Wholeheartedly

Day By Day

2011-11-28T14:11:00.000-05:00

I feel like time has just flown by. These past two months seem to have gone by in just a flash. Liam has started daycare and I've started back to work full-time and it seems like each day is just as draining as the last. I have a very long commute into work, almost an hour and a half on two buses and two trains. I get up at 4:30 every morning to pump, get to the bus by 6:15 and get to work by 7:45. I work until 3pm so that I can make the trip back home in enough time to pick up Liam from daycare. If I worked any later than that I would still be able to pick him up, but by the time I'd bring him home it would be time for him to go to bed. I feel like no matter how much I sleep I just can't seem to catch up. Rob works most evenings and practically every weekend, which means that on my days off I take care of the baby from morning til he goes to bed. I feel like a single parent most days and my relationship with Rob has certainly changed. Sometimes I feel like we are just passing each other by and that we're more like roomies than husband and wife. I haven't wanted to have sex in a very long time and I know it's a very important part of our marriage, but I just don't want to do it just to do it to get him off my back. I know that would mean putting his needs before my own, but I don't want to fake it. I'm so exhausted every single day that all I want to do is go to bed. I've been moody and crying alot lately mostly because I'm just feeling very overwhelmed with work and with taking care of Liam. I feel like I can't get anything done lately. I'm just going through the motions trying to keep my head above water. When I do have some free time, which is rare, I have to do chores or work on things for the lab. I just didn't realize how demanding all of this was going to be and it's a rather rude awakening.

Liam is doing well for the most part. He was diagnosed with reflux a few weeks ago and has been on meds ever since. He started spitting up constantly and just wasn't happy. I took him in several times to the pediatrician and he just wasn't gaining weight at all. He was eating 30oz of breastmilk everyday and still wasn't gaining. I felt like a failure as a mother because my milk just wasn't enough for him. We started him on rice cereal in every bottle and he finally started putting on some weight, but a week ago at daycare he started getting very fussy again and wanting to eat every 1 1/2 hours. The ladies at daycare suggested that he just wasn't being satified on my milk and that maybe we should start supplementing with formula. I relented and we started mixing 1/2 soy formula into every bottle, still adding rice as well. He seems to do somewhat better, but he's still spitting up alot, at least he did yesterday. His 4mo appt is on Dec 19, so I'm anxious to see how his weight is doing but also talk to the ped about what to do next. If he doesn't start keeping things down, then there has to be something more to do. He's a happy spitter and not really in any discomfort, but when he spits up even while being upright, even after an hour or more past a bottle, something is certainly wrong. I'm hoping he'll grow out of this and maybe it's just a developmental delay in his GI tract, but I just want him well.

I really want him to continue on breastmilk and I'm thankful I got him to 3mo at least without having to supplement, but honestly I'm worried that I should have started formula early then maybe he wouldn't have the issues with his weight. I still think there's benefits to him being on breastmilk for as long as possible. He hasn't gotten sick yet and I'm very thankful for that, especially since I was expecting him to get something from daycare by now. I'm down to 4 pumps per day and am freezing alot still. I was pumping 2 times at work, but that became impossible, so I had to drop one pump. It was easier than I thought, but I'm worried that it's going to be pretty hard to drop down below 4. I feel like I'm alone as far as continuing with breastmilk. I have to practically beg someone to watch him while I pump if we are with family. Rob is somewhat supportive but he thinks it takes too much of my time and that I'd be happier if I stopped. In a way I probably would, but I feel like at least this is something good that I can do for him still. I didn't think I would be able to produce enough for him and now I'm more than able to. I'm just going to stick it out and see what the ped says and if she thinks it would be best for me to quit and for him to be on a more hypoallergenic formula then so be it. He's developing so well though. He started rolling from tummy to back almost two weeks ago and just yesterday he started laughing. I look at him and just have to smile. He's amazing in every way and I would be lost without him. Even though things have been tough lately I wouldn't have it any other way. He means the world to me and I would do anything for him. No matter how little sleep I get or how hard it is just to get through the day, I look forward to seeing him and spending time with him.

One Month

2011-09-17T09:57:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to post or blog because we turned off our internet. Things have been going pretty well. Liam is still having issues really late at night just being unconsolable. He is exclusively on breastmilk now, which I'm rather proud of. He eats about 3.5oz per feeding about 6-7 times a day. Last night we ended up giving him about 4.5oz at his early morning feeding and I guess that was enough to let him skip another morning feeding. He usually goes down around 9-10pm and sleeps until 2am, then eats again and is up almost every 3 hours after that. But Rob decided since he was crying his head off after eating/being changed, he might still be hungry so we tried some more and he took it down no problems and slept in until 6:45am. I think we're going to try giving him 4oz for his last bottle and see if that lets him sleep longer and then try another 4oz at his early morning feeding. I just don't want to over-feed him and make him sick. We just transitioned from 3oz bottles to 3.5oz bottles over the past week or so. But if he needs more then I certainly want him to have it. I'm exclusively pumping all of his milk now and I'm actually able to save some in the freezer each day. I could probably save more than I do, but I like to be about 2-3 bottles ahead just in case I can't pump or something happens with my supply. I BF him every now and then, but he gets so freaking hot and sweaty laying on me and then he takes almost an hour or more per side and honestly giving him a bottle for 30 minutes seems alot easier. I enjoy BF him, it certainly feels better than pumping, but I don't know, I may just do it every now and then to console him or if I just can't find the time to pump and it's time for him to eat. That's what happened yesterday.

He's so much more awake now it's crazy. He hardly takes any naps during the day which means I get absolutely nothing done. Rob and I have been fighting alot more mostly about not having enough time in the mornings for us to get what we need to done before he leaves for work. I think he resents me needing the time to pump, but I'm going to stand my ground on that and keep it up for as long as I can. I don't know what will happen when I start work, but I'll cross that bridge when it comes. Rob claims that if he watched him all day he'd have all the laundry done and the house clean and do it with a smile. I told him try me. So we'll see if his next day off he's willing to take care of him solely.

Rob still doesn't have confirmation on a job in ATL. We close on the house on Sept 28, and we still don't have a place to live. We can't commit to a rental until he has a position up there. We have an offer to stay with a friend for free with all of our animals for as long as we need. She's an older woman that I met at school and her kids are all grown and gone, so she has a huge home and tons of empty rooms. If it comes to us having to move in with her temporarily it will be a blessing just so that we can save up some money. Rob should hear something the end of next week on the 23 about a potential job. If that falls thru and the other position he's interviewed for doesn't work, I have no idea what we're going to do. I'm scared out of my mind, but it is what it is. Worst case scenario we either live apart for a little while or he quits his job to stay at home allowing me to start my job. Please pray he gets either of the jobs, we need this desperately! We are going back to ATL for the day on Wed to look at a few more rentals, just to see. We looked on Thursday and everything was such crap it was so upsetting. The one house we liked was in a sketchy neighborhood and when I saw 2 pit-bull mixes tied to a tree next door, that house was off the list. I'm hoping things fall into place at the last minute, they seem to do that for us alot lately. It will be nice to be done with selling the home, but the not knowing what's next is killing me.

Birth and Boobies

2011-08-27T14:35:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone, I know it's been a while since my last update about going in for a C-section, but I've been busy with the new little guy to say the least. The C-section itself was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. They did a spinal block instead of an epidural and honestly I was more scared of this than the surgery itself. I had an amazing set of nurses and anesthesiologists and they made it a really great experience. It was very surreal not being able to feel my legs, but you just kind of block it out and focus on the outcome. Plus I had people talking to me constantly and Rob was able to come in after about 20min. When they finally pulled Liam out, he kind of just gurgled from all the fluid, but when I finally heard his first cry, everything that I had been through these past four years to bring him into the world was totally and completely worth every heartbreaking moment. He's perfect in every way. He has my nose and chin and Rob's eyes and mouth. It's amazing that he looks like a perfect combination of both of us. He weighed a healthy 9lb 5oz and was 20.5in long.

The recovery from the surgery was anything but fun. It was extremely painful and there were times I was in so much pain I was shaking and crying uncontrollably. We were in the hospital from Wed to Sat afternoon before being released and by Sunday I had finally weaned myself off of the pain meds. I'm still having problems with my bowels, mostly weird pulling and stretching that is painful when I go, but I've been told it's normal, so I'm trying to just deal with it. What I wasn't aware of was that I would still bleed even though I had a c-section. It makes sense, but no one ever told me about it. Kind of weird having this visitor around that I haven't seen since last Nov. Can't say that I've missed her!

While in the hospital I tried my best to BF. By Friday Liam had lost almost a whole pound and they were adamant that I start supplementing, so we started him on Si.milac formula. I started pumping on Sunday and by Monday my milk had finally come in. I was told b/c of being Hypothyroid my supply would be compromised and may never get very high which wasn't comforting to hear, but I understood there wasn't much I could do to change it. They rechecked my Thyroid levels in the hospital and everything came back normal, so I'm ok there. I've been trying to pump 10-15 min, double pump, up to 8 times a day. So far since Monday I'm up from just drops to about 8oz in a day. This isn't much at all, but I'm trying my absolute best to do whatever I can to help inc my supply. I drinking Mother's Milk Tea every morning, eating oatmeal every morning, and taking Fenugreek 2 times per day (I may up it to 3 to see if it helps). I asked the OB about any prescriptions that could help and they said they don't offer or approve of anything (even though I know there are some available that "might" help). I'm frustrated and upset about not being able to do this one thing for Liam, but it goes back to my body never living up to my expectations. I'm trying to let him BF some too during the day before and after I pump to maybe help inc my supply too. I really do enjoy it, but it's also been nice to let Rob bond with him over feedings. I'm also able to help with all the laundry and keeping the house in order more since I'm not BF him constantly. Yes I do miss it, but I think this is what is going to work best for us at least for now. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do this, because eventually his needs will certainly outgrow my supply, but I'm going to give him every single drop I can produce in the hopes that he's getting some benefit from it even if it's small. Any advice from those of you that pump would be appreciated! Hugs everyone and I'll try and post a pic soon.

Scheduled C-Section

2011-08-16T20:36:00.000-04:00

Well we are going to meet our little boy tomorrow morning. I'm scheduled for a c-section due to his size and my high BP issues. My last appt went well, it was really long. We got one last look at him and even got a few more 3D pics. Based on measurements he's well over 9lbs and in the 95% and higher for weight, head/abdomen circumference, and femur length. He's going to be big and long! My BP was still too high even though I've been resting constantly for the past 2 weeks straight. When I was checked my cervix has shortened some, but other than that no more progress. If we were going to induce he said we'd probably wait a while longer and even then there's no guarantee I'd progress. He also said of course the longer we wait the bigger he's going to get. I don't want any emergency situations occuring. I honestly feel good about our decision to go forward with a c-section. Yes I'm scared, yes I'm sad that I couldn't go through with a vag delivery. But honestly, I'm happy that my vag isn't going to be in shreds after delivering this guy. I know my recovery is going to be alot more difficult, but I'm going to have lots of help, so it will all work out in the end. Will update when I can.

Not What I Expected

2011-08-03T18:47:00.000-04:00

So my appointment on Monday at 37wk showed that I didn't progress much from the previous week. I'm at 0 station and about 1/2-1cm dilated, the OB kind of gave me that. My BP was higher than normal for me but the nurse just brushed it off. So yesterday at about 4pm I started having contractions, like the braxton hicks but this time accompanied with some cramping. Only problem was they came every 4-6 minutes. I monitored up until 8pm, same thing for 4 hours straight. So I decided to go into triage, to get checked. No change from Monday, was having some "minor" contractions but they basically told me not to come back unless they are bad enough that I can't walk/talk while having one. Okay, got it. However, while they were monitoring me my BP was pretty high, highest they got was 142/95. Not good. So they did bloodwork, that came back normal. So they released me but made me do a 24hr urine collection, which I'll finish tomorrow morning. If the results are bad, then I could be induced early. Today I've been on self-imposed bedrest. My last day at the lab was yesterday before the contractions started, so I'm glad I made that decision.

As far as the house, we just got through all the inspections. Unfortunately we didn't pass our WDO and there's stuff that was found on the home inspection, but I should have been prepared for it. Hopefully some things well be able to fix ourselves and the others well just have to pay to get done. I don't think I realized that we would have to basically PAY to sell our home, but in this economy that's the norm I guess. We are basically, once all is said and done, starting out completely broke in ATL. We're going to have to rely on our parents because in all honesty with the repairs and closing costs totalling close to $15000 (this includes what we still owe on our mortgage), we will basically have nothing left. I'm scared beyond measure. I'm upset that we weren't able to get more for our home, but I understand that we are beyond lucky to even be under contract right now. I know that we'll make it somehow. No matter what I will provide for this child and Rob will too. It's going to be a new chapter in our lives and I guess starting out completely "fresh" in a way, will force us to make alot of changes. We certainly won't be buying a home anytime soon. Like probably not for another 5 years or more, it's just not worth it right now. We should be finished paying off our IVF loans and car loan within 4 years, and I think once that happens it will certainly be alot better than it is. Plus since I'll be making almost double what I made as a grad student, at least we'll be pulling in more that we ever have with 2 salaries.

I'm just taking it one day at a time and praying along the way. I know things will be okay, but it still doesn't mean I haven't lost sleep or cried about everything that has been going on. It's just alot to take in all at once right now.

Progress

2011-07-26T18:15:00.000-04:00

Had my 36wk appt today and we got another U/S. Baby is measuring 38-39weeks based on head/body/legs and est wt is 7lb12oz and I'm only 36w2d, just a little freaked out by how big he is, but happy he's healthy and doing well. I'm starting to retain alot of fluid, gaining alot of weight really quickly which hasn't happened at all during this preg until now. My BP and urine test were fine, but I'm worried about it still. OB said we need to just start "thinking" about what we might want to do if he doesn't come before 38 weeks or so. I want a vag delivery, but not sure if I want to deal with the possibility of alot of tearing. OB says his main concern is him getting stuck b/c of his shoulders. I was checked today and I'm already 80% effaced and he's completely engaged, not dilated yet, but he said it should be coming soon since he's so far down. I think I'm going to wait until my next appt on Mon see how I'm progressing and probably wait until 38wk before even considering induction or scheduling a c-section. I just want him to get here safely. Not really sure what to do at this point. I'm already starting to have alot of Braxton hicks, nothing painful though.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Just for a figure Rob was a c-section and weighed well over 10lbs at 39weeks. Sometimes even the est of wt is actually lower than the "real" figure, but he could weigh less too.

Contract

2011-07-21T11:38:00.000-04:00

Well we got word this morning that the buyer agreed to our terms. We are under contract. She now has 15 days to get her estimates on the second driveway. We have to get our WDO done and then the waiting begins again. Checking things off of the list and hoping the rest falls into place. So far so good!

Out of My Hands

2011-07-19T12:11:00.000-04:00

Well the weekend went much better than I expected it to go. My mom and MIL were very civil to each other. My family shower was very low-key, we had some good food and good conversation. I got alot of duplicate things, all of which came from Targe.t or BRU. I'll discuss what a joy it was returning everything later. That night the 3 of us went through all of the clothes and sorted things, it was a really nice time, and I'm surprised they did so well. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that we'll all be doing holidays together, but it's at least a start.

Somehow even though people new what we were registered for, I still got tons of duplicate items. I don't know if it just didn't get taken off my registry or if there is a delay from when the item is bought to when it's off the registry. All I know is that it was NOT an easy return process at either stores. Targe.t was the worst by far. You have to login with your user name and password to get a specific barcode (not just the registry barcode but something different). This is where the issue first started. I've been having problems with the online registry site for weeks. I logged into the kiosk like normal and it said it couldn't find my email. Then it said my password was incorrect. The guy helping said well you can use your ID but there's a $70 limit, we probably had well over $300 of returns unfortunately. I ended up having to get on my phone go to the website reset my password for the 3rd time and hope it worked. After about 30 minutes it finally did. We returned the 4 monitors (yes 4 of the same kind) and clothes that we already had, and were luckily able to get enough money to buy our crib, matress, and other necessities. We then went to BRU and did the same thing. Returning stuff there was a little bit easier, but of course they gave me issues about not having receipts. Unfortunately I think this is something people often forget when giving gifts, it helps tremendously if you have them. My parents were able to pay for the difference on our carseat/stroller, so we got that as well. We are officially set with pretty much everything we will need! Now I just have to get the carseat installed by the police/fire dept, wash all the clothes that he might fit in, and pack my bags.

Well we got another offer on the house, much more reasonable this time. But of course there's a catch. The lady wants to build a driveway from the front of our house to the back of the house. So the sale of the house is contigent on this being possible. Unfortunately I just don't think there's enough clearance on either side of the house for a driveway. It would be a really good thing if it worked out especially since she doesn't want to close until late September, but this stupid driveway is probably going to mess up the sale. Oh well. 2 offers in only a month is really good, but I'm worried that these might be the only ones we get. The lady had until tomorrow to accept or reject our counter offer and then start the process to get the necessary permits. I'm hoping that by the end of the week she'll know if putting a driveway in is even possible. If it isn't then there's no reason to get contractors involved to get estimates and we can go ahead and move on.

So lots going on yet again, but I feel like we're getting closer to a resolution with the house.

Waiting for the Calm

2011-07-12T12:06:00.001-04:00

Things have been crazy again these past few weeks. I successfully defended my dissertation, so I'm officially Dr. Melissa P., PhD! It was really really stressful, but I got through it and everything seems to be in order with my paperwork for graduation. I won't be walking in the ceremony, honestly I just don't want to sit through a 3-5 hour graduation ceremony and plus it costs like $250 to borrow a "robe" for the ceremony, not something I'm really willing to spend money on right now. I know it's only going to happen once, but there's so many more important things to deal with right now, I'm just letting it go.

