally feel movement or we get to find out the gender or if I'm just trying to still protect myself in case of disappointment. We've decided not to do the NT scan and will do 2nd trimester screening instead. No matter what happens we wouldn't change a thing, and I think knowing early on that something might be wrong would just cause me too much anxiety and stress. The tests aren't 100% accurate either, but I guess I'd like to be prepared just in case.

I know I've probably lost some readers already, but I completely understand. When I was still going through treatments, I couldn't read any pregnancy or parenting blogs, it was just too painful. Just know that I still care and am still pulling for everyone. IF is always going to be a part of my life, it's certainly changed me. This pregnancy won't be the same as other people's because I went through some much to get here. Lots of love to everyone. Here's the latest pics.