She's Here!

Finally after almost 7 weeks, AF arrived! Yey. That means I start BCPs and stay on them for 3 weeks. My IVF start appointment is September 7; which is less than a month away. Finally!!! It feels like I've been waiting forever to start again. I'm going to be using the same meds which is wonderful because I still have a ton leftover. That means I only have to buy Lupron, HCG, some Progesterone and a few boxes of Bravelle, perfect! I'm looking forward to finally getting on the IVF train again. Hoping this time it works out!

Trying Something New

I decided last week that since I knew I was going to be moving forward with another IVF after I got my test results back that I was going to look into trying acupuncture. Well today I went ahead and called a clinic and I have my first consult on Thursday. I'm actually kind of excited about it. It's going to be kind of pricey, but at this point I'm willing to do anything to improve my chances. AF still hasn't shown up yet, which has me bummed. I feel like I'm always waiting around for my body to catch up to what my mind wants to do. It's so freaking ridiculous sometimes. I think if I read CD40, I may call the RE and ask for some promera. Anyways, not much else going on. Just waiting around, as usual.

Results-Normal

I finally got the call yesterday with my results. No blood clot disorders and my chromosome analysis came back Normal. This is great news, but on the other hand there's still no explanation for why our embies arrested and I m/c so early. I know with IF sometimes there's never an answer, but gosh I just wanted something to explain it. It's always easier to feel like there's something that can be fixed. I did get the confirmation that once AF comes again I can start BCPs again. That means IVF#2 will probably be in September. I can't believe I'm going thru this all over again. I'm scared. I just don't want the same thing to happen; it would be devestating. I know we still have 2 tries left before we have to consider other options, but just knowing that we already had such a bad first attempt makes me worried about what this next go round will be like. My RE even said in his opinion what happens the first time usually happens again. He wasn't very positive, but ultimately unless he says we can't try again, it's up to us. So now I wait yet again for AF to come; freakin' story of my life.

Bled Dry

Well I went in on Tuesday morning to the hospital and got the blood drawn for all the tests my RE ordered. I was there for almost an hour and a half (the only one) while the nurses figured out the order. The nurse even had to call my REs office to get confirmation on one of the tests he ordered because they'd never done it before. Even one of the tests isn't available, so it beats me what he's looking for. Anyway they finally got things straight and they took 13 vials of blood. Gosh that was more than any of the early IF screening I had to do. It was ridiculous, but it's done and now the waiting for the results begins. I'll probably call my RE in about 2 weeks to see what's come in and how many tests they're still waiting on. My RE doesn't want to go over anything until he's got all the results back. Ugh and here I thought I was done with all the waiting, certainly wrong there.

Twisted and Torn

I guess I was kind of all gung-ho about possibly doing donor just so our chances would be better, but after having a few nights to sleep on it; I'm NOT ready. I talked with a nurse on Friday and she ordered all of the labwork; we're doing a miscarriage panel and several other genetic tests. She also reiterated what I already knew that there's no way to test the quality of the eggs. You just have to fertilize and wait and see. So I guess scientists can test sperm all day long, but haven't figured out how to test eggs? Interesting...

The nurse also told me they didn't want to put me in touch with the donor nurse yet until we get all the bloodwork results back, which could take weeks. I think I've decided to wait and see how the results turn out and unless there's something that gives us a reason why we shouldn't use my eggs, I want to try again. I mean we paid for 3 tries, we've done 1, so we've got 2 left. Only problem is in our agreement if the doctor's don't think you can carry a child or if they find any other reason to not agree you should move forward, they can choose to remove us from the shared-risk program. That would be so devestating to me. I think though, if I really talk to my RE about how we feel about everything I could get him to agree to at least one more try. I'm just not ready to give up on having a child that's biologically ours. I have tons of flaws and there's alot of bad stuff as far as depression, anxiety, alchoholism, substance abuse, high cholesterol, obesity, hypothyroidism, and now infertility on my side of the family. But aren't there these kinds of things in most families? Yes, I know there's alot more, but until the doctor's tell me I've got some life-threatening condition that I could pass on to my kids or some kind of genetic defect that would cause major issues, I guess I'm still willing to take a chance.

Hopefully I'll get the lab orders by Monday and we can start waiting again for more results.

The Problem Is Your Eggs

Yep, that's what the RE said. Was I expecting it? No. Am I starting to feel a little more okay about it? Yes. We were already prepared to possibly use donor sperm, well it just got switched on us. In all honesty we just want to be parents. And at this point I don't care how it happens. I don't even know if I really even care all that much about being pregnant. Sure I would love to go thru the experience, but if it isn't in the cards for us, I think I'm more prepared for it now that we've gone thru a failed IVF. We tried everything and I feel like there wasn't much more we could do. I will be doing some bloodwork to check for clotting disorders and also do a chromosome analysis on me. But even if the results come back ok, I just don't know if I'm prepared to go thru another IVF attempt, when the likelihood the results will be same is pretty high. I'm hoping I can get some answers from the donor nurse in the morning. I have no idea how this will play into the cost of everything. I looked online and the donor-egg shared risk program is like $27,500. S**T!!! But if after the 3rd attempt you still don't have a baby (live), then you get 100% back, which is nice. I just don't think we'd be able to come up with the money. We're already straped enough as it is, with paying for 2 loans for what we had to borrow for the shared risk program we already belong to. I'm hoping they can come up with some kind of plan that would just use some of the money we've already spent so we won't have to come up with more. Gosh this sucks! Welcome to the world of infertility.....

100

Well I guess this is a milestone, I finally hit 100 posts. I wish this one was going to be more enthusiastic or that I was going on about how happy I was to be pregnant, but that's not the case. AF started on Monday night and has been really really painful. This might be TMI so if you don't want to read I understand. I passed a huge clot today and inside of it was a little cyst with a very small dark spot. I'm positive this was my embryo. I've never ever had anything like that before with any AF I've had these past 3 years. God, it made it so real. I just couldn't believe it. I said a prayer for my little embie.

I have another beta in the morning to see if my levels have dropped properly. If they have there's a chance the nurse may give me the go ahead to start BCPs again. I'd feel alot better and more optimistic if we went ahead and got going again. I know I need the rest, but honestly I was hardly 5 weeks and to me moving forward helps me heal more than anything else. Unfortunately if my number isn't good I may be forced to do the dreaded "Shot". We were planning on going to Charleston and to see my parents this weekend for our 5th Anniversary. We are hoping to leave Wed night and come back on Monday, but if the levels aren't down then my trip will be cancelled so I can get the shot and do more bloodwork. I'm praying this doesn't happen, Rob and I need this time away. Even if part of it is spent with my parents who drive me nuts, it's still nice to just get away. Here's hoping we get some good news for once.