Selling a home in this economy is pure HELL!! Add on being PG during this process and it's a total nightmare. We've had the house on the market for exactly one month and we've had two couples look at the house 2 times each and then one other couple from out of town come and look at it. This past Saturday we got our first offer. I was hoping it would be reasonable, but for some reason the couple who decided to put the offer in thought we were total idiots and gave us an offer of $40,000 LESS than our asking price (which mind you is the price we bought the house for 4 years ago). We are fully aware that we are not going to make any money off the sale of the house. At this point all we are trying to do is break even and get enough to cover our mortgage and be able to walk away. However, we have a limit that if we don't receive an offer for a certain amount the house will go into Short-Sale because we just don't have the extra money lying around to cover the leftover mortgage and the closing costs. Our realtor evidently didn't understand all of this even though we explained it to her countless times, that we have a certain amount we need to get for the home or it will go into short sale. We told her what was left on the mortgage so she knew what to expect. Somehow she wasn't "aware" of how dire the situation was and basically argued with me yesterday that we didn't tell her everything, which is completely absurd. She also said that we weren't going to get anywhere near asking, which is news to us, since she never told us this either. At some point if things don't turn around and she realizes she's working for us, not against us, she's going to be fired. She's the realtor who sold us the house, and we probably should have gotten someone different, but we liked her. We put in a counter offer last night for under our asking price, but I'm not expecting them to agree to it, especially after their first offer. Rob is trying to look into getting money out of his retirement, so that we could at least have some "extra" money to put towards the closing, so we can prevent a short-sale. Honestly the penalties for taking money out early seem to be less than the damage a short-sale will do to our credit. Basically we wouldn't be able to buy a home or car for at least 5 years, maybe longer if we have to resort to a short-sale. So for now we are just waiting to see what happens.

Everything is still going really well with the pregnancy. I have had a few episodes of major swelling, but it's mostly I think due to the heat. One time last weekend we went and saw a movie and during the movie my hands and feet got really swollen. It scared me bad enough that I went to a pharmacy near by to get my BP checked out. It was a little higher than normal for me, but still within the normal range. I'm still getting good movements, mostly in the morning when I'm waking up, when I'm hungry (or he's hungry) and late at night before bed. He moves here and there during the day too, but not as much as those times. There have been a few times where he was more active one day and then the next day he wasn't and I got really scared, but I'm just trying to take it day by day at this point. I go in for my 34-week check tomorrow. Anxious to see if I'm still measuring ahead like I have been, I'm pretty sure I am just don't know by how much. Can't believe that in two more weeks I'll get to start going weekly. I think once that happens I'll be getting more anxious and excited for the delivery.

I have my family baby shower on Saturday and both my parents and MIL and a family friend are coming to spend the night on Saturday. My parent's and his still don't get along at all, so it will be interesting to see if they can act civil towards one another. I'm sure I'll have an interesting post about all of that!

Catching My Breath

2011-05-27T11:33:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted, much less commented on what's going on in everyone's lives. I've just been so busy this past month, I just didn't make the time to post. I have been reading as much as I can, so I know the jist of what's going on with almost everyone. For the past four weeks I've been doing nothing but working in the lab, coming home and working until well after midnight on my dissertation, and if I find a few hours that I'm not doing either of these things trying to pack, paint, or clean our house so we can put it on the market asap. My dissertation was turned in on Monday, but unfortunately I'm so drained from that whole process I've been coming home from work and just vegging. I'm hoping this weekend to work more on the house. We've got a storage unit, so we're trying to pack up everything that doesn't need to be in the house. I can't believe we're going to be moving soon and that I might have an infant to take care of during a move, WTH was I thinking? Oh yeah, I need a job and I found one, just not one where we are now. Rob's having a hard time finding a transfer job up to ATL, but I'm hopeful that will fall into place when it's supposed to. I don't think I could bear him leaving to go up there to start a job early, while I'm stuck down here trying to sell the house, and go to all of my appts by myself. I know I would get through it, and I have enough of a support system with friends and family here in town that could help me, but I never sleep when he's not by me. Literally I become an insomniac and I become paranoid checking all the locks and doors, crazy I know, but he's my protector and always will be.

We've set a deadline for no later than June 6 to get the house on the market. I really wanted to have it done before then, but with trying to do everything while both of us are working, it's just been impossible. Tack on being pregnant and not being able to lift anything or paint huge rooms, I'm feeling pretty helpless. I have been helping with baseboards and some touch ups here and there, but I've been avoiding painting any of the rooms, I know it isn't completely unsafe, but I'm just being overly cautious at this point.

The baby is doing really really well. I had a scare with my glucose testing and failed my 1-hour test. Let me tell you how much fun that news was, while trying to finish my dissertation. I was a nervous wreck for days after that. Did my 3-hour test and was miserable for about a day afterwards. Luckily I passed all blood draws so who knows why I had the bad results for the 1-hour. I've also been dealing with some anxiety issues again. I'm still seeing a therapist every few weeks just to talk out my fears, but when the baby doesn't kick quite as much, I think the worst and it gets the best of me. My OB is so wonderful and any time I've voiced any kind of anxiety or possible issues, he's never hesitated to do a quick ultrasound to ease my fears.

I had a check up on Tuesday and the baby wasn't moving quite as much, so I told the OB about it. The top of my stomach had been super tight for a few weeks and then within a day or so almost deflated, I told him this and he said well I think everything is fine but lets take a look anyways and measure all your fluids. Of course all was well, and our little guy is topping the scales at almost 3lbs already. He's measuring a full 2 weeks ahead, based on head/belly/leg bones, which is amazing, but also scary since I have another 3 months to go. We had our first 3D u/s last week and it was pure joy, best money spent ever. He seems to be really laid back and chill already and just really didn't want to move unless he was really poked alot. Our nurse let us come back again this week for another look, just because of the way he was positioned and low and behold he has already moved head down! That's why my stomach was feeling deflated for a few days, his big head wasn't poking me in the ribs anymore. The nurses said he probably won't move again because of his weight, but of course it's always a possibility. We go back again on June 14 and then I'll be going bi-weekly. Crazy!!

My first shower is set for June 18 for friends and I'll have a family shower a month later on July 16. We registered this past weekend and that was a blast. I really like the stroller combo we picked and some other little things. I'm bummed that we won't get to set up a nursery until we move to ATL, but it's not as it he'll be sleeping in there for the first few weeks (or months knowing me). My dissertation defense is set for June 20, so I have to start working on that again in another week or so. I'm really nervous about it, but I've come this far, I'm not going to back down now.

And now for your viewing pleasure, Liam Michael (whose named after Rob's dad William and my dad Michael):

ER Visit

2011-04-24T18:44:00.000-04:00

Things have been really uneventful as far as my pregnancy goes since we found out we were having a boy, except about a week ago I started getting this weird cervical pain and alot of pressure. It would come and go and I figured maybe it was the baby just being in a weird position. Well on Friday afternoon while sitting at my desk at school I got some extremely intense pelvic pain and some tightening and cramping above my pubic bone on either side. I thought it was probably ligament pain, so I stayed seated but after 15 min it wasn't going away. I took some tyle.nol and waited a little longer before breaking down and calling the OB. Unfortunately b/c it was a Friday and the weekend of Easter, they were closing early and basically told me to go straight to OB triage since the pain wasn't going away. I couldn't believe it. I knew I wasn't having contractions, but the nurse told me if it was "normal" ligament pain it would hurt for a little while but go away relatively quickly. So I dropped everything I was doing, called Rob and made my way to the hospital. I cried the whole way there, but my wonderful friend Carli stayed on the phone with me and made sure I made it there in one piece. Rob luckily had no trouble getting off work, but of course he went to the wrong entrance so I had to wait a little while by myself.

I got to the front desk and broke down just because I was scared, not because of the pain. I mean I knew that if it was something really serious it was way too early for our little guy to survive. This thought alone was enough to make me want to fall to my knees. I filled all my paperwork out with Rob sitting by me. The nurse finally called me back and when she asked my name I couldn't even speak. They made me strip down completely and put on a hospital gown and do a urine test. Honestly at this point I was just thinking, "I haven't shaved in like two weeks, my legs are so hairy right now." I made my way over to the bed they had ready for me and another nurse hooked up a contraction monitor. They took my BP and it was surprisingly normal even though I was so stressed out. One of the nurses found the Hb with a doppler and all was well. The OB finally came in and did a very quick U/S. I couldn't see anything b/c he was standing in front of me, but I caught a few glimses and baby boy is still breeched. Everything still looked fine and he checked for clots or any other abnomalities, but they're weren't any. He then did a cervical check and holy crap that hurt worse than any pain I'd previous felt. I swear he stuck his whole hand up there! My cervix was high and still tightly closed, so no issues there. Basically he thinks I had severe ligament pain and they don't really know what caused it. The nurse thinks maybe I got up too quickly and taught me the proper way of getting up from a chair and from lying down so that I can maybe prevent this from ever happening again.

I know if the OB had been open and it wasn't a holiday weekend I could have gone in without any problems and I wouldn't have even had to go to the ER. But, just being in OB triage, knowing it was way too early to be there, was unbearable. I love this little guy so much already, I just can't imagine losing him after coming this far.

This Easter I'm very thankful and feel very blessed. I am blessed for the family and friends that I have, but above all the opportunity God has given me to be pregnant. I know that I need to cherish each and every day that I have being pregnant. It is truly a gift, one I honestly thought I was never going to experience.

It's A .....

2011-03-30T13:17:00.000-04:00

There's no denying it, it's a BOY! Both Rob and I couldn't be happier. I think we both secretly wanted a boy first and in a way I wanted a boy instead of a girl because I worry that any daughters I have will inherit all of my medical issues (hypothyroid and infertility). It was probably the best U/S ever, but I'm sure I'll say that about the next one. He was wiggling and kicking up a storm, but I found out I have an anterior placenta so most movement that I feel is either really low or on the sides not out front. Everything was measuring right on target. His leg/arm bones are measuring over a week and a half ahead and he weighs close to 12oz already. He's going to be big like his dad. For now he's in the breech position, but that could certainly change. We went out and bought a few 3M old clothes instead of newborn b/c in all actuality I think he's going to weight well over 8lbs at birth. I'm just so excited to meet him (but of course not anytime soon!) This past Friday I got an official offer for a post-doc position. I haven't accepted it yet b/c I wanted to wait to hear from at least one other lab, but it looks like it will be my best option. I'm really excited about it and it will mean we will be moving to ATL either before or after he's born. Luckily the Prof didn't have any issues with my needing to take time off and he even said I could wait until November to start. I don't think we'll be able to survive on a single income for that long, but we'll see how things go. My next OB appt is on April 26. Can't believe I'm half-way there. Now I just need to get to viability and I'll breathe a little easier. Grow baby grow!

Frazzled

2011-03-21T11:13:00.001-04:00

I know I have been a horrible blogger yet again, but honestly I just haven't had the time nor the energy this past month. The weeks are just flying by partly because of school, but also because I've been going to interviews non-stop. My first interview went well. I really like the Prof, and she seems like someone I could really learn alot from. I of course told her about my PG and it seemed to go over just fine. I won't hear back from her about a decision until after the first week of April, since she has someone else to interview. The second interview was for a Prof at Vanderbilt. I think he is my favorite so far, but unfortunately funding is an issue. Basically he would have to secure funding through the school for me to even be able to come. I've emailed him some more questions, but for now it has to be my last choice. I just went to the second interview at Emory for the neurosurgeon who is rolling in money. This one didn't go very well at all. Not because of something I did, but because of how he acted. Let's see first off he was late to my presentation. He answered his phone 2 times, yes during my presentation. The phone continued to ring and someone finally told him to turn the damn ringer off. I tried to not let it get me flustered, but seriously I thought he could show me just a little bit more respect than that especially since he invited me to come and give a talk. We went to an Irish pub for lunch which was nice, really good food, but we sat outside and super pale me got sunburned. My nose and face are peeling as we speak. He again answered his phone constantly and then left early from the lunch and that was the last I saw of him. One of his post-docs is the one who basically runs the lab and the one I would work more closely with. I liked everyone in the lab, but seriously don't know if I could be under someone who is so scatter-brained and unavailable. Honestly I also think they don't agree with my PG, and really wanted me to be able to start sooner than I could. I don't know if this will cost me a position, but at this point this baby is more important to me. I'll find a job, it's just looks like it's going to take alot longer than I thought. I won't hear his final decision until the end of April, so we'll see what happens.

On the baby front, things are going well. At about 15 weeks my gag-reflex went into overdrive. Anytime I smell anything funky or foul I start gagging and have even thrown up several times b/c of this. I guess it's my pay back for not having M/S! I'm starting to feel tiny flutters and thumps, not very often, but more often each week. My big U/S was supposed to be tomorrow, but it got changed to the 29 because the doctor had a conflict. I'm really bummed about it, but I know I can get through one more week if I keep myself busy with school work, which shouldn't be a problem. We've slowly started buying a few things. I went to a baby consignment sale and found a few gender neutral overalls, two different slings, and some bedding we really like. It's turquoise/brown/cream/white and I think we could girl it up if we need to. They're my favorite colors and the entire set was in amazing condition I just couldn't pass it up. If I end up changing my mind, I'm sure I could sell it and get most of my money back.

I probably won't post again until next Tuesday. Stay tuned for the gender reveal and make your guesses now. I'll post a belly pic next week too. I'm carrying really low if that gives anyone a guess.

Out of the Danger Zone

2011-02-16T18:58:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry I've been MIA again. It's just been crazy busy with school. I had my OB appt yesterday and really love my OB. I got an un-scheduled u/s with the portable machine which was super exciting. Got to see little arms and legs and all the growing bones, including the spine. Couldn't get a good profile shot because the baby was still curled up. But it wiggled and moved all around. I was really nervous about having to get a pap done. I was just freaked about possible cramping and bleeding, and it was totally for nothing. It's not like a regular pap and he was very gentle, hardly felt it. I was a little uncomfortable for a few hours, but so far nothing negative to report. He his referring me to a maternal-fetal specialist for my anatomy scan b/c he's seen evidence of heart defects associated with IVF embryos. Scared me a little to hear that, but I'd rather be on the safe side and catch things early rather than later. The big reveal will be March 22! So I'll get a really long scan then and actually go back for a another a few weeks later to re-check the heart even more. I'll meet with my OB again on March 29 for a check-up too. All in all it was a great experience, other than the fact that I can add another person to my list that has seen my lady bits. There was a med student from the school I'm at doing a rotation, thank goodness it wasn't somebody I taught or new. But seriously I think I've well surpassed the 20 people mark for those that have seen and/or touched the goods. When do I get a prize? Or am I just a slut now? Just kidding :0)

On the post-doc front, I've got 3 seperate interviews lined up. 2 for a school in ATL and 1 for a school in Nashville. I'm really excited but nervous about going and having to do a presentation on my work. They're all paying my way (air travel and hotel) which is amazing, so I'm hoping that's a good sign that they're willing to pay for me to come for a visit. I have one on Feb 28, then next on March 4 and then the last on March 17. Hopefully I'll get an offer from at least 1 of them, but I'd love to have a choice. We've also planned for a vacation to Disney with my parents also in March. I'm really looking forward to some time with Rob to just be away from home for a while. We invited my parents as a surprise for their anniversary this summer, but also because we've done alot with his parents and not much with them recently. Other than all of this, doing well and very happy!

Will It Ever Go Away?

2011-01-28T11:18:00.000-05:00

Things have been going okay this past week. Been really busy in the lab, but at the end of the day I look forward to hearing the LOs heartbeat. The past few days it's been a little more difficult to find. It's still really low near my pelvis, but I guess maybe it keeps moving around since there's so much room. I can't say that it doesn't scare me when after 30 minutes of searching I still haven't found it, but when I do I give a huge sigh of relief. I've been worrying alot lately about something going wrong. I don't know if it's because I'm still 2 weeks away from the 2nd trimester or if it's just my dreaded anxiety acting up like it always does. On February 13, I'll be exactly 13 weeks. Kind of fitting, don't you think? I asked R last night if I could go ahead and do the NT scan. We had opted not to because of the cost. Since I'm not high risk, they don't cover the early scans. So far I haven't had to pay even a co-pay for my visits. Trust me I always ask how much I owe, because I don't want to be swamped with a crazy bill out of the blue. We talked about it, but he said he had to tell me No because of the cost. I understand, but I just don't see how I'm supposed to wait at least another 7-8 weeks before having another U/S. Being at an RE spoiled me in that regard. It's harder than I thought going months without getting to have an U/S. I mean I know the OB is just treating me like all the other PGers, nothing is going to be different for me, but I guess it takes some adjustment once you get thrust into this side of things. I start my new therapy sessions in a week and a half. I'll be going for treatments 2x a week for 10 weeks total. Hopefully the new technique I'll be trying out with the therapist will really help with my anxiety. If I could just shut my brain "OFF" sometimes, it would be alot easier. When I have even a moment that isn't occupied with lab work, then my mind goes right to the terrible what-if scenarios. I'm in a constant state of worry. I know this isn't healthy so I'm trying to find a solution and I'm hoping this might be it. I'll be 11 weeks this weekend. I'm counting down the days until 13 weeks and my next OB appt.

ICLW Jan 2011

2011-01-21T10:11:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! Hope you had a great start to the new year. 2010 was certainly not what I expected, but it ended on a wonderful note. We've been trying since May 2007 for our first child. We tried for over a year, before my GYN would even take any notice. I ended up doing 8 months of Clomid, to absolutely no avail. I even realized quite early on that I wasn't ovulating even when on the meds. Fast forward a few months and I basically self-diagnosed myself with Hypothyroid. It took about 2 months for my bloodwork to show what I already new. I started Synthroid and Cytomel and waited some more. I gave up on my GYN and any hope that Clomid would work and decided to see an Environmental Medicine Endocrinologist for my thyroid. He did lots of tests and put me back on allergy shots. Within 2 months I was ovulating on my own. We tried for a few more months, but nothing happened.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and signed myself up with an RE I had heard about through my GYN. We finally did another SA (we had one done previously just on counts and everything was "Normal"). This time we did more extensive testing and were finally told that we had a severe MFI issue and that we stood a less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally. We immediately started IUIs and did 3 of those back to back. Not even the hint of a BFP. We knew IVF was imminent, so we starting preparing for it in early 2010. We did our first IVF and I got 18 eggs and 16 embryos. We did a Day 7 transfer of 2 and got a BFN. A month later we did a Day 5 FET with 2 and I got my first ever BFP (urine and blood). Unfortunately by the 2nd beta, my levels weren't increasing properly and within a week they started dropping, I was absolutely devestated. By this time we had no embryos left. They used all of them just to try and get some to develop for a few days. Most of them started arresting or just stopped growing all together. Our RE said that he though we also had an "Egg Issue" and that donor egg might be in our future. We took about two month off and geared up for IVF#2. We retrieved 20 eggs and made 18 embryos. We did a Day 5 transfer with 2 (allowed 10 to grow until this day and froze 8 on Day 2). By Day 5 we only had 2 to transfer. We were told they looked wonderful. I got another BFP (urine and blood), but unfortunately the same thing as before happened. My levels never increased properly and I knew I had lost it again. We waited another month and went forward with another FET. This time we asked to do an early Day 3 transfer in the hopes that more of the embryos would survive. We only had to thaw 3/8 and we transferred 3 on Day 3. I had a really amazing first beta of 293, but 2 days later it only increased to 407. I couldn't believe it, but I held on for several more days and had a repeat done. By some miracle of God my levels increased to 1664 and we were finally able to schedule an U/S.

At our first U/S on Dec 29, 2010, we saw one beautiful sac and heard a heartbeat of 120. It was amazing! It was a wonderful end to a really hard year. So far everything is progressing really well and I'll be 10 weeks this weekend. I listen to the heartbeat on our at home doppler once a night and just can't get over that this is really happening. It still seems surreal and my anxiety hasn't gone away even though I'm finally pregnant.

Infertilify has been a huge part of my life, but I wouldn't change a thing. We're expecting our little miracle August 21, 2011. I wish all of you the best in your struggles to conceive and for those of you that finally have your miracles that your pregnancy continues to go well. I look forward to reading all of your blogs and getting to know you better. Feel free to ask any questions, I'm an open book! ((HUGS))

First OB Visit

2011-01-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

Well things went well yesterday. It wasn't quite what I expected, I guess. It was a really long appointment. They first took me back for another u/s. Measuring 9w3d, still one day ahead. HR was 158bpm, so it's slowed since last week's 180bpm. LO was moving around alot which was neat to see. The u/s was really quick, got some more picks but they aren't as good as the one's my RE took. They then sent me back out into the waiting room for another 20 minutes. I was finally called back for the BP and weight check. Then they told me to strip completely down since I was going to have to do a pap and breast exam. The OB (who isn't our doctor, he had a funeral to go to) came in and said I'd have to wait for a pap b/c of all the progesterone inserts, totally fine with me. If I could get away without one that would even be better. I guess I'm just scared of anything going near my cervix at this point, but I know they have to do it since I haven't had a recent one at the REs, pretty pissed about that. The RE could easily have done one and saved me the trouble of doing one now. The OB didn't even check me over, so I was sitting there butt-naked and I didn't even get an exam. My next appt is Feb 15, with our actual OB. I'm so scared that we won't get another u/s until I'm 18 weeks. We'll get an anatomy scan then too, which will be cool to know the gender early. I got a fetal doppler a few weeks ago and was able to hear the heartbeat at home for the first time on Sunday. It will certainly be a life-saver while I'm waiting between appts. I know if I can't find the HB, I'll probably be anxious, but not hearing it for another month is more anxious to me than not finding it. Plus I figure if I really ask nicely I might be able to get in to hear the heartbeat before my appts. I think I'll be okay.

My MIL is still going nuts and already looking at baby stuff. I told her yesterday she needs to really hold off because we aren't telling anyone else until I reach 13 weeks and get through my next OB appt. Even then we aren't buying anything until we know the gender and it will probably be some small stuff, nothing like furniture or anything. With the prospect of moving come the end of August or early September, I'm hesitant to buy alot of furniture we'll probably just have to keep in boxes for a while. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a post-doc position. I've decided not to tell any prospective employers b/c I know it would have an effect on whether I'm hired or not. I won't even tell them until I reach the second trimester just because I don't want to jinx things.

I'm doing well otherwise. Still going to therapy and I'm even starting something new called neurofeedback. It's a way to hopefully change my brain waves into thinking less "anxiously" during most situations. My brain is always "ON" and I'm thinking about a million scenarios at any given moment. I'm hoping it will be helpful since I refuse to be on any kind of medication during the pregnancy. It's just too risky, so I figured it would be best to try and find a more natural alternative. I still worry constantly about something going wrong. I'm so used to things not going the way I'd hoped they would. Even though I'm on "this side" of the wall, I still sometimes feel like an imposter. Sometimes it still doesn't even feel real. Like I see the baby on the u/s images and I can hear the heartbeat, but it still doesn't feel like that's really inside me. I don't know if things will change when I finally feel movement or we get to find out the gender or if I'm just trying to still protect myself in case of disappointment. We've decided not to do the NT scan and will do 2nd trimester screening instead. No matter what happens we wouldn't change a thing, and I think knowing early on that something might be wrong would just cause me too much anxiety and stress. The tests aren't 100% accurate either, but I guess I'd like to be prepared just in case.

I know I've probably lost some readers already, but I completely understand. When I was still going through treatments, I couldn't read any pregnancy or parenting blogs, it was just too painful. Just know that I still care and am still pulling for everyone. IF is always going to be a part of my life, it's certainly changed me. This pregnancy won't be the same as other people's because I went through some much to get here. Lots of love to everyone. Here's the latest pics.

Graduation

2011-01-11T18:14:00.000-05:00

Well I had my U/S a day early b/c my RE isn't going to be there tomorrow. I'm measuring ahead one day 8w3d. Heartrate was measuring 180bpm, super fast! Looks like a little gummy bear with arms and legs. We got to see it move around and also he zoomed in on the placenta and saw the blood rushing in and out of the coils. That was amazing! He told me I graduate today, which I wasn't prepared for. I stop PIO tomorrow and have started Endometrin, not fun to say the least. I'm starting to taper everything off every Sunday when I change weeks. So exactly 12 weeks I'll be off all meds. YAY! I'm still tired, peeing all the time, and certain foods turn me off, but NO M/S, which is still a blessing. Sometimes it's a little disconcerting, but I'll except it as a gift for all the crap we've been through! Here's some pics for your viewing pleasure! Love you all!

It's A Monday!

2011-01-03T13:49:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I totally hate Mondays, with a passion. Even though this is the first Monday of the year, and I hope it's going to be an amazing year, it never ceases to amaze me how truly shitty Monday's can be. There's a prof I'm dealing with that has serious issues with me, and the feeling is mutual. I worked in her lab my very first year at grad school and since then she has yet to write up all of the data I gathered for a paper. Finally she's making an effort to do it, and now she has "issues" with some of my data. Evidently a data point that I gathered (repeated 2 times) doesn't "add up" to her. She went to my major prof and told him, "I don't trust her data and don't want to use it." Which my prof replied, "If you don't use her data, you don't use anything from our lab." Meaning, any data she's gathered that has anything to do with tissues taken from our lab is off limits for her use, without his permission. Thank God my prof went to bat for me. But seriously, I can't believe she's doing this. I worked my A** off for her for a year and now she's clamining my data sucks. Well screw her!! She's a total B anyways!

I went and spoke with another prof, whose on my committee and actually went through IF (even went to my same RE, go figure) and she told me to just forget her! She has no voting power on my committee so she technically can't do anything that would jeopardize my graduating on time in August. She also told me she would fight for me as well, if it came down to it. I was so appreciative, it mean alot that she would do that. She even made some snide remarks about the women too, so I know she doesn't think very highly of her.

Unfortunately, I still have a few things I have to do in this women's lab, using some of her equipment. I'm trying to finish as quickly as I can so I don't have to have anymore contact than usual with her. I just really don't need this added stress.

As for little bean, things seem to be going well. I still don't have any M/S, which in a way is not comforting, but in a way I'm thankful for it. I'm craving lots of salty foods right now and don't really care for sweets, which is highly unusual. I get headaches every day and I could probably sleep a total of 22 hours a day, and still not be able to function. Still peeing pretty regularly. I just can't wait until next Wed for our next glimpse. I'm nervous because last week a girl from BBC went to her 8 week u/s and there wasn't a heartbeat. Crap like this scares me and I should probably stay away from BBC because of it. I just don't know what I would do if I lost this LO. I'm already so in love as it is.

Introducing...

2010-12-29T12:25:00.000-05:00

Well, I almost puked while waiting in the exam room for the RE to show up. Unfortunately my normal RE had an emergency and couldn't make my appointment, but one of the other RE's filled in. I was holding my breath the whole time and he finally showed me the screen. We have one little bean with a beautiful heartbeat. Everything is still really early, but just hearing the heartbeat and having a heartbeat is a milestone in itself. I'll be going back on January 12, I'll be 8w3d then. It was an amazing experience. I'm truly blessed. My due date is August 21, 2011.

Other than being tired, peeing alot, and getting headaches on a regular basis, I'm doing just fine. We'll see what happens in the coming weeks. It's be nice to stave off M/S but I'm not betting on it. Thanks again for all your support and encouragement, it's been a long long road, and I certainly haven't reached the end. It's just nice to finally be on a different path.

Scared

2010-12-27T08:46:00.000-05:00

I apologize for not posting more or commenting. I guess I'm just trying to keep my sanity together to get through these next few days. I don't think anyone can prepare you for the anxiety that comes over you when you're waiting for that first ultrasound. I'm so afraid that we're going to get there all excited, my RE will put the probe in and nothing will appear on the screen, just a black abyss that is my uterus. I can't shake this feeling and it's been keeping me up at night. I don't know it it's a way for my subconscious to prepare me in case something does go wrong, or I'm just a complete nut-job and just need to chill out. Either way, this has been worse than ANY 2ww ever! Don't really have any symptoms. I am peeing more often and get tired pretty easily in the early afternoon, but other than that, nothing else. I know most of the major symptoms won't start until later on, but it's still unnerving because I don't feel any different. I haven't had any major cramping, spotting, or bleeding, so I guess that's a good sign, but then I second guess myself and think that I should feel those things if everything is normal. So I have 2 more torturous days to get through and then we'll have to get up at 4am on Wed and drive the 3 hours to J-ville. God I hope it's going to be worth the trip.

Christmas Miracle

2010-12-20T10:51:00.001-05:00

Well the nurse called me earlier, she said she couldn't wait to tell me or make me wait the whole day to find out.

5w1d 1664

I'm still in shock. I'd been taking tests every 3 days since Thursday, and my lines were only getting darker, so I knew that it certainly didn't go down, I just didn't know how much it had gone up. I was praying for at least 1600, b/c that would mean that it was doubling every 48-72hrs, so I got my wish.

Our first ultrasound is set for Dec 29, 7:30am. It can't get here soon enough.

Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers, I wouldn't have made it without all of you. It's still going to be a long road with lots of hurdles, but I'm very thankful to have made it to this point when I know so many of you are still struggling.

Same As It Ever Was

2010-12-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

Well not great news, as usual.

12dp3dt 293
14dp3dt 407

It didn't double. Freaking story of my life. I have a repeat on Monday. God help me. I need some prayers to get me through this weekend. I luckily thought ahead and set up a therapy appointment for Saturday for just such an occassion.

Beta #1

2010-12-13T14:31:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm pregnant and it's the highest beta I've ever gotten, ever.

Hcg (4w1d) 293
Estradiol 610
Progesterone 39

I'm happy, but very nervous about what my beta will be on Wednesday. The 2nd beta is always when things fall apart for me, so it will be an anxious 2 days. Thanks for all the well wishes. I'm very thankful to have this chance again.

I Caved...

2010-12-09T15:54:00.001-05:00

I have NO will power. NONE! I decided to go home early today and POAS, b/c I'm just crazy like that. I bought some FRER (2lines) and W.algreen's Digitals.

Today was 7dp3dt and I got 2 beautiful lines on the FRER and a digital "PREGNANT"! Hot damn!

Not that this means much, but at least it wasn't a BFN. Also it's a good sign b/c I didn't use FMU. I will probably test once a day until beta and just make sure things keep getting darker, but I'm hopeful yet again. Maybe 3rd BFPs the charm?? Please just pray that this isn't another stupid chemical and that I'll finally get my Bday, Christmas, and New Year's wish. I don't want anything else, honestly, just this, please? Santa can you hear me?

Half-Time Labs

2010-12-06T17:12:00.000-05:00

I'm hanging in there. I don't know what it is about the 2nd week of a 2ww, but it's torture to me. All I want to do is POAS, even though I know it's early, I just want to know if it worked already. Geez! So I've gotta keep busy and keep telling myself that this round is different and I need to hold out POAS until closer to beta day. It's more important for me to not stress if I get a BFN, than to try and POAS early to see if there's a BFP. I mean honestly, I've seen a BFP, I know they exist and I can get one, but I need to remember that seeing a BFP means jack squat at this point. It's that beta number that's most important. Here were my labs, they're right where they need to be, so we can't blame my hormone levels if this doesn't work.

Estradiol- 509
Progesterone- 37

Will check in periodically, because I'm going to need y'all to tell me to pee in the toilet and not on a pregnancy stick! Ugh this waiting sucks!!

Transfer Complete

2010-12-01T12:04:00.001-05:00

Well I'm finally back from the RE. It was a long morning. I feel so bad for R, we had to get up at 4:30 and he immediately had to drop me off a little while ago and go into work. I know he's just as tired if not more than I am of having to make the trip back and forth so much.

We transferred 3 8-cell embryos. They only had to thaw 1 straw, which means we still have 5 left for another transfer. The RE said they looked excellent and when the embryologist came in to find out how many my RE needed I could tell from the expression of his eyes that he was a little shocked we were transferring all 3. I guess that's a good thing right?

I can feel a little bit of hope creeping back in, but I'm being very cautious about it. I have to be after everything that's happened. My first beta is Dec 13. I'll be getting my Prog and Estradiol checked on Dec 6, which is something they've never done. I've also been an Aspirin regimen and on Prednisone for 5 days, so we'll see what happens.

I'll check in next week after my hormone check and let you know what's going on. I also have another therapy appointment next Monday. Thanks for all the well wishes.

Last Transfer of the Year

2010-11-29T13:59:00.000-05:00

So I had my CD13 u/s on Saturday, everything looked fine my lining was at 10mm, which is good. My transfer will be on Wednesday and we're hoping to at least put back 3 if we're lucky. They'll be defrosting on tomorrow, since they were frozen on Day2. I'm sure my beta will be around the 15th or so. I kind of feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point. I'm neutral when it comes to how much hope I have that this last one might work. I think the more time that passes the more I really just want to say f-it and let's do donor egg. I just don't want to wait any longer to get pregnant. I met with a therapist this morning. She seems pretty nice, so I go back and see her again next Monday. She basically told me that with my up-bringing, all the shit with relatives, school, and IF, no wonder I'm depressed/anxious. For now I'm going to go without meds, but if it gets to the point where I'm taking a break again and need to be on something I certainly will. I'll probably post once more about transfer day, but after that I'm going to be MIA for a while until beta.

Deep Breaths

2010-11-24T11:54:00.000-05:00

I appreciate all of your comments, it's been a rough few weeks to say the least. I was finally able to get in touch with a therapist and I have an appointment next Monday unless someone cancels before then. I can't say that I'm not going in skeptical, I just haven't had great luck with a one on one therapist before. I did find some comfort seeing our counselor at our church, but there's only so much she can say about it being in God's hands before I start to shut down. I mean yes, I know it is, but all of my emotional issues and depression aren't just going to go away if I pray alot. Since I can't go on meds right now, this is my only other option. So we'll see how it goes.

My parent's are on the way into town today. I'm happy to see them, but they bring alot of anxiety into my life. Being an only child has alot of down sides. They're extremely over-bearing and over-protective and sometimes forget that I'm actually an adult. So I'm just going to take deep breaths if my Mom gets on my nerves.

In other news, I don't think I've mentioned this yet, R and I are in a huge fight with his mother. The day that I found out our 2nd pregnancy wasn't viable, I called her to let her know, but I was basically hysterically. She kept yelling over me to stop crying. I didn't need someone to tell me that, I just needed her to let me cry. So I basically started having a panic attack and just decided to hang up the phone. I went to the back of the house and made a bath and just layed in it and cried until R got home early from work. I never called her back b/c I just really didnt' want to to talk to anyone. This was a Monday and on Tuesday night R found out he got a promotion he'd been working towards for a very long time. I didn't talk to her or R's dad but sent them my love when R told them about his job.

That Friday I had my committee review of my PhD proposal, basically they were going to determine when I could graduate. Luckily they agreed to let me go when my prof leaves the school this coming August. R and I decided to celebrate and go to a nice dinner. Before our meal came we called his parent's to let them know about my good news. His mom gets on the phone says a quick "That's good" and then chews me up one side and down the other. She told me she had never been so disrespected in her life and that she thought I had more respect for her than that, and that she didn't appreciate me hanging up on her and that I should never do that again. She said somewhat jokingly, "I don't know what I'm going to do with you, maybe next time I see you I should give you a spanking." Now during her tirade I didn't say anything but maybe a yes/no here and there. After yelling at me she started asking me all these questions about where we were going to move to, was I going to stay at FSU. I had just found out not 3 hours earlier that I was going to graduate early, but yet I was already supposed to know where we were going to be living and have a job lined up.

Needless to say I started crying at dinner after I handed the phone off to R. He didn't know what had happened until after he hung up with her. He was furious and said he would talk to her about it the next day. So he did and evidently she said, "So she sent you as her guard dog?" Are you kidding me? After that he got really pissed off too. The following week he called her during a lul at work, at the same time his boss called him on the other line, so he told her he had to hang up to take the other call. After he talked to his boss, he called her back 4 times and she wouldn't pick up.

Last Sat for my bday she send me a text, "Happy Birthday Love Mom." I wrote back, "Thanks Love You Too." That is all the contact we've had since October 22. At this point I know she is waiting for me to call her and apologize and admit that I was disrespectful and should never do that again, blah blah blah. Well, I've decided not to b/c I don't think I did anything wrong. It was in the heat of the moment and I was devestated and hysterical. For some reason she likes to take situations and turn them into all about her. This isn't the first time she's done something like this. Back when I was in undergrad and called her to tell her R and mine's wedding date she yelled at me and told me we were too young and that we both needed jobs and where were we going to live. I was in tears by the end of the conversation and thought she hated me. Planning our wedding was a complete fiasco b/c of dealing with her and my mom. From all that happened then, my parents and R's don't speak much at all. R and I have had to put our foot down and just alternate holidays b/c they can't stand to be in the same room together.

I don't need anymore drama in my life, especially with everything going on right now. So my method of dealing with it, is to leave it up to her to contact me. I refuse to apologize for being upset, so more than likely we won't be talking anytime soon. I hope we can come to some short of agreement before Christmas. I've also decided not to tell her anything about our latest FET. All I need from her is some support, but somehow it's my fault that things went to shit. More deep breaths.

Seeking Help

2010-11-22T10:03:00.000-05:00

So I guess there weren't too many of you that read my last post or maybe you just didn't know what to say. This morning I called a few therapists and will hopefully be able to get an appointment soon. I'm doing better than I was a few days ago, but going to church yesterday was difficult. We normally sit with my friend who just told me she's pregnant with her 2nd, but I just couldn't. We even skipped sunday school because I knew she would be announcing it to the class. R went up to talk to someone after the service and I just went back to the car. He ran into them and told them it was just too hard for me right now. She told him she understood and would be waiting if I wanted to talk again. At this point I'm just feeling surrounding and over-whelmed with pregnant women, I just want to avoid any situation that will cause more pain. I know this makes me a horrible friend, but I've got to save my sanity especially since I could be facing more disappoint after we get the results of our 2nd and most likely last FET.

I know in my heart that I just want to be pregnant and have a child, but at the same time the thought of never having a child that is truly mine and my husband's biologically scares the crap out of me. I think I just need to talk through it with an outsider, so that's why I'm seeking some help. I went to counseling about 2 years ago and it just wasn't right for me. I don't know if it was the therapist or just her methods that made me uncomfortable. The only thing I got out of seeing her was a 1970s book on how to get pregnant. I couldn't believe a therapist who knew that we had been trying for almost 2 years at that point thought a book like that would go over well. So needless to say I'm skeptical of all therapists.

Bottom of a Pit

2010-11-20T10:54:00.000-05:00

So I went to San Diego last week for a neuroscience conference. It was fun and I had two interviews for post-doc positions. One for a university in TN and the other in SC. It was a good experience and both professors left it up to me to contact them if I was still interested, which I took as a good sign. I still have alot of time to try and find a position, but it's important to me to have a plan in place especially since we probably will have to move, sell the house, and find a position for Rob. I celebrated my 28th birthday while I was gone, and wished the same wish I've wished for the past 4 birthdays. Will it come true before I turn 29? I don't know.

Rob's bday was two days after mine and it was hard to not be able to celebrate our bdays together. I got home on Wednesday to find that he had completely tiled our kitchen floor by himself, something we've been talking about doing for a few months now. There's still alot of finishing up to do, but it looks really nice and he worked really hard.

The next day I opened my laptop that I had left at home to find porn plastered across the screen. I think I sat there for a moment with my mouth hung open and tears forming in my eyes. I called him at work and told him we had some things to discuss and left it at that. I was livid, hurt, upset, and felt completely worthless. Our roomate came home and asked if I wanted to go to the triple Harry P. feature, so I went without asking Rob if it would be okay. I didn't want to see him or even be in the same room. I didn't get home until 3am in the morning and didn't say a word to him until he came home the next morning after an early meeting. Evidently a few months back I had given him "permission" to take care of business. I don't remember doing this, but whatever. Because I haven't wanted to be touched let alone have sex, I guess he's feeling neglected. But instead of telling me he needs some attention, he goes behind my back and rubs one out while I'm out of town. He came clean and said this wasn't the first time and that he's done it while I've been at school too. He then yelled at me and said I better not tell anyone and let alone post it on my blog, because what happens between me and him should stay between me and him. I don't like being told what I can and can't do, so needless to say I'm not listening to him. I will try and keep him out of blog after this post, but I certainly won't stop discussing my feelings especially if he's the one that's hurting me. I still haven't gotten over it. He says he won't do it again, now that he knows how much it hurt me, but I can't help but listen to the voice inside my head telling me he probably will.

I know he loves me and that he has "needs" that I and I don't think any women can understand. I feel as if I drove him to this point. I've realized that I've been traumatized by all of this. I cringe when he or anyone touches me when I have my back turned. I've lost all of the sexual drive I had, it doesn't interest me at all and so I know he's taken this personally, even though I've told him how I feel. I've felt like less of a woman for years now, like I'm broken and not whole. I see now that every aspect of my life at home and at school has been affected by IF.

And so yesterday I get a call from my only friend from church who has shown any interst in following me through this journey to motherhood. After we'd been trying for a year, she got pregnant very easily with her daughter. Her daughter is now 2 and 1/2. We talk at least once a week and she told me that she'd be trying for her 2nd starting in September. Well she didn't get PG last month, but she did this month. I was waiting for her to tell me, I just knew it would only be a matter of time. I could tell when we were talking that there's was something in her voice that wasn't quite right. She said she wanted me to find out from her and not while at church. They'll probably be announcing it this Sunday. You see she never had a problem with her first pregnancy so she told our class the day she got a positive test. There's no reason for her not to tell the whole world now that she's pregnant again, because she has nothing to worry about. I started crying when she told me and she started crying because she knew how much I'd be hurt. I told her that it wasn't her fault I was upset, I was just upset with the situation and jealous that it comes so easy to her. She told me she'd continue to call me and when I was ready to talk again let her know. She said if I don't want to hear anything about her pregnancy she would respect that.

I feel so alone right now. The two people that I talked to the most about this IF shit are both pregnant. The one couple that Rob and I know that are still trying are alot older than us. She already has 3 grown boys, and this is her second marriage. So even though she knows the pain of going through every month with another AF showing up, she can't begin to feel the pain I feel because she already has children. It's a different kind of hurt for her. This would be the first child for her current husband, but I've realized that husbands deal with IF in a very different way than we do.

There's no one left for me to talk to IRL about all of this. There's no one left to sympathize with me. There's no one left, except Rob, to give me a hug and let me cry when I've gone through another failed cycle. All I have is all of you out there somewhere. And even though I find a small comfort in that, I still feel like I'm at the bottom of yet another pit with no way out.

I'm already in the midst of my 2nd FET. I have an ultrasound check next Saturday morning and our transfer will most likely be the first week of December. I'm going into this cycle with absolutely no expectations. I have to. We have our plan in place, but time is of the essence right now especially if we are moving sometime next August/September away from our RE. I'm willing to give our remaining embryos a chance, but our horrible track record remains at the forefront of my mind. I know that without any hope this cycle will certainly fail, so I need some help and reassurance from all of you, that I will be ok even if this transfer ends like the past 3.

The Other Side

2010-11-09T12:33:00.000-05:00

I relate infertility to a brick wall. Sometimes it's several hundred feet high and I can't even remotely fathom what the other side is like, but other times it's only a few feet high and it seems like one day I might be able to climb over it. For now, I can't see the top of the wall. The wall is thick and tall. I can't blast threw it and there are no peep holes to the other side. There is a single ladder that I can use to climb over the wall, but there are hundreds of others waiting to use the ladder too. If I consider the three transfers I've been through, I've gotten to start the climb using that ladder three times. One time I made it a few steps off the ground, but immediately fell off. The other two times I've almost reached the top, only to fall hard back on the ground. Currently, I'm trying to mend the broken heart that I suffered from the last fall.

I can sometimes hear those of you that have made it to the other side, but most of the time you've moved so far from that wall I can't hear your voice anymore. Every now and then I can hear a voice telling me, "You're time will come." But sometimes all I hear is a whisper saying, "You won't believe what it's like over here, wish you were here to see it." I don't know what it's like on the other side of the wall. I've never seen it and I've never experienced it, so I don't know how to relate to those of you that have already made it to the other side. Maybe when my heart begins to mend again and I get to step back on that ladder to try and make the climb again, I'll be able to hear again. I might finally catch a glimpse of what the other side is really like. Maybe you'll even be able to chip away at the wall and make a peep hole for me to see what the other side is really like. Maybe one day that hole will be big enough for you to grab my hand and reassure me that all of this heartache is really worth going through to make it to the other side.

But for now the wall is big. My broken heart and I are on one side and y'all are on the other. I can't see the top of the wall and there are no peep holes to take a glimpse at the other side. My ears don't work very well so all I hear are muted whispers. So if y'all have the time to wait for me on the other side it would make all the difference, but if y'all don't, I'll understand that the beauty and happiness on the other side is too great to pass up and getting further away from that wall is what is best.

Gypsy and Answered Questions

2010-11-08T10:39:00.001-05:00

So I went to the fair yesterday, basically to gourge myself on fair food. I chose to eat away my sorrows with fried vegetables (okra, pickles, and green beans), a corn dog, chili fries, and a huge chocolate dipped rolled in nuts frozen banana. And yes, I ate every bit of it and loved it! At this point trying to find something that will make the hurt go away is pretty much non-existent, but eating fair food helped.

While at the fair I came across a fortune teller booth. I paid $10 to have my palms read and to do a tarot card reading. Now I'm not a firm believer in this stuff, but I do find it pretty interesting. So the lady read my palms and said I'm going to live a long life. Well that's always nice to hear, but do you really think she would tell me that I have a month to live? Probably not. She tells me that I've already found my soul mate, true, but I'm sure she caught on since I was wearing my wedding ring and my husband was waiting outside the tent. She then tells me that I have been pulling away and disengaging from my marriage. Uh, ok interesting, do I have something on my face (maybe some leftover mustard) which told her I'm suffering from IF and my marriage and relationship with my husband is not what it used to be? She then says that I will have 2 children very close in age, possibly twins. I like the sound of that.

She then asked me, "Have you recently gone through a miscarriage, abortion, or still-birth?" I almost started crying at the stupid table. I was wearing sunglasses at the time, so I don't think she could see the hurt and horror in my eyes, but I answered yes I've had 2 failed pregnancies. She told me my journey will continue to be hard and that I have an abdominal issue that needs to be taken care of before things will turn around. She tells me that a curse or hex has been placed on me from a person(s) in my past and that I need a spiritual cleansing. She then tells me I can pay $75 for her to do it right there in the tent. I walked away with one of her pamplets in my hand and a little bit of shock.

Now I know these women study your mannerisms and look for clues to what's going on in your life, but why the hell would she have asked if I recently had a loss, that's not something you ask someone you've never met before in your life. I don't put alot of stock into what she said, but it still makes me wonder. I'd like to think her prediction of 2 children possible twins is right, but no one knows the future but God.

Questions Answered:
Alot of you have commented that I should seek a second opinion or continuing doing more IVFs before moving on to other options. For now I am stuck in a contract with my current RE. We signed up for the shared-risk program and forked over $18,000, so we aren't leaving anytime soon. If this next FET doesn't work, then we'll do that stupid biopsy lining test and proceed from there. At my current frame of mind, I'm done with IVF and ER. We've produced 34 embryos over half of which were Graded 1 at either Day 3 or Day 5. I've had 3 transfers, and ended up with 2 chemical pregnancies. My hormone levels are always normal and my lining had been thick as can be with all of the transfers. I'm tired of going through the heartache and physical pain of ERs. Both times I've hyperstimmed and had really long and hard recoveries. Both times we've ended up with tons of embryos, but they all start dying.

My clinic has over 20 years of experience and was once rated among the Top 10 best clinics in the country. I trust their expertise and I trust my RE. I may not like what he has to say about our results or about his views on my eggs, but it is what it is and I'm prepared to be okay with that. Many of you have gone on to do 3 or more IVFs, but most of you ended up with fewer than 8 embryos at any given time. Some of you even ended up with only 1 or 2 by the day of the transfer and none to freeze. That didn't happen to me, I've had ample opportunities with all of the embryos I've ended up with. My embryos may look nice under a microscope, but something genetically is seriously wrong with them. You will always have some death among the embryos, but not like what we've had.

As far as doing PGD testing on the embryos we have left that would cost us an extra $3000 because our lab can't do the testing in house. The embryos would have to be shipped elsewhere for the test. Yes I would love to finally have a definitive, "You're embryos are not viable and are chromosomally abnormal," but at this point I pretty much already know that by the way they've reacted when developing and from the 3 failed transfers. Also I don't really feel comfortable with having a cell taken out of the embryos for testing, at the rate we are going even if we had a viable embryo I don't think it would be strong enough to survive the testing. To us, using that money for another option is better.

As it stands, Rob and I have decided to move forward with donor egg, if the time comes after another failed FET. I am not strong enough physically or emotionally to go through another IVF. I'm ready to be pregnant and I'm ready to be a mother, and if that means giving up on ever having a child with my genetic material then so be it. I don't feel like a failure, I feel like I've just reached my limit on the heartache of failed IVFs that I can withstand. We've decided on moving forward with donor because Rob said he wants me to be pregnant and he wants to go through a pregnancy with me. He said he isn't ready to give up on using his genetic material and I respect that. This isn't just about me, it's about us and OUR journey to parenthood. I finally got him to open up and tell me what he really feels and it actually made me feel better and took a load off of my shoulders. We have a plan that we agree on and that feels good. I know this may not be what everyone else would decide if they were in my position, but this is what feels right to us, so I'm going with it.

The Plan For Now

2010-11-03T19:39:00.000-04:00

So we had our RE consult yesterday. It went basically how I thought it would. He told me that in all honesty, and he did apologize for the terminology, but I went throught 2 chemical pregnancies. It hurt to hear that. It hurt to realize that I never really had a baby growing in me, all it was were some embryonic cells. I'm dealing with this realization, but I can't say it makes it easier to handle, on the contrary it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I never had a chance at all. He says that he fully believes it's an egg issue. Basically when an egg develops there are several steps in which the chromosomes in the egg split and separate, therefore there are many times when something can go wrong. In my case, most likely, I'm either gettting too few or too many chromosomes in my eggs, which in turn is causing genetic abnormalities which in turn causes the embryos to degenerate or not be viable. I trust my RE, but I can't help but wish it wasn't true. I have to look at the facts though. We've gone through 26 embryos at this point. Gosh it hurts just saying that. In the scheme of things if I compare the number of embryos we've gotten compared to what most get during an IVF cycle, it's like we've already been through more than 2 cycles. I asked about the grading of the embryos and the RE said that we've had some excellent Grade 1 and 2 embryos, especially this time, but looks aren't everything. A really high grade embryo can still not be viable or have chromosomal abnormalites, whereas one that looks completely horrible under a microscope could yield a healthy baby. Of the 8 embryos we still have frozen we have several Grade 1 and 2s. I asked about how many we would transfer this next time and he nonchalantly said we can try 4. I'm thinking to myself that he "really" thinks this is going to work. What happened to you're too young to transfer more than 2 to we can do 4 without questioning it. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall right now.

I asked about more testing and brought up immunity and alloimmune disorders and he didn't go for that. He believes that there's too much speculation and not enough evidence to prove that there's any correlation between infertility and these things. I don't believe him, but he's not interested in looking into them any further. He says there just isn't enough medical evidence and research studies to prove to him that it's legitimate. He did suggest one test we can try. I would basically go through a mock cycle and once my lining reached a certain point, they would do a biopsy of the lining. The lining would be grown in culture and tested for beta-integrins which are specific proteins/receptors which help with implantation. If you're lacking in these, there's a higher chance for miscarriage. The treatment for this disorder is 3 months of Lupron, FML!!! However the RE said it's kind of a shot in the dark, the treatment isn't completely proven to be effective, but it's worth a try. He doesn't think this is our issue, but he thought he'd suggest it.

After talking with Rob, we've decided to go forward with another FET cycle. If the FET ends in another BFN, then we'll go ahead with the lining test and see what comes up. If the test shows some abnormalities then I'd have to decide to either move forward with the treatment or just throw in the towel and move forward with adoption. We've decided to wait to do the test because both of us just don't think that's what our problem is. However, we want to do the test before we'd ever consider using donor egg. If I can't carry a child what's the point of trying to get pregnant anymore.

I'm still trying to process all this information. I asked the RE about doing a 3rd IVF and he basically said the odds just aren't in our favor and he wouldn't suggest it. I don't know if we may push the issue if this next FET fails and we go through the lining test to find things out. I just don't know if I'm ready to give up on having a biological child. I'm got alot of soul searching to do and alot of praying. I'm just ready for some sort of closure, whether it be moving forward with donor or adoption or finally getting pregnant with our embryos, I'm just ready to move on with my life, because right now I feel like I'm standing still and everyone else is moving on with their lives.

Just Getting By

2010-10-29T11:48:00.001-04:00

I apologize for not commenting or posting, I'm just trying to take each day as it comes and I guess in a way coming on here and blogging is just another reminder or what could have and should have been. I got some really good news on the non-baby front last week. Rob got a promotion which he's been trying to get for over a year. I also defended my PhD proposal and passed. My committee decided that it would also be okay for me to graduate in August 2011. We also got a new car and finally got rid of Rob's old truck. Now all of these things are wonderful and I'm happy they happened, but I would have been happier with just being pregnant and having none of these other things.

At work on Monday a post-doc whose about 35, dating some older guy found out she's pregnant. She went off the pill and didn't think that anything would happen, but of course what happened, the inevitable for everyone else who doesn't have to deal with IF. She always asks me for relationship advice and I guess she thought this topic would be fair game since she knows about what I'm going through. I can't say that I'm happy for her and I know I'm a horrible person, but I'm sorry I don't think I'll ever get over my jealousy until I finally have a viable pregnancy or know that an adoption is going through. The sting never goes away.

Our RE consult is next Tuesday morning. I know that I probably won't come away with any answers or great revelations. Most likely what will happen is he'll say, "you didn't have good results again, you have 8 frozen, they were the lower end quality, we can try a transfer and hope for the best, but the odds aren't good." I have a set of topics I want to go over with him, like whether there's still something wrong with me that is going undiagnosed, that maybe I'm rejecting the embryos, even the one's that are viable. I'm just not ready to hear that my eggs are bad and our embryos aren't healthy and they probably won't ever be. I want to keep trying, I have to keep trying, because stopping isn't an option for me. Even when I have to wait a month to get started on another treatment, I go crazy. I feel helpless and just plain sad. I try and stay as busy as I can, but the hurt and anger always finds a way in.

I'm going to give our remaining embryos the best chance they can have. I'd really like it if we could go ahead and transfer 3 this time, possibly on Day 5 again. I'm tired of being told I'm too young to do more than 2, if I have shitty embryos then what's the big deal with doing 3. We'll see what our RE has to say about that. I'm praying that I'll be able to do a transfer before the end of the year. Unfortunately our clinic closes for cleaning soon, so I just have to hope I can get in before they close. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the year if I can't move forward.

As far as what graduating early means, I have no clue. The likelihood of me finding a job here in town is pretty slim. What that means is that we will have to sell our house and move to where I can find a position and hope that Rob can transfer. Even though this is exciting and it will be a new chapter in my life, all I keep thinking about is if we move and it isn't near our RE's office, WTH am I going to do? I know I have time, but let's face it the months are rolling by and I don't feel any closer to having a baby in my arms.

Waiting

2010-10-20T10:42:00.000-04:00

Well, I've kind of gotten over the shock of everything. If I'm being honest with myself I was halfway expecting the news, but still trying to hold on to some hope. More than anything I'm just angry and tired. Tired of continually putting my body and my mind through this. Tired of feeling heartbroken all of the time. Tired of feeling like I'm still being left behind even in the infertile world. I've sworn off BBC. I can't go on there anymore. It sucks when even among those that are on their 2nd or 3rd IVF, I seem to be the only one that keeps getting passed over for a miracle. That's why I've decided I'm sticking to blogging, at least on here I don't feel like such a failure, no offense to anyone out there, but I feel good knowing I'm not the only one still going through this mess.

I really appreciate all the support you've given me. It really does help to know that someone else is sad for me and the loss of our second angel. I'm thankful that I went with my intuition and tested and requested a beta. If I hadn't done this, we would have gone to our ultrasound next Monday only to be totally devastated with the news that there isn't anything growing. I'm pissed that the on-call nurse I talked to on Friday, told me there was no way that the test I took was accurate and that I would have had lots of bleeding if my levels had dropped. Well, she evidently didn't know what she was talking about, because the nurse who gave me the news on Monday told me that all of the hormones I'm taking are what's keeping me from getting AF. Now that I'm off the meds I should get her at anytime. I'm just waiting for hell to break loose. After the M/C from my FET over the summer, my AF really wasn't all that bad as compared to my normal ones. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

As far as a consult goes we are meeting our RE on November 2 to discuss our next plan. We still have 8 frozen embryos and I'm willing to give them the chance that they deserve, but my hope is still dwindling. Everything my RE said about my 2nd IVF most likely following the same pattern as my 1st IVF is coming true, right down to the miscarriages. I can't help but slowly think that he's right that my eggs really are an issue. I'm still going to talk to him about some more testing for some rarer disorders, but also discuss the possibility that by over-stimming me both times that my quality is being affected. I can't help but wonder if quantity in my case is NOT quality. I just don't know if he'd be willing to change my protocol or whether he's just going to go off of what he's already seen in all his years of practice. After the results of the FET, we've got some decisions to make. We can either:

1. Move forward with IVF#3, hopefully a new protocol.
2. Discuss using Donor Egg.
3. Discuss using Donor Embryo.
4. Move forward with Adoption.
5. Be done with everything and wait until we can afford another option.

At this point I don't really know what I want to do. I know I don't have to make any decisions now, but with our track record I just don't have anything else to go on as far as whether our 8 embryos that are left are going to survive. I still have to decide whether being pregnant and giving birth is that important to me. If we do donor, we run the risk of losing all of the money that we've worked so hard to get. I know it's just money, but the thought of paying loans back and still having no baby to show for it makes me sick to my stomach. Rob has a different take on everything, he wants to leave it up to me, he says he's just ready to be a father, no matter how it happens. I just don't really want to make the decision on my own.

Lost My Baby

2010-10-18T16:36:00.000-04:00

I miscarried sometime last week. I took a pregnancy test on Friday and it said "Not Pregnant". I waited all weekend for a beta, today it was 3. If I hadn't tested and checked we would have found out at the ultrasound. I just want to die right now. I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong enough.

Still Surreal

2010-10-15T09:46:00.000-04:00

I'm still pinching myself every morning and really trying to remind myself that this is actually real. I guess I'm still in such a state of shock that it hasn't really sunk in yet. After my spotting and cramping on Monday, everything has stopped, which I'm greatful for. I got a really bad migraine on Wednesday night and basically just went to bed at like 7pm and didn't wake up until 8am the next day. Other than feeling fatigued, I don't have any other symptoms. It's funny how when an IFer gets to this point you're always second guessing everything. Well maybe its not healthy if I'm not having more symptoms? I find myself doing this constantly. I don't know if maybe m/s will kick in next week or not. Of course it would be nice to skip that part, but in some stupid and torturous way I actually want it, just for reassurance. I don't know if maybe once we get to the ultrasound and finally see the proof and actually hear the proof of a heartbeat it will finally sink in that I'm actually pregnant.

Update: I started spotting brown again. I pray to God this is normal!

Our Miracle

2010-10-12T09:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was so stressful. The hospital's machines broke so my RE never got my latest beta results. I called my RE early this morning and finally got my results. It went up to 176 from 70. I just can't believe it. The nurse said it was a great rise and that I don't need to do anymore betas. I'm a little nervous about that, but I trust that they know what they're doing. I had more cramping yesterday evening and had some brown discharge which really scared me. I called the on-call nurse and she said it could be good or bad, evidently it might be from late implantation. I'm supposed to just watch everything closely. I have my first ultrasound scheduled for October 25 7am. It's going to be a long two weeks.

Thank you all for being such amazing IF sisters to me. I apologize for not commenting lately on your blogs, it's been kind of a stressful week to say the least. Thank you again for all your comments and prayers, I wouldn't be here without all of you. Lots of love!

Need Some Prayers

2010-10-08T11:30:00.001-04:00

It only went to 70. I can't believe this is happening again. It went up, yes, but it didn't even remotely double. I go for another one on Monday. I'm just tired and numb right now. I feel like I'm going through deja-vu. This is breaking my heart.

Can You Repeat That?

2010-10-06T15:42:00.000-04:00

Well I've been cramping since Monday and thought it was rather odd. I don't cramp after a transfer unless I'm off the PIO and AF is a comin'. So yesterday afternoon, after playing hooky from the lab and spending an entire day with Rob, I POAS and there was a magical second line. I got on my hands and knees put my head on the toilet seat (I made sure to put in down while I was waiting) and thanked God!

My beta today 10dp5dt was 50. I'm scared s**tless. It seems a little low to me, but I will take whatever I can get. I'm still cramping, but no spotting whatsoever. My Progesterone was excellent, but the nurse said I needed to up my Estrogen a bit, so I'm on 2 patches every other day.

My 2nd beta is on Friday. I've waited 3 years and 5 months for this chance, I can wait 2 more days to see if it's going to be ok. One day at a time, that's what I'm going to do.

All of your kind comments and stories were so inspiring to me. You lifted me up when I couldn't lift myself up. I really do credit all of your thoughts, prayers, and of course God for this BFP. I'm am so thankful, there's not much else to say.

Losing It

2010-10-03T09:23:00.000-04:00

I'm such a loser, I couldn't wait and so I POAS on Friday (5dp5dt)- BFN, and this morning (7dp5dt)- BFN again. I'm losing hope and my heart is breaking again. I got our final embryology report and it wasn't good. Of the 8 embryos we had left on Day 5, none (0) made it to freeze. I'm devestated and just speechless. I don't understand. How can they tell me that things looked so much better, our grades were better and then this happens. WTH is going on? I'm losing hope that this fresh cycle worked. I still have until Wednesday before my beta, but the odds aren't looking good. With my FET, I was getting a BFP 5 days before my beta and look how that turned out. I just don't really know how much more I can take. If we get bad news on Wed, then we are going to ask for a face to face with our RE, normally they just do phone consults. We need to talk to him and really figure out what's going on. I don't know if we need to go ahead and do pre-genetic testing on the embryos and not even waste doing a transfer unless they're ok. Only problem is our RE can do the testing in house, they would have to be sent somewhere. Also, it's going to be extra money. I just don't know. I know we'll go ahead and move forward with the FET, we have to, but after that I'm at a loss. We have 1 IVF left. I never thought we'd even get to number 2.

I think I've resigned myself that we don't want to use donor. I guess I just can't imagine having a child that I know is my husband's and some other woman's. I don't have anything at all against using donor, it's just not something I can do. If we went to donor eggs, that would mean we would be out of the shared-risk program and would have to pay for the donor cycle with the money we get back. How is someone else's eggs, probably someone my age or even a few years older, better? I hyperstimmed both times, got 17 eggs the first time and 20 eggs the second time. We've done genetic testing on both of us and I've done all the clotting disorders, and nothing, nothing, was wrong. So what is it? What's going on, why are they dying? Is the protocol that my RE's using causing damage to the eggs? Is there some kind of developmental issue that we just haven't uncovered?

I'm tired, my heart is breaking a little more with every cycle we do. I know that no matter what happens, I'll know we at least tried. I've told Rob to go ahead and get the information from his company on their adoption policy. I'm a planner and I'd rather get the information now than later.

I know what everyone is thinking; this cycle isn't even over and you're already talking about the next one and getting upset about the embryos that didn't make it. I guess I just don't have much to go on, but what's previously happened to me, and what has happened to others. Yes, I shouldn't compare, but it's in my nature. I won't be testing again until Wed before my beta. I want to be prepared for the phone call whether good or bad. I have to go into the lab that day in the morning, but I'll probably come home after lunch. I know no matter what the results are, I just won't be able to compose myself at school.

On another note I got more bad news on Friday. For the past few years, I've noticed that I have to turn up the volume on most things, higher than what other's use. My mom got hearing aids at a pretty young age, 45 for her first, 56 for her other ear. I went to an Audiologist and had a hearing test done. Based on the results, I've lost hearing in both of my ears, my R is worse. The doctor thinks it's degenerative and hereditary, so they recommended hearing aids. I cried when I got in my car. I feel like I'm falling apart, piece by piece. I know it isn't the end of the world, but considering hearing aids aren't covered by insurance, it's just one more expense we don't have the funds for.

What's next God? My ears are bad, my sinuses are bad, my eggs are bad, my thyroid is bad, my brain isn't that great when it comes to dealing with things, what's left? Are you done yet? I'm only one person. I consider myself to be a strong woman, but seriously what's next? Are you trying to tell me I'm not fit to carry a child, that I'm not fit to pass my genes on? Is that it? Are you trying to tell me that there's so much going on in my body that carrying a child just isn't possible? Is all of this just pushing us towards adoption? I don't know, all I know is that I'm drained from all this IF s**t.

Why Does It Seem Like Time Is Stopping?

2010-09-29T13:58:00.000-04:00

Things have been going ok for me so far since the transfer. My bloating is slowly but surely going down. I am having some slight cramping each day, but I'm trying to not over analyze it. I just don't want to start down that road again. I've been trying to stay away from BBC this time because if I go on there like I usually do to see how everyone is, it keeps reminding me of my upcoming beta. I just kind of want to step back and not be reminded of it. I guess this is a way for me to protect myself from having an anxiety attack, which happened after my first fresh transfer. With my FET all I did was POAS for like 5 days straight 2x a day before my actual beta (I may be over-exaggerating, but only slightly). I guess I was just so excited to finally see 2 lines, a plus, or even that word I keep wanting to be associated with "Pregnant," I just kept testing. When I got my 2nd beta that hadn't even risen 10pts, my world fell apart again. I just don't want to put myself through that again. I blame myself for how starting that POAS train, I've got to stop myself from doing it this time. I need to keep telling myself that I am just throwing money away if I buy another HPT. No matter if I see a positive, my beta's are what matters. Next Wed just feels like such an eternity from now. Even though I'm trying to stay busy in the lab, I swear time just creeps by me. I really wonder if while going through the 2ww, our perception of time changes. Anyways, gotta get back to work and trying to not think about what I want to think about every waking minute.

And The Wait Begins....Again

2010-09-27T09:40:00.001-04:00

So the transfer is complete! I had 1 Grade 1 Blast and 1 Grade 1 Stage 3 Morula transferred. I really wanted to do 3, but the RE's office won't allow it because of my age. They said that the most they would ever do is 2, because there's still a possibility that one of the embryos could split into identical twins. I was a little hesitant about this, but I understand that their top priority is getting you pregnant with one healthy baby that can be delivered at term. I just feel so blessed this time with how well our embryos did. I certainly credit the acupuncture, extra thyroid meds, and lots of prayer! I've tried to remain alot calmer this time and not stress out about what may or may not happen. I keep reminding myself everyday, "I will be pregnant and I will deliver a healthy baby."

Our latest freeze report showed that 8 embryos were frozen on Day 2, all good quality. As of yesterday morning we still had 10 embryos growing, which is absolutely amazing, considering last time at our FET after thawing and growing for 3 days, we had 2 surviving embryos out of 11. The Embryologist decided to let this second batch all reach Blast stage before freezing, so we'll get another report in the mail in the next week letting us know how many made it to freezing. If you add all of these up, miraculously there's 18 (including the 2 we transferred), not 17 like my nurse said for the Fert Report. So out of 20 eggs retrieved, we had 18 embryos even by Day 2. That's absolutely amazing. I am so very thankful, because I know that some have an extremely difficult time with producing alot of eggs. Now granted the recovery after the ER this time was hellish, I wouldn't trade the results for anything.

My first beta is set for October 6, which would be exactly 4w1d. I have exactly 1 pregnancy test in the house and I think I will use it on October 5. If I can stand it I may save it for the morning of my beta, but my will power probably won't last. Since I only did 3000 IU of HCG, it should actually already be out of my system. My RE gave me a low dose for both of my ER, I'm guessing b/c of the follicle count. It's going to be a very long week, but I'm going to try and stay as busy as possible with school. My professor and his wife have left for China for 3 weeks, so I've got to make the most of my time so that when they return I'll have lots of experimental data to show them. I finished another draft of my proposal and should get the OK to send it to my committee really soon. This is a huge milestone in itself for me, since it was my first attempt at writing a mock grant.

Thank you all for being so sweet to me during this IVF. It really means so much to me. Love to you all.

And Then There Were 17

2010-09-24T10:43:00.000-04:00

I am such a horrible ICLWer. I apologize for not getting back to everyone and leaving an update. It's been really crazy since my ER and I've been having a really difficult recovery this time, nothing like my first one. Thank you everyone for all your kind words and encouragement.

So my ER on Tuesday went well. They retrieved 20 eggs. And yesterday we got the Fert Report saying we had 17 embryos. I'm really really thrilled with this. I just want one good one that stays strong and healthy and makes it to transfer on Sunday. We are probably going to freeze some today (Day 3) and let another batch grow til Sunday (Day 5). They'll transfer the best 2 or 3 and then if there are still some left, freeze those as well. At this point I'm just holding my breath, I don't have anything else to go on but what happened last time. The nurse assured me at this point that they looked really good and to not worry, but it's in my nature to worry. I feel so protective already over these embryos, I just want them to live above all.

The first two days after my ER were not good. I was in so much pain, I was popping codeine/tylenol like candy and it wasn't even touching it. I had such severe cramping yesterday morning that I started throwing up. I called the nurse hotline at like 6am and she told me just to take more pain pills and call if it didn't improve. The pills finally knocked me out and the cramping subsided. On top of all that, everything I'm on right now gives me dizziness, which in turn makes me nauseous. Sweet!! I'm still bloated like nobody's business too. It's going down a little at a time, but I'm concerned that I certainly have the makings of OHSS. My RE said that they will do a scan of my ovaries and make the call then if the transfer will be cancelled. I'm feeling somewhat better today which is a good sign.

Another lovely side-effect of all the meds and the anesthesia is constipation. I hadn't had a BM since Monday until yesterday morning. I went to my Acupuncturist for one last appt before my transfer and he did some points for this and the bloating. I couldn't believe it but right when I got home from the appointment I had the best BM I think I've ever had in my life. It was so cathartic, literally. I know this is a wonderful picture I'm painting for everyone, but I figure I talk about my ovaries, vagina, uterus, and everything else why not throw in the other end too?

Anywho, my MIL is coming in tonight to help out. Unfortunately Rob's wonderful company won't allow him to take any more time off, so they've got him scheduled to work 9 days straight. FU company I can't name!!! She'll take me to my transfer on Sunday and drive me home. I'm sad Rob can't be there, but I know he's supporting me another way, financially.

As far as school is concerned, I have my committee meeting set for October 22. EEEKKKK!! That means in less than a month I may find out if I'm graduating in May instead of in May 2012. This is going to be a big day. I'm nervous about it, but I know it's in God's hands and I'll be ok no matter what. I'm really going to miss my professor and his wife, they're like family to me, especially his wife. She's our lab coordinator and basically my mom at school. They both know about my IVF and have been really supportive, but more so she has. They're going to be gone for 3 weeks to go back to China to visit their families and son who still lives there. She told me to email her the minute I get my beta results and I certainly will.

Well, I'll let you know what time my transfer will be once I get the call from the nurse's today. Love to you all!

Retrieval Tuesday

2010-09-20T12:08:00.001-04:00

Aaaahhhh, it's here the big retrieval! My u/s yesterday showed just as many huge follicles. My RE can't believe that even on a lower dose protocol I responded with even more follicles than last time. Unfortunately, I'm hyperstimming, of course, so he put me on meds for that like he did last time. He says he can't take the chance of something dangerous happening to me if I don't go on the meds, so I completely agreed with him. We don't know about the transfer yet, we are just going to have to wait until we get the Fert Report on Thursday morning. I'm pushing for a 5dt just b/c I would rather the embies grow now (fresh) and the not-so-good one's be weeded out before freezing. However, our RE told us that based on their stats, if they freeze the rest on Day 5, they have less success rates than if they freeze on Day 3 and then allow them to grow after the thaw. I just don't know, I trust my RE and the Embryologist, but I just have a feeling that watching the embies grow now and transferring the absolute best fresh, might give us a better shot. I'm also pushing for 3 this time, instead of just 2. Well, I've got alot of work to do today, but I'll try and post after my retrieval. Love to you all!

Pure Craziness

2010-09-18T12:37:00.000-04:00

I'm such a bad blogger and friend, but I promise it's because of a good reason! Here's what's been going on these past few days.

IVF Update: So things are progressing really smoothly. Yesterday I had another U/S follicle check up and drumroll please .... I have 20 follicles ranging from 9-14mm on my Right ovary and about 10 follicles the same size on my Left. Kind of weird about my Left being half as responsive, but I read somewhere that sometimes you can have a dominant ovary. Every time I ever ovulated w/o meds it was usually on my R, I know this b/c I would always get O pains. So based on these results, looks like I could be hyperstimming yet again. Sweet! However, the best news is that my Acupuncture treatments seem to be helping with all the fluid retention. I was really huge and felt horrible on Monday, but by Wednesday after I had a treatment, most of my bloating was gone. Now mind you it's several days later and I'm feeling huge again, but it's a different kind of huge, mostly my abdomen is tighter and big, not so much bloated like it got last time. It hurts to really move around too much, so I'm trying not to walk around if I can help it. We are going back yet again on Sunday morning for another check up. If things look good and enough of the follicles are the right size, I will go ahead and trigger and my ER would be Tuesday. If my RE thinks I need another day of Stims, so some of the follies that are smaller can catch up, I would trigger Monday and ER would be Wednesday. I have no idea what the plans are for the actual Transfer, even as far as how many we might do this time. I will probably ask tomorrow and see what my RE says. I'm just praying that out of all the follicles there is ONE egg that becomes a strong healthy embryo that can be transferred and will live to become our child. I'm trying not to think about what happened last time and compare this cycle to it, but I can't help it. I'm trying my best to stay positive and tell myself that by adding Acupuncture and more vitamins to my regimen, that maybe things will be different.

Hypothyroid Test Results: Because I've been concerned that maybe my thyroid levels played a role in all the negative results we got last time, I had my levels rechecked. My TSH and T4 were perfect, but my T3 was on the "Low Normal" side of the normal range of values. My Endocrinologist was not happy with this and decided to double one of my thryoid meds. However, I asked her if this value could have played a role in any of the results from last time and she said she couldn't be sure. She did reassure me that since I've already started the new dose of my meds, that within a month or so my levels should be rising, evidently it's pretty fast-acting. This makes me feel better, but since I already started the stimming and lupron about 5 days before I started the double dose of meds, could my eggs already be affected by my low T3? I don't know and I don't think we'll know anything until we do the ER and get the Fert Report. Please just pray that I caught this early enough to maybe make a difference.

PhD and Graduation: So most of you know I'm in grad school getting my PhD in Neuroscience. Well a week ago, my professor told our lab that he was not offered tenure and was going to be losing his job in June 2011. So what effect does this have on me you might ask? It changes everything!!! I will be meeting with my committee on October 22 to present and defend my proposal and to discuss with them whether they think I have completed enough work to warrant allowing me to graduate in May 2011 with my professor. If they believe I need to do more work or that it would be in my best interest to join another lab for at least another year, then that means I will graduate when I already thought I would, in another 2 years. The program that I am in normally takes 5 years, I would be cutting it down to 4. So basically my work load has been tripled and I will be basically living in the lab for the next year. It would be a blessing if I could go ahead and graduate early. If you've paid attention to the timing of my IVF, if I get a BFP and it sticks, my due date will be June 2011. I truly believe this is God's way of preparing us for something huge. If I do graduate early then I will either try and find a post-doc position at FSU and stay here for another year or two, so we can sell our house and try and save some money up. (Post-docs receive 2X as much money as I do, and I wouldn't have to worry about paying student fees every semester!). If this doesn't work out then I will have to find a post-doc position or an actual job somewhere else. This would mean I would probably move and rent a place, while Rob stayed here in town to try and sell our house. This isn't the ideal situation, but whatever happens will be what God meant for us to do. Everything is going to work out. No matter what, I WILL get my degree. Luckily the department heads of my program have reassured me that I won't be left out in the rain b/c of what happened to my prof. I will be taken care b/c I had nothing to do with what happened to my prof.

So as you can see ALOT has happened in the past two weeks. God is certainly working in our lives right now. I'm looking forward to see what happens. Will let you all know how things progress! Love to you all!

Back In The Stirrups Again

2010-09-08T16:10:00.000-04:00

Well my first U/S for this IVF was yesterday morning. It was an early drive at 4am and our appt was at 7. Things went just fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Our RE did look over my chart for a little while after he did my U/S. He didn't say much for a little while, then said something about you got 17 eggs, and did 2 transfers and have no embryos left, not very good values, blah blah. I was like I know, but maybe this time will be different. He said my protocol will change as far as my dosages for my stims. Instead of starting me out really high like last time and then me getting OHSS, we are going to go a little slower in the hopes that we still get enough eggs, but maybe better quality. I'm really wondering if the OHSS didn't have an effect on the quality or if maybe my stress during the whole cycle didn't contribute. I mean honestly, we've tested for EVERYTHING! I don't have any chromosomal issues, I don't have clotting disorders, my hormone levels were perfect, then WTH happened?? He can't say, other than quality is an issue. I really like my RE, he's super nice and very gentle when doing all the exams, but I guess I just wish he was more aggressive about trying something different or really looking into why things ended the way they did. I guess I'm just hoping that the acupuncture I'm doing will help and that if I don't get OHSS this time, maybe my eggs will be better. I know there is usually always some loss of embryos along the way for one reason or another, but I still can't help questioning how we ended up with so many and that each day we lost a few at a time. My next U/S is scheduled for Friday morning. Hopefully I'll have some nice follies on both sides beginning to appear.

Lupron

2010-09-03T21:54:00.000-04:00

Well I've done 2 of about 20-something Lupron shots. But for the last week I've been sick with an upper respiratory infection that became laryngitis which in turn became a sinus infection. I am so lucky!! So the NP I went to gave me a z..pak but it didn't do anything, so now she wants me to take another antibiotic. Ugh, I'm kind of worried about what being on Abs while doing my suppression meds is going to do. Hopefully it will be ok, I mean they make you take an Ab before your ER, right? Anywho, not much else going on, just trying to get back in gear with school. I have a grant writing class this semester which is going to be alot of work, but it's certainly something that will be beneficial for me in the long haul. I have my first U/S on Tuesday morning and I start Stims that night, can't believe it's starting again.

She's Here!

2010-08-13T13:42:00.000-04:00

Finally after almost 7 weeks, AF arrived! Yey. That means I start BCPs and stay on them for 3 weeks. My IVF start appointment is September 7; which is less than a month away. Finally!!! It feels like I've been waiting forever to start again. I'm going to be using the same meds which is wonderful because I still have a ton leftover. That means I only have to buy Lupron, HCG, some Progesterone and a few boxes of Bravelle, perfect! I'm looking forward to finally getting on the IVF train again. Hoping this time it works out!

Trying Something New

2010-08-03T17:27:00.000-04:00

I decided last week that since I knew I was going to be moving forward with another IVF after I got my test results back that I was going to look into trying acupuncture. Well today I went ahead and called a clinic and I have my first consult on Thursday. I'm actually kind of excited about it. It's going to be kind of pricey, but at this point I'm willing to do anything to improve my chances. AF still hasn't shown up yet, which has me bummed. I feel like I'm always waiting around for my body to catch up to what my mind wants to do. It's so freaking ridiculous sometimes. I think if I read CD40, I may call the RE and ask for some promera. Anyways, not much else going on. Just waiting around, as usual.

Results-Normal

2010-07-27T11:41:00.000-04:00

I finally got the call yesterday with my results. No blood clot disorders and my chromosome analysis came back Normal. This is great news, but on the other hand there's still no explanation for why our embies arrested and I m/c so early. I know with IF sometimes there's never an answer, but gosh I just wanted something to explain it. It's always easier to feel like there's something that can be fixed. I did get the confirmation that once AF comes again I can start BCPs again. That means IVF#2 will probably be in September. I can't believe I'm going thru this all over again. I'm scared. I just don't want the same thing to happen; it would be devestating. I know we still have 2 tries left before we have to consider other options, but just knowing that we already had such a bad first attempt makes me worried about what this next go round will be like. My RE even said in his opinion what happens the first time usually happens again. He wasn't very positive, but ultimately unless he says we can't try again, it's up to us. So now I wait yet again for AF to come; freakin' story of my life.

Bled Dry

2010-07-15T10:37:00.000-04:00

Well I went in on Tuesday morning to the hospital and got the blood drawn for all the tests my RE ordered. I was there for almost an hour and a half (the only one) while the nurses figured out the order. The nurse even had to call my REs office to get confirmation on one of the tests he ordered because they'd never done it before. Even one of the tests isn't available, so it beats me what he's looking for. Anyway they finally got things straight and they took 13 vials of blood. Gosh that was more than any of the early IF screening I had to do. It was ridiculous, but it's done and now the waiting for the results begins. I'll probably call my RE in about 2 weeks to see what's come in and how many tests they're still waiting on. My RE doesn't want to go over anything until he's got all the results back. Ugh and here I thought I was done with all the waiting, certainly wrong there.

Twisted and Torn

2010-07-10T13:35:00.001-04:00

I guess I was kind of all gung-ho about possibly doing donor just so our chances would be better, but after having a few nights to sleep on it; I'm NOT ready. I talked with a nurse on Friday and she ordered all of the labwork; we're doing a miscarriage panel and several other genetic tests. She also reiterated what I already knew that there's no way to test the quality of the eggs. You just have to fertilize and wait and see. So I guess scientists can test sperm all day long, but haven't figured out how to test eggs? Interesting...

The nurse also told me they didn't want to put me in touch with the donor nurse yet until we get all the bloodwork results back, which could take weeks. I think I've decided to wait and see how the results turn out and unless there's something that gives us a reason why we shouldn't use my eggs, I want to try again. I mean we paid for 3 tries, we've done 1, so we've got 2 left. Only problem is in our agreement if the doctor's don't think you can carry a child or if they find any other reason to not agree you should move forward, they can choose to remove us from the shared-risk program. That would be so devestating to me. I think though, if I really talk to my RE about how we feel about everything I could get him to agree to at least one more try. I'm just not ready to give up on having a child that's biologically ours. I have tons of flaws and there's alot of bad stuff as far as depression, anxiety, alchoholism, substance abuse, high cholesterol, obesity, hypothyroidism, and now infertility on my side of the family. But aren't there these kinds of things in most families? Yes, I know there's alot more, but until the doctor's tell me I've got some life-threatening condition that I could pass on to my kids or some kind of genetic defect that would cause major issues, I guess I'm still willing to take a chance.

Hopefully I'll get the lab orders by Monday and we can start waiting again for more results.

The Problem Is Your Eggs

2010-07-08T18:12:00.000-04:00

Yep, that's what the RE said. Was I expecting it? No. Am I starting to feel a little more okay about it? Yes. We were already prepared to possibly use donor sperm, well it just got switched on us. In all honesty we just want to be parents. And at this point I don't care how it happens. I don't even know if I really even care all that much about being pregnant. Sure I would love to go thru the experience, but if it isn't in the cards for us, I think I'm more prepared for it now that we've gone thru a failed IVF. We tried everything and I feel like there wasn't much more we could do. I will be doing some bloodwork to check for clotting disorders and also do a chromosome analysis on me. But even if the results come back ok, I just don't know if I'm prepared to go thru another IVF attempt, when the likelihood the results will be same is pretty high. I'm hoping I can get some answers from the donor nurse in the morning. I have no idea how this will play into the cost of everything. I looked online and the donor-egg shared risk program is like $27,500. S**T!!! But if after the 3rd attempt you still don't have a baby (live), then you get 100% back, which is nice. I just don't think we'd be able to come up with the money. We're already straped enough as it is, with paying for 2 loans for what we had to borrow for the shared risk program we already belong to. I'm hoping they can come up with some kind of plan that would just use some of the money we've already spent so we won't have to come up with more. Gosh this sucks! Welcome to the world of infertility.....

100

2010-06-29T22:13:00.000-04:00

Well I guess this is a milestone, I finally hit 100 posts. I wish this one was going to be more enthusiastic or that I was going on about how happy I was to be pregnant, but that's not the case. AF started on Monday night and has been really really painful. This might be TMI so if you don't want to read I understand. I passed a huge clot today and inside of it was a little cyst with a very small dark spot. I'm positive this was my embryo. I've never ever had anything like that before with any AF I've had these past 3 years. God, it made it so real. I just couldn't believe it. I said a prayer for my little embie.

I have another beta in the morning to see if my levels have dropped properly. If they have there's a chance the nurse may give me the go ahead to start BCPs again. I'd feel alot better and more optimistic if we went ahead and got going again. I know I need the rest, but honestly I was hardly 5 weeks and to me moving forward helps me heal more than anything else. Unfortunately if my number isn't good I may be forced to do the dreaded "Shot". We were planning on going to Charleston and to see my parents this weekend for our 5th Anniversary. We are hoping to leave Wed night and come back on Monday, but if the levels aren't down then my trip will be cancelled so I can get the shot and do more bloodwork. I'm praying this doesn't happen, Rob and I need this time away. Even if part of it is spent with my parents who drive me nuts, it's still nice to just get away. Here's hoping we get some good news for once.

Miscarriage

2010-06-23T15:43:00.000-04:00

Do I even call it that? I mean I knew I was pregnant on Sunday, got confirmation on Wednesday and then last Friday everything fell apart. I didn't get to see an ultrasound, hear a heartbeat, or even get the chance to truly be happy with the news. It all happened so quickly. My beta dropped to 145, so at least I didn't have to make the choice to terminate, it was made for me. I stop all the meds today and wait for probably the worst AF I'll ever have. I have a repeat beta next Wed to see how far my levels have dropped. Our phone consult with our RE is set for July 8. I can't believe it's so far away. Our 5 year anniversary is on July 2. We're going to Charleston for a night, the place we met and married and then on to see my parents and some of my relatives. I was hoping this would be our first anniversary as expectant parents, well there's goes that dream. So I guess we will start IVF#2 in a few months. I'm sure I'll have to wait a few weeks for AF to even shown, then I guess I may have to wait another cycle before I start BCPs again, I'm not really sure. I guess when AF shows I'll call and find out. But with my luck they will make me wait another cycle before I even start the pill again. This wasn't how I even imagined our first attempt at IVF would go. Guess I should have realized with out luck thus far that something was bound to go wrong. It was inevitable. Nothing is ever going to be handed to us, especially a baby.

Thank you all for your love and support. I'll actually be on here more now and be staying away from BabyCenter. The IVF group I belong to has so many freaking BFPs (3 sets of twins) and many that are already moms, it's just a bad place for me to be, even if I'm just lurking. Love to you all. I'll make it somehow.

Being Real

2010-06-22T16:39:00.000-04:00

This is it. One more beta on Wed and then it will finally be over. I am preparing for the worst and being realistic. The likelihood this is not a viable pregnancy is very high its the truth no way around it. In almost 6 days my beta went from 103 to only 165. I cant help but know that this isnt normal. Theres something very wrong and theres nothing I can do about it. I hate everything about IVF. It gave me hope. I had 11 embryos and there are 0 left. None. My biggest fear has come true. I know theres something wrong with my eggs. What else could explain it. 11 embryos dont just die for no reason. I will find out why. I have to know. Id rather find out that my eggs are screwed up than go thru another miscarriage. I was happy for less than 48 hours and that joy was ripped away. I will be changed by this. Theres no way around that. Ive lost a little more of the minimal hope that I have. When will it all run out?

Devestated

2010-06-18T17:28:00.000-04:00

My 2nd beta was only 119 after 2 full days. I'm just numb. I have to go back and get a 3rd one on Monday and then just hope for the best. There's nothing more I can do but pray.

Finally!

2010-06-16T15:58:00.000-04:00

Got the confirmation. Beta was 103 and my Prog and Estrogen are all good! I'm thinking only one cooking, but that it fine by me. I just can't believe it's finally happened. Thank you all for supporting me and building me up when I've been so down. I wouldn't have made it without all of your support. Love to you all!

Is It Real?

2010-06-14T17:42:00.000-04:00

Well I know I've been MIA since my FET, guess I just kind of wanted to take everything in. When we got there, the doctor took us back and told us that they had to un-thaw all 9 of our frozen embryos. I couldn't believe it. Then the worst news only 2 survived til Day 7. They were Stage 3 Blasts, which we were told is very good. But all I kept thinking was, they are all gone, there's nothing left. So I had the transfer and cried afterwards. I was just so overwhelmed. But I kept telling myself, there are 2 strong ones in you, keep remembering that. So yesterday morning, 6 days post, I used a FRER, and within a minute saw a faint 2nd line. This morning that 2nd line was darker, and then just a little while ago I took this. Is it real? My beta isn't until Thursday (10dpt), but I'm gonna call and see if I can get one earlier.

Bittersweet

2010-05-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

Things have been kind of hard the past few days. Our best "couple" friends had their baby on Monday morning. She got PG the first month off BCPs, didn't have morning sickness, or any other complications during her pregnancy. We went to take care of their dogs on Sunday night at around 11pm then went back to the hospital to wait in the visitor area for a few hours. We took them some food and then went back to our place too sleep. I got up around 8am and went back to the hospital to wait with their families. Rob joined me for a few hours too. Their baby girl was born at 11:30am and weighed 8lb 3oz and is named Cadence (Cadie for short). I had to go to the school for a few hours then I went back to the hospital and finally got the chance to go meet her. I held her for a few moments and it was so surreal. All I kept thinking was am I ever going to get to hold my own child? She was so peaceful; teeny tiny fingernails, beautiful little lips, so innocent. I left the room when they needed to check her over and I haven't spoken to them since. Rob and I have texted them and called to give our congrats and even asked if they needed any help. Our friendship I don't think will ever be the same. They have a new little one to take care of, and all of their plans will be based around her. I certainly can't blame them b/c I know that's exactly what will happen when we have kids, but it's still bittersweet. I am happy for them, but I have to admit, I cried when I got home that day. I cried because I wished with all my heart that it was Rob and I in that hospital room with our baby, not them.

I know we are getting closer, day by day, to our FET, but it's still hard to keep waiting. We have our appt on June 1, it can't get here soon enough.

FET#1 Has Begun

2010-05-21T11:21:00.000-04:00

Well I got a lovely surprise after speaking with one of my best friends about the woes of Aunt Flo. Unbeknownst (don't you just love that word) to me, AF decided to show up at 11pm that very night. I have never been so happy to see AF!! I called the RE the following morning and have set up my CD13 U/S and B/W for June 1, and they tentatively told me my FET will be on Monday June 7. Gosh, June can't get here quick enough.

Our beach trip was wonderful. It was so nice not to have to look at a clock and be on a time schedule. We had alot of fun fishing and just being together. Rob's mom got a little annoying after a while, especially when she tried to tell Rob and I that the name's we liked weren't that great because we needed a stronger first name to go with our weird last name. Uh, excuse me??? Where does she get off telling us what to name our hypothetical children?? Anyways, I just let it go, b/c I didn't want to get into a fight over it especially since they were allowing us to stay at their rented beach house without paying for anything except for all the food for the week. I have to be greatful for that. We wouldnt' have been able to go otherwise. When we got home I told Rob if she even thinks about telling me about names again, I will set her straight.

Anyways, only done one patch so far, but by the 1st I'll be up to 4 patches every 2 days. What I didn't know was that I'll be on the PIO shots and the patches for the first trimester. I thought I was only going to have to do the shots, but I guess not. Hey, it's certainly better than more shots, one in the butt is certainly enough everyday.

Beach

2010-05-08T10:48:00.001-04:00

I have been waiting for this vacation for months now. We are finally heading to the beach for a week of bliss. I am so excited. This week at the lab absolutely dragged by, it was such torture. I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday on my own. I was doubled over with cramps for about 10 minutes, and then they went away, gotta love those O pains. That being said, I'm still going to start my Provera on Monday. RE said even if by some small chance we get PG naturally, yeah right, the Provera won't hurt anything. Here's hoping the Provera does it's job and I don't have a greater than 40 day-long cycle. Once AF arrives I'll be calling to set up my CD13 U/S and B/W. I'll start my estrogen patches on Day 1 as well. This should be interesting, never done patches before so we shall see how it goes. I am thankful to not have to do 20 million injections before the FET. Gosh, it can't get here soon enough. Hoping our little embies will be strong enough to make it to blast so we can transfer 3 and re-freeze the others.

NIAW and RE Consult

2010-04-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

This week was NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week). A week for those of us that are going thru IF or have been thru IF. Finally we get the recognition that we deserve. Love to all my IF sisters, you know who you are.

Well, we had our RE consult on Wed and it went really well. Of course there's no way of knowing why the first transfer didn't work, but I'm dealing with it a little more each day. We've decided to thaw 6 embryos, allow them to grow to blast stage, then transfer back 3. If there are any remaining blasts they can re-freeze them for later use. If all goes well that would still leave 3 remaining frosties. In another week on CD21, I'll start Provera, so that my cycle won't be so long. The RE said he thought it would be just fine and probably save me having to wait another week or longer for AF to show. Once AF does show I'll start Vivelle patches for at least 13 days. On CD13 I will go in for B/W and an U/S to check my lining. Then they will go ahead and defrost the embies. If all goes well and AF doesn't show up late, we could have the FET as early as the end of May or early June. I'm getting excited again. I hate that I'm having to wait so long, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Trying To Feel Better

2010-04-21T11:49:00.000-04:00

Well it's been exactly one week since we got the BFN news. I can say that I'm starting to feel better about it, but it's not something I can easily just forget. I had supposedly 2 healthy embies and neither stuck. How am I supposed to be ok with that? They didn't live inside of me, they didn't grow any further inside of me, everything that was supposed to happen didn't. I'm really anxious to see what our RE has to say at our consult next week. I've basically thought about what I want to do and it boils down to more bloodwork to make sure I don't have any clotting disorders which would prevent implantation and the fact that we WILL be transferring 3 frosties for our FET. Rob and I are both adamant that this happens. In all honesty we don't want to have to do this again, we want multiples, and we want to be able to move on with our lives. Yes, don't get me wrong, if we end up with just one healthy baby, I will be beyond thrilled, but that means I will still have to pay more money to go thru another FET (and spend more on meds again) and we would have to start TTC all over again if we wanted more children. I'm an only child and hated it growing up, Rob and I both want at least 2 children, of course I would love more than that, but it may just not happen for us. AF finally started on Monday, exactly 5 days after my last PIO shot. It's funny that after two days of not doing the shots, my hips and butt on both sides finally started hurting. So not only do I get to enjoy the loveliness of AF, I get an ever so fun reminder that I was doing shots not so long ago to try and keep a pregnancy that never happened. Perfect.

BFN IVF#1

2010-04-15T10:13:00.000-04:00

Well the title sums it up. Beta was 0.7, not even a glimmer of hope. The more I think about it the more I think those lines I thought I saw were just evap lines. I would rather think that I was never PG than think that I was PG and then lost them. Of the 6 ladies on a BBC Board that went thru IVF or a FET at the same time I did, I was the only one that didn't get a BFP. Love those odds. Did my RE hold his tongue differently when he did the transfer? Was it because Rob wasn't there for the transfer? Why? I know I will never know, but I feel like I'm entitled to a little jealousy right now. Having feelings of anger and jealousy are easier for me to deal with at the moment than feeling completely helpless. I have to wait for AF to show in a few days and then wait an entire "natural" cycle before we can do anything else. I'm super pissed about that, and please don't tell me that it will give my body and mind time to heal, I've heard it many times before and it still pisses me off, so please spare me. And the lovely nurse who told me the news said if your next cycle doesn't come in 45 days you can call for some Provera, oh thanks, I really appreciate that. So unless my body decides to be nice to me this next month, I could be waiting another 50 days or longer, that's just perfect. I know you can all tell from this post that I'm pissed off, but at this point this is my coping mechanism. I get angry, I've cried all I can cry, there aren't anymore tears left at least for this cycle. It's done, it's over, not a thing I can do to change the results. I'll be better in a few days or maybe a few weeks, just give me some time. Our RE consult is schedule for April 28.

11dp3dt

2010-04-13T10:51:00.000-04:00

So it's been a really tough couple of days. I started POAS last week got a faint positive, then the next morning got a negative. I got another faint positive on Sunday, and then another negative yesterday morning. It pretty much drove me nuts. I luckily didn't POAS this morning and will not on Wed, since it's the day of my beta. My emotions have been all over the place; I've been really really down and then pretty optimistic, sometimes within the same hour. I've cried at least once everyday since Friday because I've been so concerned that since I wasn't getting a darker second line that something was surely wrong. I know that I brought this upon myself by testing early and probably testing at all, which my RE suggests we do not do, but it's a hard habit to break, especially when you've been POAS pretty much every month for 3 years straight. I'm doing better this morning. I have been at least keeping up with my BBT and over the past few days it's been getting really high for me. My normal baseline is 97.4. If I have temps over 98 usually right before AF and then they drop to around 97.8, AF is sure to come either that same day or the next. Since Friday my temps have been around 98.3 and this morning it was 98.65, the highest I have every gotten since I've been charting. Something is certainly going on, hopefully something good. I've been a big slacker at school these past few weeks and I know my prof is probably getting a little upset about it, but at this point I'm so focused on myself and Rob, I just can't do much else. I'm hoping that once I do get that BFP finally, no matter if it's now or after a FET, that I'll finally be able to breathe a little easier and get back to work like I know I need to. I've had some cramping off and on over the past few days, no spotting whatsoever, which I guess is a good thing. Wish me luck, this test could change my life.

8dp3dt

2010-04-10T10:15:00.000-04:00

I am such a bad blogger. I guess I've just been trying to not think of it as much, but of course it never works. Well I tested on Thursday and saw a very very faint line on a FRER, but then I tested on Friday morning and it was negative, devestating to say the least. I decided not to test this morning and will test again on Sunday morning since that will be 9dp3dt (12dp). I know it may not show anything either, but I guess I just want to feel productive and if POAS does that then so be it. Of course, I'll be sad if I don't see that ever elusive second line, but I will tell myself it is still too early. On one of the boards on BBC that I'm on, one of the gals just had a beta 10dp5dt and it was only 32, but her docs were ok with that. With a beta that low, it wouldn't even show up on some sticks, so I guess even if on the day of my beta I don't get a BFP, it may still not be over. I'm so thankful for the weekend, but Monday and Tuesday of next week are gonna be torture, I can feel it. Luckily Rob has Wednesday off so he will be coming with me to the hospital where I get the test done. I will have to go in to the school for a little while, but then I will probably skip the rest of the day to come home and wait for the most important phone call of my life. I never realized how different IVF was from IUI. Right now I know that I have two embryos in my uterus, I've never had that before; it's a completely different feeling. I'm already protective of them, I already speak to them each day, I want them to stay around so much, but I know I have absolutely no control over what happens, and that sucks. But, it's a lesson that God has been trying to teach me throughout this 3 year journey. I am NOT in control, He IS. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I'm hoping since tomorrow is Sunday and church day, maybe God will bless us early, just this once.

ET Friday

2010-04-01T14:54:00.000-04:00

So alot has happened this week. I did get confirmation of OHSS, and let me tell you it's not fun at all. My ER was Tuesday morning and it went really well. I'm still very swollen and very tender, but doing my best to drink lots of fluids. We got 17 eggs!!

Of the 17, 16 fertilized, but not all of the eggs were mature enough. We have 4 Grade 3 Embryos, 8 Grade 2 Embryos, and 4 Grade 1 Embryos (RE doesn't think these will make it). We are going to do a Day 3 ET with at least 3 of the best. RE wants to be able to freeze as many as possible. I'm anxious and nervous, but ultimately just excited. This time tomorrow I will be PUPO.

Possibility of OHSS

2010-03-24T18:03:00.000-04:00

Well I had some good news at my scan this morning and some bad news. The good news is I have 4-12mm, 4-11mm, 3-10mm, and 10 to 12-9mm. The bad news is my RE thinks I am on the verge of OHSS. I'm extremely swollen and my ovaries are killing me. It's even uncomfortable to walk around. Worse case scenario he will let me do my ER and postpone my ET. He'll go ahead and get all the eggs and freeze whatever embryos that form and then I'll do FETs until all the embies are gone. I'm nervous and scared about all of this, but I know I don't have any control over what happens. Please pray that I don't get OHSS and that my ET isn't postponed.

Stims

2010-03-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

So I've only been on Menopur and Bravelle for 2 days and already I feel like crap. Everyday like clockwork I've gotten a headache that will not go away. Yesterday AF showed with a fury and taking Tylenol doesn't help with my cramps. So needless to say I skipped school yesterday, stayed in bed all day, and tried to get as much sleep as I could. I feel a little bit better today. In the morning I go in for an U/S check and B/W to check my Estradiol levels. I guess I'll get a call letting me know what dose my RE wants me to take for the next few days after my appt. I am counting the days down one by one until my ER. Hoping for lots of good follies in the coming days! I'm praying that things continue to go smoothly and I won't get delayed any because of lack of growth or suppression issues. So far so good.

Soul Sisters

2010-03-15T20:38:00.000-04:00

I had a fabulous weekend with some amazing women. I rested, relaxed, laughed, cried, and everything in between. It was exactly what I needed. I never truly realized how close I could be with someone I have never met and only bonded with over the internet. These lovely gals are my soul sisters and my life truly wouldn't be the same without them in it. They have been better friends to me than any of my IRL friends and I will be forever greatful to them for that. I only hope that I've been able to do the same for them. Love you bunches Jamie, Carli, and Melissa.

I hope next year or the next trip I will be able to meet and see some of the other wonderful ladies who have supported me along the way. Katie, Kerri, Ellie, Des, Lau and all my Blogger friends, thank you for caring about me and supporting me along the way. You have all been life-savers, literally.

In the morning, we go in for our IVF-Start appointment. I've been on Lupron for 5 full days and still don't have AF. Who knows maybe she won't come. I've had lots of headaches and several hot flashes, but otherwise have been okay. I'm hoping my baseline U/S looks good and I will get the go ahead to start my Stims. Can't wait!

Waiting for Lupron

2010-03-09T20:59:00.000-05:00

I know I've been kind of MIA for about a week since our TT, I guess I've just been counting down the days still I start injections. Less than two days away. I start Lupron on Thursday and I'll be driving to Rob's parents house for a night and then drive to Atlanta on Friday to meet some fabulous lifelong friends. Two of them I have never met before and one of them I met last year on a similar girl's weekend trip. I am so excited to finally get to meet these two wonderful ladies and spend some quality time with them and my other friend. It's really what's been keeping me going these last few weeks, since I feel like all I've been doing is waiting. I've gotten all the meds and boy was that crazy, there's so much stuff, I feel like I have a drug store in my closet. It's so crazy to be so excited about starting injections, but I really am looking forward to it. I don't care about the pain that may come and all the side effects, I'm excited that for once we actually have greater than a 25% success rate this time. It could actually happen for us in April, I could really be PG by then. I'm trying to stay positive and be as stress free as I can. It's so hard to do because I worry about everything and unfortunately worrying does not go well with IVF. Luckily my prof finally knows what's going on, so he understands that I'm going to be taking some time off for the ER and ET at the end of March and beginning of April. Here's hoping for an Easter Bunny surprise and a Christmas Gift at the end of the year. Wouldn't that be something?

Trial Transfer

2010-02-27T14:09:00.000-05:00

Everything went super well with our appointment. I'm just beyond thrilled. The Trial Transfer went really smoothly and it was really neat to watch. I start Lupron on March 11 and we go back for our IVF Start Date Appt on March 16. A tentative ER and ET is set for the end of March or early April. I just can't believe it's finally happening. I feel closer than ever to my BFP. I will be on Menopur and Bravelle for stims and will also be on injectable Progesterone. Unfortunately Rob won't be able to be in the room for my ER or ET, but I am okay with that. Our RE has their own surgery suite right on the same floor of their offices and they are very conscious about infection and sterility, which is fine by me. Aaaahhh, it's really starting. Can't wait to share the journey with all of you, thanks so much for your support!

IVF Nurse Consult

2010-02-18T16:32:00.000-05:00

Well AF arrived today and I'm ok, better than I thought I would be. I can't say I didn't shed a tear or two, because I did, but I knew IVF was coming. I called my RE and next Thursday we have our IVF Nurse Consult. I'll be doing an U/S and a Trial Transfer, which should be interesting. We are going to meet with our RE and several nurses and go over our plan of action and on all the meds I'll be on. I'll get some questions answered and go from there. I start my BCPs on Friday night and start the Antibiotics next Tuesday.

I think Rob and I have come to the decision that we will do genetic testing on the embryos if it is an option. With everything we have been thru I just don't know if I could bring a child into the world with genetic issues or other health issues. I just couldn't do it. I know for some people, especially those that are Christians, doing genetic testing may not be something you agree with, but it is up to Rob, myself, and God to decide what to do for our IVF. With Rob's condition and all my health issues, I just want to make sure we pick the healthiest embies to transfer. And besides it would be kind of cool to already know the sexes. But I think since we really want to do a 3 embryo transfer if it's possible we would put back 2 boys and 1 girl, and then if we ended up with 1 or 2, we still could wait til the gender reveal to know for sure what it's going to be.

I'm at peace with everything. I called and got the loan paperwork underway and will hopefully have the checks in hand by next week. I'm also going to try and get our taxes done so we can hopefully get some refund money back and put towards the IVF as well. Things are moving along and I can't help but feel that they are moving in the right direction.

Falling Into Place

2010-02-12T15:19:00.000-05:00

There's so much going on right now. Rob had an interview for a manager position yesterday and it would be so wonderful if he could get the job. It would be salaried and he wouldn't have to deal so much with commission and worrying if he met quota. I think it would give him such a confidence boost and I know it would be something he would be really good at. I'm 1 week down in my last 2ww. I've been temping since yesterday just to feel like I'm doing something, but I am not reading into any symptoms or wondering if maybe I really am PG. I just wish I could finally become PG naturally and then we wouldn't have to take out a loan. Everything would fall into place if Rob got this new position and at the same time we found out we finally got a miracle. I know it is wishful thinking at this point. Becoming one of those lucky few who gets PG before doing IVF especially considering we are dealing with MFI would be amazing, but I know not to get my hopes up too much, it will only make things harder when AF shows. But on the bright side once AF shows, I will start BCPs and the IVF process will begin. Once I'm done with BCPs things will move really fast. I'm just excited to be getting closer and closer to being a mom. I know we are heading in the right direction, it's just a matter of waiting.

Last 2ww

2010-02-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

So I had some cramps last Thursday (CD22) and thought that it was still early for AF, so I OPKed and it showed a smiley. So we went ahead and BD and will just hope this will be a miracle. Only crappy part is that it means I have to wait for another 2 weeks for AF to come so I can start my BCPs. It would be wonderful if we got that miracle pregnancy before moving forward with IVF, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. I will at least wait until AF shows before signing the paperwork for the loans. No use in getting a loan if I finally become PG.

We saw Rob's parents this weekend, just for a night, but we laid everything out about our IVF plan to them just to get their feedback. They think we are doing the right thing with the shared-risk program and that I've found the best loans and interest rates that I could. They have agreed to take back a loan payment we've been making since 07 when we moved into our house. They got us some money to help with some remodeling projects since they knew we couldn't get anything else after just getting a mortgage loan. This will at least help alleviate some of the financial strain that we will be under with paying for a $20,000 loan. They also told us they will help in any way they can if we get in a bind, but they can't just give us a lump sum of money. I certainly didn't expect them to, so them helping in any way is a blessing. I'm really thankful that they are being so supportive with everything. Unfortunately I'm still keeping my parent's out of the dark on alot of things. I'll probably only tell them when we start stims and when I go in for ER and ET for the first IVF. I'm just not going to get into with them about the financial aspects, b/c I know my mom would have a fit if she knew we were taking out another loan, but oh well not really up to them what we decide to do. Hoping that we can start our taxes soon and get a nice refund check. That would certainly help out with the med costs.

Financing and Family

2010-02-01T17:03:00.000-05:00

Well we got approved for a loan for almost all of the IVF costs. We are going to be super tight for a while until I graduate and have a real job, but we are ok with that. At first we were declined by our credit union, but our mortgage company agreed to give us a loan, part of which will be against my car. That has me a little worried, but it was the only way we could get the most money. I also picked up my BCPs and antibiotic, now just waiting for AF to show, which she should next week.

I also got to speak to my Aunt today. I haven't seen her since my wedding. She's only about 15 years older than me. My parent's had a falling-out with my dad's side of the family many years ago, so I lost touch with most of my Great Aunts and Uncles and cousins. But I got to talk to her today and we are going to try and meet up over the summer. Even if I just get to see her and my cousins that would be nice. At this point I don't really care if my parents are involved in it, they are still my family. Basically my parents stopped talking to my dad's family after my uncle got involved in drugs and stole all of my grandmother's money, I mean all of it. There wasn't anything left for her funeral when she passed away. It was a really bad situation, but in the end I know my parents just thought they were protecting me. But now that I'm an adult, I think I have the right to see my dad's family again, especially my Aunt. I haven't seen my Uncle (the one with the drug problem) in almost 10 years, since my grandmother passed away. It's actually something I'm looking forward to. I know he made alot of mistakes, but I don't think that I should still be prevented from seeing him or my other family just because of everything that happened. I was so secluded as a kid, I was an only child and up until 10 years ago, I didn't have any first cousins. It was just me and my parents. Thank God Rob has a big family and I've become a part of it. I guess I'm just at a point I'd like to make amends and see everyone. I think it would be something I would regret if I don't do it now.

Decision Time

2010-01-28T20:40:00.000-05:00

Well I called my RE today to check on Rob's test results and the nurse was like it takes 3 weeks for the results. I told her well the doctor told us 10 days or so, why the difference? She didn't know and told me to call back next week. Argh, more waiting, which I am no good at. But I did talk to the IVF nurse coordinator who told me that even if Rob's results are good, if his sample is bad on the day of the ER then they will do ICSI anyways, which makes me feel better. At least they are using their discretion to determine if ICSI is necessary. I also found out that to do the IVF Guarantee Program it will cost exactly $17000 up front. But this includes 3 IVFs and 3 FETs. The best part is that if you don't reach 20 weeks and you M/C, then you can continue with the treatments. So basically if the 1st IVF or FET works and I don't reach 20 weeks I still get to continue with the process. If we just do a regular IVF it will cost $10000 up front, but with this it does not include the 20 wk M/C guarantee, that's where the other program's benefits come into play. If we did the other cheaper IVF and I M/C at any time we would be out all of that money. For $7000 extra I think it is well worth it. Now the financing fun begins. I've called one place and they couldn't offer us the whole amount and they wanted to give us a 16.25% interest rate, which I think is outrageous. Our credit union is working on something now for us, so hopefully it will be much better. As long as we could at least get $15000 approved, we could come up with the rest and whatever meds are going to cost for each cycle. So much to think about, but at least I feel proactive. We are probably going to meet with Rob's parents next weekend to go over everything, they'll let us know what they can do to help financially, which is such a blessing. I'm so thankful that they are so supportive, unlike my parents who still think I should be done with grad school. But that's another story. TGIF!!

Driving Me Crazy

2010-01-26T12:39:00.000-05:00

I keep going thru all the "what ifs" if Rob's test comes back bad. Basically if the number is greater than 30%, then there's a high likelihood ICSI with IVF will be probable. However, stupid me Google.d and found out that if the number reaches this level, then you also have a higher risk for M/C and abnormal development of the embryos. In many cases, the sperm might fertilize the egg, but the embryo doesn't develop properly or implant, which I've been concerned about for a while now. I probably won't be able to hold out past Thursday before calling to see if the results are in. This is almost as bad as the 2ww, maybe worse. But at least this month I don't have to go thru a 2ww, I just have to wait for AF to show again. Bleh.

Waiting Again

2010-01-21T13:55:00.000-05:00

Well we got the DNA Frag test done, now we just wait for the results. I got all our financial info on how much IVF will cost and about the shared-risk program. Basically the program allows you to do 3 IVF and 3 FET (if possible) and if after the 3rd try you aren't PG you get 70% money back. All total it might cost $25000 or so, but the cost is variable depending on your protocol and if we do ICSI. I feel pretty good about everything, we just have alot to figure out as far as financing and deciding which way we want to go. I think once we know the frag results, it might help us know whether we have a greater risk of having to do it more than once.

Stressing

2010-01-19T11:20:00.000-05:00

I'm scared, I'm terrified, but I'm excited all the same. We are moving forward with IVF. We go to Jacksonville in the morning for Rob's DNA Frag Test. I'm nervous about it, but I think we need to know the results because it will change the way we do IVF. If the results are bad then we will have to do ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection), which of course costs more. I finally got the run-down on the costs, I think I almost passed out while on the phone. Just one cycle could cost us upwards of $15000 including meds. We are thinking of doing the guarantee program, which allows you do to 3 IVF cycles and if after the 3rd cycle you still aren't PG, they give you 70% money back. Now I don't know if this includes FET, that's something I'll have to ask about. Once we get the test results back, which could take up to 10 days, we are going to meet with Rob's parents to figure out a money plan. They are being so generous and offered to help us, even if it's just to help us with a loan. I don't know how much they are willing to give us, but any little bit will help. I'm going to have to dig deeper into what our prescription drug insurance covers on meds. We would at least be able to pay for them a few times, without getting a loan. I'm looking forward to moving on, but I'm not looking forward to the torture of going thru the actual IVF and all the emotional toil that comes with it. But I'm ready to be PG. And if by chance IVF still doesn't work for us, with the guarantee we could use to money towards adoption, which I think is a great idea. We've both talked about it and have agreed not to go the donor route. Rob said he was fine with it, but I feel like if we can't have a child that is biologically ours, I don't want to have a child that is just biologically mine. Rob would still love it just the same, but I guess I would feel a little guilty about it. It's just a personal preference I guess. I don't want to be PG unless it's our child. I'm not obsessed about being PG, I'm obsessed about being a mother. Being a mother is more important to me than carrying a child and it took me a while to figure that out. It's weird not worrying about everything with my cycle this month, but in a way it's a relief. I'm just going to try and take some time to prepare myself for everything to come.

Game Over

2010-01-12T10:24:00.000-05:00

Well my temp plummeted this morning, so AF should be arriving soon. Ugh, I'm so pissed. Just once, I wanted this to work for us. It would have been perfect for us. We could have saved all of our money and gotten a new car. I just got off the phone with the RE and we have a phone consult set up for Thursday morning I guess to find out what he wants to do. I've scheduled the DNA frag test for Rob for next Wednesday, so hopefully we will get those results rather quickly. I don't really know if that's going to change the plan though. If the results were bad, then IVF was the only option, but if they were ok then IUI should have worked. I mean even if we get the results and they tell us that IUI would have never worked, I guess I still would have wanted to try, maybe not the 3 times that we did. But at least we are only out about $2000 for all 3 IUI's including the meds. I know it could have been alot worse. I'm so bummed that we are going to have to take some time off from trying. I'm hoping once I find out how much everything is going to be and if insurance will cover anything, then I'll have to get going trying to find a loan. Once that is in place, then things can move pretty quickly. It would be nice if we could have all of this done in time for when AF arrives next month, but things never go that smoothly for us, so I'm not betting on it.

Not Looking Good

2010-01-10T17:57:00.000-05:00

So my temp dropped yesterday morning and I tested anyways and it was a BFN. This morning 12dpIUI my temp went back up almost 0.5 degrees and so I tested and it was another BFN. It's not looking good at all. I know I'm not completely out of the running, it could still be early, but the closer I get to that ever present AF day with no BFP, the less hope I have. I know I will be ok if it doesn't work again. It just means we have to take a break from TTC to figure out what happens next. Since May of 2007 we technically haven't take a break. Maybe it will do us some good to kind of regroup, but it's still not something I am looking forward to. I know we will go ahead and schedule the DNA Frag test for Rob and then probably try and set up an appt to meet with the RE and find out what he thinks we should do. From everything he's already told us, IVF is gonna be it. The problem now is finding out if our new insurance covers anything and what the cost will be. Then we'll have to get a loan for that instead of a new car. I guess the car can certainly wait, at least I have something that runs right now and it's completely paid off. I'd rather have a baby in my arms at the end of the year, than be driving a spankin' new car.

Good News

2010-01-08T19:54:00.001-05:00

So I passed my Pre-Lim PhD exams today!! YEY!! One milestone down, several more to go before I graduate. I also tested this morning (I know, way too early). It is 10dpIUI and I got a very faint positive. Now I thought well maybe it's still the trigger shot, but I had the trigger shot 11 days ago. I'll probably keep on testing at least once in the morning, just because I am dying to know. My nips have been sore for almost 5 days now. I told one of my friends and she was like you are so PG or your nips don't like the cold weather. I'm hoping it's the first one, I mean I haven't been running around outside nude in order to chap my nipples. I got my CD21 Progesterone levels from Tuesday which would have been 7dpIUI and it was 25, which the nurse said was very good and promising. Oh please oh please let her be right! Anyways, I'll keep you posted. Have a great weekend everyone!

A New Year

2010-01-01T15:09:00.000-05:00

It's the first day of a new year, hopefully a new start. I just really want to know if this IUI worked or not. It will change everything, whatever happens. If it's positive it will be the best day and start of the year for us. We can get our new car and plan for a September baby. If it's negative, then we'll have to look into getting a loan for IVF, we won't get a new car, and the anxiety that comes with starting another treatment will begin again. It's driving me nuts just thinking about it. On Jan. 8, I take my oral exams for my PhD. It's a huge step towards finishing my degree. It would be amazing, if after I finish and pass them, I get my BFP a few days later. Arrgghh, this stinks.

ICLW Welcome

2009-12-21T18:38:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone, my name is Melissa and my husband Rob and I have been trying since May of 2007 for a little one. I'm currently on my 3rd IUI attempt, CD6. I'm taking Letrozole on CD3 thru CD9, and then I'm doing Menopur shots on CD10 thru CD12. I'll be going in on CD13 for a follicle check, and I'm guessing an IUI before January 1st. It's been a really hard 2009. We finally saw an RE and were diagnosed with MFI (abnormal shaped sperm) and given a less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally. I'm praying that this IUI will finally work for us, since our next option is IVF. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover IVF, so we would have to take out a loan to pay for it. My dream is that it won't come to this and everything will work out in our favor for once. I look forward to getting to know all of you!

Car Accident and CD3 U/S

2009-12-17T20:16:00.000-05:00

So I was just in a car accident tonight. I ran into the back of someone in bumper to bumper traffic, after another car almost hit the back of me. My car got towed, I think the radiator is cracked and we now have $500 to pay for a deductible. How the heck am I supposed to pay for the car and do this IUI? I don't know, but I hope some money magically appears somewhere. I go in for a CD3 U/S in the morning. I have to leave at 4am, this is crap.

The Next Step

2009-12-16T10:15:00.000-05:00

So AF arrived last night. I called the RE to find out what the plan is for this cycle. Evidently he may want to start injectables, which will be quite expensive. It's something Rob and I will have to sit down and think about. I'm not sure what I want to do. I'm still waiting to find out what the RE really suggests, I just talked to a nurse, so I guess we'll make a decision after that.

In the midst of everything that happened this weekend, Rob and I were really thankful for all the support we got from our friends. It meant alot to us, and it meant alot to me to have all of you be so kind. However, something has really been bothering me. Our closest friends haven't said a word to us. Not a text, not a phone call, nothing, just silence. On Friday when I got my positive, I ran down to their house (they live two houses away) and showed my friend the test. Mind you she's almost 20wks PG and we haven't said alot to each other lately. She was so happy, we sat down and talked and tried to figure out a neat way for me to tell Rob. She showed me her PG book and what it said about how many weeks I was. Then on Sat when I got the negative, she called me and said, "I didn't get a positive for almost two weeks. Don't worry it'll be fine." That's all she could come up with. We told them on Sunday night that I was going in for a blood test to confirm everything. I sent her a text and Rob left a message for her husband, so I know that they know.

We used to see them two or three times a week. We did everything together. And ever since she's become PG everything has changed. We don't have anything in common it seems. They're in this new club and we aren't members yet. It seems like they are slowly distancing themselves from us and it hurts so much. I don't understand why on top of everything we have to deal with because of IF, why we have to lose friends along with it. I thought that friends were supposed to be supportive and be there for you no matter how difficult the situation is. Evidently they aren't as good of friends as we thought.

Rob said he's actually hurt by it too and that says alot. Most of the time he tells me I'm over-reacting, but not this time. He says he'll probably mention it to the husband and let him know how hurt we are by everything. I think this will be a turning point in our friendship. If they can't understand why we are so hurt, then maybe they aren't truly our friends.

Negative Beta, BFN IUI2

2009-12-14T15:12:00.001-05:00

Well the title sums it up. This sucks. I hate this. Why did I get a positive? Was it some cruel joke from EP.T. False positive my butt. Screw all of it. I don't know if we are going thru with IUI#3 or not.

Going For A Beta

2009-12-13T20:34:00.000-05:00

AF still hasn't come and I'm 13dpIUI, but 14dpo. Normally 14 days to the dot, I get
AF after a positive OPK. My BBT was still above normal this morning, but I decided not to POAS, I didn't want to sit there and analyze whether I could or couldn't see a line. I'm calling the RE at 7am to find out when I can go in for a Beta. Then it will be the most tortuous wait I think I'll ever go thru. Keep us in your prayers, I just really hope this is it.

PRAY PLEASE!!

2009-12-12T08:19:00.000-05:00

I took another test this morning, same E.PT digital and it said Not Pregnant. I'm freaking out. We took the two tests apart and both have a faint positive line. I don't know if it's a fluke or if something is wrong. My BBT dropped slightly from 98.07 or so to 97.95 this morning. Please pray for us, I don't want this to be a dream. I'm buying several different kinds of tests and will be testing several times today. No AF or spotting. 12dpIUI.

10dpIUI#2

2009-12-10T10:11:00.000-05:00

So I've been temping since Wed morning and so far I've gotten 98.47, 98.41, and then this morning on Day 10, 97.57. Um, could it be an implantation dip? I'm hoping and praying that it is. I don't know if I'm imagining cramping, or weird uterine feelings, but geez I'm going nuts over this 2ww. Maybe it's because it's real this time, the possibility that we may get a BFP finally. All I know is that if my temp doesn't go up tommorrow morning, it's probably over. Those two temps are the highest I've ever had during a cycle, normally my BBT runs well below 98, even during my luteal phase. Ugh, I hate this, over analyzing everything. Just shoot me now.

7DPIUI

2009-12-07T12:21:00.000-05:00

So today is one week post IUI#2 and I'm sick, with a sinus infection most likely. Rob was sick last week and I'm sure I caught it from him. We got back from Disney last night. We had a really nice time, even though I wasn't feeling great. We went to Hollywood Studies and Magic Kingdom on Saturday, we were there from 10am til 12pm. We went on every ride we could and even got to go on Space Mountain, which has been closed for renovations for a while. On Sunday we spent the day at Dowtown Disney, just shopping around.

It's so stupid but there were so many baby things that I wanted to buy, but I stopped myself from getting anything else. When we went two weeks ago, I got a onesie and bib with Mickey on them, it's red, so pretty generic. I got one set for us and one for our friends who are PG for Christmas. It's stuck in the back of our hall closet with some of the other baby onesies I've been stashing. I'm starting to wonder if I'm just buying gifts for other people, not something I'll ever be able to use. Our friends will find out the gender around Christmas. I can't believe it, but I feel like we are losing them as friends just like I lost the friend I had a school once she became PG. We don't spend as much time together anymore, we don't talk as much anymore either. They've changed and we've changed. I really hate this.

I don't have any symptoms, I had some cramping a few days ago, but I'm not really reading into it. I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst again. I'll probably start temping around Wed or Thurs and keep track of my morning temps. At least that will give me an idea of whether it will be a BFN again. I think if my temps start dipping, I won't even bother wasting a test unless AF doesn't show for a while. This is it, the last shot for a BFP in 2009. As the months go by, it's getting closer and closer to not even having a chance to have a baby in 2010. Our 3 year mark is rapidly approaching too. All these milestones, that I wish I could forget about.

IUI#2 and I'm Going to Disney World Again!

2009-11-29T17:45:00.001-05:00

So Disney was such a blast we are using the 2 days left on our 5 day pass to go this coming weekend Dec 4-6. I used some of our credit card points to book a hotel, so our tickets and room are taken care of and we can just go and enjoy ourselves again. We are doing IUI#2 in the morning. I'm trying to just go in like it isn't going to work again, maybe I'll get an early Christmas present, a girl can hope. Wish me luck!

BFN IUI#1 and I'm Going to Disney World!

2009-11-14T12:45:00.000-05:00

I would have posted earlier, but I just didn't want to talk about it. Obviously I got a BFN on Thursday which was 12dp, my temps started plummeting so I knew what to expect. AF hasn't come yet, but I'm cramping already, so she's on her way. Luckily instead of being bummed, I'm going to Disney World next Thursday spur of the moment with my roomie and her family. Her fiance is in the military so he gets mad discounts. Rob will get to come for the weekend, which will be wonderful. At least now I can ride on all the rides, drink whatever I want, and not care about it. I mean of course I'm devestated, but there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. We are moving forward with IUI#2 and also the DNA Fragmentation Testing for Rob, hopefully we'll get some good results on both ends. Maybe just maybe, we'll get a BFP before the start of 2010.

1 More Day til POAS

2009-11-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

One more day, that's all I keep telling myself. Luckily Thursday is going to be busy. I'm going to the school early in the morning to print off a gazillion papers and then to the library. Then I'll come home around lunch and Rob and I will go to the fair. Hopefully we'll be at the fair for a few hours, eat some yummy fair food and then come home. Once I get home I plan to read some of the gazillion papers I printed off and maybe watch some tv. Then I plan on trying to get some sleep, not sure how well that's going to work out, but we'll try it anyway. At 6:30am when Rob gets up to let the dogs out, it will be POAS Time, and the wait will be over. I'll be 13dpIUI. Happy Birthday to me!

5 Days til POAS

2009-11-08T14:32:00.000-05:00

I'm so nervous right now, just anxious to know either way whether this IUI worked. I've been procrastinating on my papers; I have to write one a week for the next 4 weeks. I've done 1 of 5, ugh, it's going to be a long November. My bday is coming up on Friday too. I think Rob is planning something, he's been a little sneaky lately. I think he's trying to do alot so that if it's a BFN, my whole bday won't be ruined. I can't say that if I do see that "Not Pregnant" that I've seen so many times before, I won't be devestated. This is the very very first time we have a real chance, all the other times didn't count. We didn't know about all of the other issues with MFI then. I have alot of twinges and tweaks just on my L side, which is the side I ovulated on, but I don't know if that means anything. It's probably me just imagining stuff again. Everyone warned me this would be a different kind of 2ww, they were certainly right. It's gone by so slowly, it stinks!

IUI#1 Beginning of 2WW

2009-11-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

My first IUI went really well, didn't even feel it. Rob had a count of 60M swimmers with 60% motility, which I think was a huge improvement since his last S/A, then he only had 16M. I'm hoping maybe stress had something to do with it. I'm going to try and keep myself really busy the next two weeks and just hope for the best. I'll be POAS on Nov 13, my 27th b-day. I'll only be 13DPIUI, but I'd like to try, then if it's negative, I'll wait til Nov 15, Rob's 27th b-day and test again. Please please please let this work!!